"What's depression like?" He asked.

Loneliness

It really doesn't matter how many friends you have. It doesn't matter whether you are in a crowded place. It doesn't matter whether you have people you know you can call, when you know you are not capable of doing so. It doesn't matter whether you are at a party, school or college, surrounded by people who do not hate you. 

I have friends. I do. They are amazing people who I know are always there for me when I need them. But there has always been something inside of me that makes it unable for me to ask for help. To notify them when things are getting bad. 

I get lonely sometimes. A lot, actually. I get lonely and I lay in my bed, stairing up at the ceiling, wondering why I can't just walk a couple of metres to Alex' room in order to tell him how I am feeling. 

I am not lonely because I don't have people around me. I am not lonely because I don't have anybody to talk to. I am not lonely because I have no contacts in my phone. 

I am lonely because I am not sure how to be anything else but that.

I know there are people out there who are the same way. Who feel the same way. Who know that they can contact people when they are down, but are mentally restricted from doing so. It is as if we are forced to be alone, even though we don't want to be.

And I understand that some of you might be like "why don't you? It's not that hard. It's pressing a button, it's walking over. What are you complaining about?" and it is very hard to explain. 

It is as if something is physically restraining me from complaining. From telling people about my feelings. I can write them down and I try to do so, but I don't want to bother anybody. And even at times when I know I am not bothering them, I am still uncapable of expressing that I need them. 

I don't mind being alone. In fact, I like being alone. I like to think and write by myself, able to hear nothing but myself in those times. But I don't like being lonely. I hate being lonely. It makes me feel a mixture of sadness and desparateness. 

I do understand why many of you feel like this is insane. If I am sad, why don't I just talk about it? If I want somebody to tell me a funny story, why don't I just tell them to do so?

And I apologize for the fact that I simply can't. I was taught to hide my feelings. To put them away, because they did not matter. I grew up ignoring feeling alone, sad or depressed and it has continued even now I have escaped that toxic environment. 

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. You choose to be alone and as a matter of fact, you do not choose to be lonely. Whether you are in that situation because of circumstances or because you are forced to be, you do not voluntary choose to be lonely. 

Loneliness is dangerous, because it makes you think and think and think some more. It makes you spiral down a very dangerous path, which I have been down a couple of times. I am trying to get out of it, to speak up when I feel it is necessary to do so, but it is very hard when you have never really spoken up about feeling alone. 

There's also the key component of understand. No matter how incredible your friends are - which mine have proven to be - they will never completely understand your mind. They might understand your situation, your being, everything else about you - but your mind is something they can simply not reach. Believe me, even when you finish each others sentences, your mind is  something people will never be capable of fully understanding. 

I think in perculiar ways. I act in perculiar ways. I have been shaped in ways that I had wished I ahd never been shaped into, because it is so god damn complicated that I wish I could explain it to my closest friends, but I can't. 

And so I am lonely. Lonely when I think thougths that I am incapable of sharing. Lonely when I feel down, but can simply not express that I am feeling that way. Lonely in a sense that goes beyond being alone. Because I am not alone, and I know this. I have my friends, I have you guys -  who endlessly support me in anything I write, in anything I feel I need to express online. But yet, I am lonely. 

I don't expect you to understand. 

- Kyran