Dear My Devil

30 | do it right

🎶 Wanna be myself - MAMAMOO ✨

= Smiling in the front and crying in the back, what else can I do? If I express it, they'd see it the way they want to see it. There is no set standard in the world. Like this? Like that? Don't compare, you and I are not different. I respect myself. If I like it, that's it. 👌🏻 =

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"I'm... getting turned on," Jongdae groaned in a low and controlling voice.

"Turn what?" I almost lost my voice.

ON??? ON?!?? HE SAID TURNED ON??

There I sat on top of him, not moving an inch in case he felt something more.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REACT NOW?

GO FOR IT? GET OFF? GO FOR IT?

GO FOR IT.

I was ready to let Jongdae take lead but he quickly grabbed my waist and threw me off. The obedient me laid by his side again, resting my head against the pillow and staring up to the ceiling.

Then I turned my body towards him. Our faces were just one palm's length apart as we eyed each other silently.

My head was filled with R21 thoughts the whole time wondering why he chose NOT to satisfy his needs. Is he that good at resisting or am I not appealing enough for him to do me?

I stared at him hard in search of an answer. It was as if both of us were waiting for each other to speak again.

Several seconds later, we spoke up. At the same time.

"Why won't you do me?" I asked.

"Don't make me do it." And he said.

I blinked, feeling my cheeks flushed at the start of this awkward topic. Jongdae looked more surprised at how straightforward I was, but my curiosity comes before my shame.

"Why?" I asked again while he was still taken aback.

"Because it's not right?" he answered back rhetorically.

"Yeah, so what's wrong? What's the problem? Me...?" I probed timidly.

What if he admits that he doesn't want to have sex with me? Does that mean I'm the problem?

"I said it's not right, I didn't say it's wrong."

"There's no difference. I'm here in bed with you and I'm not resisting so why are you?" I chuckled and looked away. "Oh god, now I sound like I'm desperate. But since we're at it, tell me. Why? Why won't you have sex with me?"

"You really know how to make a conversation awkward," he chuckled.

"It was already awkward from the start."

"You didn't have to be so direct."

"I have to ask to know. I don't wanna lose sleep thinking why on earth my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me. So tell me, stop beating around the bush."

Now I feel like the guy in the relationship.

"I'm not going to be reckless, Jisoo." He firmly stated.

"So you think I am?"

"Yes," Jongdae looked me in the eye.

How dare he say that in my face! Shouldn't he try to be more of a gentleman and at least deny it even if he really thought that way?