"What's depression like?" He asked.

A taboo.

There are days when I think I'm going crazy. Honestly losing my mind. When I think that everything around me is a dream or a nightmare and I'm not real and nobody I know is real. Nothing I've ever experienced actually happened and I'm just making it all up. 

There are days when I feel like that. I go days without eating or sleeping, feeling like I'm nothing. When people talk to me I can't believe it's me they're talking to. Because I'm not even here, right?

It's numbness mixed with confusion mixed with... with what? I don't even know. I don't know how to describe the state of mind I'm in when I feel like that. 

What is real? What is not? Anxiety attacks haunt me day and night and I don't feel like going outside, scared something terrible will happen. To me, my friends, Alex' dog. 

I see my dead best friend everywhere. I'm convinced he's there and that I can talk to him. I go through periods of complete hysteria, where everything sets me off. Pushes a button that drives me over the edge, into a deep hole that doesn't seem to have an end. 

I dream without having to fall asleep. See things that aren't there, hear things that aren't there. 

Signs of clinic depression. PTSD. Delusional disorders. 

They're putting me on pills. A lot of pills. Pills that are supposed to make me happy. Happy pills. Pills that are supposed to make me normal. Not so scared, not have the feeling I'm going to be murdered when I leave the house. 

I feel like I'm sick. Like I'm crazy. "You're taking medication? What for?" For the mess in my brain. How do you explain someone that you're mentally sick? Something nobody else can see or feel, just you. Sure, people see that I'm not completely sane when I have a break down at school and sit shivering in the principal's office, but they never really understand, do they now?

Why do you think people want to murder you? Of course they never would. Why are you hyperventilating? There's nothing to be afraid of, people don't bite! What do you mean depression? You're sad? 

There are days when it makes me feel so frustrated. Mental illness is such a taboo. It's something non-existing, because it's not something you can see with the eye. A broken leg? Fine. Broken arm? No problem. You feel sick? I can see, you're sweating.

But a mental illness? Not so much.

I'm sitting in my room. On my bed. Laptop on my lap, music in the background. I can hear the television in the living room, but I don't want to come out. I haven't come out of my room in two days. 

I don't eat.

I don't sleep.

I feel like the world is turning awfully fast. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment at my psychiatrist, they're going to explain the medication to me. I guess this is where things are supposed to really get better. New mind set, happy pills, a normal Kyran, a normal life.

I just don't know what normal is.

- Kyran