"What's depression like?" He asked.

Ups and downs.

It continues to be difficult to see what's a relapse and what's an absolute change. Am I officially doing bad again or is this just a bad day?

I started smoking again after 6 months of no smoking. Something many of you didn't know, is that I too, do stupid things. Everybody does stupid things. 

I like to believe all of you think I'm a nice guy. I like to believe I'm a nice guy. But sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I curse at people and sometimes I want to punch someone in the face. 

I'm human. 

The well being of everybody reading this book is what my life is about. The well being of you, reading this chapter, is all I care about. The well being of my friends, of the cat I'm going to adopt (how stupid it may sound) and all of you. 

In my years of depression I've had many days where I thought I was doing better. That I was "happy" or slowly becoming happy. That I started to live with my flaws, with my parents, with the things that happened to me.

But on days like this I think I'll never learn how to live with it. Not with my flaws, not with my parents and not with the things that happened to me.

I had a talk with my therapist two days back and he told me that I was suffering from a trauma. My depression was something that developed whiles I still lived at home, but now I've moved away, I still have all the symptoms I had when I lived with my parents. 

Sometimes, when I have to pee at night, I'm too scared to get out of my bed because my mind somehow tricks me into thinking that my dad is still waiting for me in the living room. 

About two weeks ago I for the first time blasted A Day To Remember very loudly through my appartment. Something I never even dared to do at home. It felt amazing, but just like everything, things go with ups and downs.

That was a up, right now I have been having a couple days of down. I'm afraid to leave my appartment, because my social anxiety has kicked in quite badly (which is a problem when I need groceries, I'm glad I have great friends). I have been having doubts about everything, I've been having small break downs and more than one panic attack. 

It frustrates me that this road has so many bumps and cracks. I hate it. You might think I'm an incredibly patient guy when it comes to getting better from my depression, but I'm not. The point is that I'll probably never get better from my depression.

That it will always be ups and downs, good days and bad days. My life won't revolve around getting better, but around how to live with it. 

The past few days I've been thinking about this a lot. I've realized all these things and I have not yet been able to accept it. 

I've not been able to accept that my life has been ruined by other people and that I will not - no matter how hard I try - fully recover from it. 

My therapist has offered me multiple options, which include things like special treatment and medication and I've told her that I'll think about it. 

Special treatment.

Medication. 

I don't like those words. I've never liked those words. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to live with nightmares and fear and insecurity. 

I want to live with these things just as little as all of you.

I want WDLHA to be a book where I tell all of you how to deal with it and that everything is going to be alright, but WDLHA is also my outlet. And sometimes I also don't see the light in the darkness. Sometimes I also don't know what to say to make you or even me feel better. Sometimes there's no fully getting better, just learning how to live with it and that makes writing this book sometimes very hard to me.

I told myself I wouldn't write chapter that didn't make much sense. That I wouldn't write chapter that were about me, not knowing what to do, not knowing who I am and being utterly frustrated and agry - but here I am. Writing one of those chapters anyway. 

I'm pretty sure you won't know what to do it. Or what to make of it. But I want to thank you for reading it anyway.

- Kyran