A Court Of Fire And Pain

I love you...

Chapter 45 Azriel:
After Connall's funeral Fenrys didn't leave his room. I was worried about him. So I got Elain to make some fresh bread and muffins. I helped her with them and it would have been fun if not for my worry. We loaded them onto a tray and I made my way to Fenrys' room.
I tentatively knocked on the door. "Fenrys? Can I come in?"
There was no reply so I assumed he was sleeping. I would just leave the food on the bedside table.
I continued to do this for a few more days. Then he was finally awake.
"I knew it was you."
I almost dropped the tray. "You're awake."
He sat up. "Yeah... thanks for the food."
I awkwardly sat beside him. "It's no problem."
I didn't know if I should leave. But he didn't seem annoyed so I stayed.
"So... how are you?"
I mentally hit myself. Why would I say that? Obviously he wasn't doing well.
He just avoided the question. "The bread is really good this time. Tell Elain she's getting better.
My face grew a bit red. "Actually I made this one by myself."
Was he blushing too? "Oh. Well good job then."
We sat in silence for a bit more, until he finished eating.
He put the plate back on the tray, and when he pulled his hand back, it brushed against one of my wings. I took the tray and left quickly. Elain noticed my expression when I went back to the kitchen.
"Was he awake?"
I nodded and she grinned. "What happened? You look...." she used hand gestures to finish.
"Shut up. He said my bread was better than yours."
Her dementor suddenly changed. "Excuse me!? Oh I'm gonna kill him."
I had to hold her back as she tried to run out. "Not the best idea."
She huffed. "Fine. But I'm mad at both of you now."
The next time I brought in food he was awake again so we repeated the whole awkward procedure. It was the day after that when things changed.
As he was eating he had been obviously avoiding my gaze. So I had to ask. "What is it?"
He looked down. "I was just wondering... what did you mean when you said you knew what it was like to lose a sibling?"
Oh. I really didn't want to talk about it, but it was Fenrys.
"Do you remember the fake person you killed during the battle? The one who almost got me?" He nodded so I continued. "She looked like my sister, who died a long time ago."
"Oh." Now we were both avoiding each other's eyes. "What.... what happened?"
I took a deep breath. "My brothers killed her. You might know this, but my family was filled with bad people. They didn't just clip her wings, they cut them off entirely. Then they burned her back so they would never regrow."
Even after all these years the thought of it filled me with so much anger.
"She never cried or yelled, or did anything other than smile. She was everything to me."
Fenrys awkwardly took my hand. "You don't have to talk if you don't want."
"No it's fine. It's about time I told someone."
I couldn't ignore his hand on mine, but it was calming.
"She was fine with how they treated her but hated what they did to me. It was the day they were burning my hands."
I held out the one he wasn't holding as an example.
"She tried to stop them and they lost it. The next thing I knew, she was dead."
I realized I had tightened my grip on his hand, but he didn't say anything about it.
"That's horrible." There was real anger in his eyes.
"They're all dead know, at least to my knowledge. Can't say I'm sad about it."
Fenrys nodded. "Good."
We sat in silence again. What were we supposed to even talk about after something like that?
He looked like he was debating something. Then it seemed he made up his mind. He turned to me, and pulled me into a kiss.
My eyes widened. Ok this was happening. But as much as I wanted to, I didn't kiss him back.
He realized this and quickly pulled away. "I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I know we said we'd stay as friends and you like Mor. I'm sorry."
I shook my head. "That's not it."
"Huh?"
I clenched my teeth. I should just let it happen. But I couldn't. "I obsessed after Mor because I felt like I needed to feel something. I just want to be sure that's not what's happening here. Are you doing this because you want to, or because you think you want to? Because you want to feel something?"
He didn't answer.
I got up and left.
When I got to my room I threw everything on the floor and sat on my bed.
Damn it.
I could have just gone with it. Was there really any harm in it?
Damn it. What if it really was the second thing. Could I really live with that?
Of course I couldn't. As much as I had been pushing it away before, Fenrys was my mate.
And I loved him.

I just love writing them okay.