"What's depression like?" He asked.

The highly requested "how to" chapter.

This is probably the most requested topic for me to write about ever. I've been putting it off and I wasn't even really planning on ever going into detail about this matter, but because I've been getting the idea that it means a lot to some people that I do discuss it, I've decided to write a little part about it.

First of all I'd like to say that the things that have kept me from selfharming for over 5 months now, don't necessarily apply to any of you. Everyone has different reasons why and needs different things in order to be able to quit a habit like selfharm.

Selfharm is not just anything, it's an addiction, I can talk about that from my own experience. I know how incredibly hard it is to quit and that it takes time, strength and support from friends (since family doesn't apply to me). 

A couple of things that have helped me to lay off selfharm for longer than I ever have, are:

1. Getting out of a toxic environment

Moving out of my parents' house, away from them, was one of the biggest steps I've made this year. To be able to get out of a place that has tormented me for so long, caused me so much harm and made me extremely unhappy, has done me nothing but good. My anxiety reduced, not getting ugly things yelled at my head all time made my self-hate slim and the overall stress inside of my mind and body became less. I can't say that all of that has completely disappeared, because it still lingers and I still don't appreciate myself very much. Just not having to see my parents anymore makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

2. Distracting myself with things I love

Now that I live with Alex I feel like I have a lot more space to do things that I like. I don't feel like I have to be invisible any longer, so I can play music I enjoy, write or read all day and watch tons of movies with Alex and Mason (his dog). Now that I graduated High School I'm able to spend a lot more time in the tattoo shop, where I feel very comfortable and where the people are all very nice to me. I've been trying to dedicate my time to things that I like to do, that make me feel calm and that surpress anxious feelings. 

3. Medication

I've been thinking for a long time whether I should include this or not, but I think it's only fair if I do. You guys know that I don't like medication. I never have and when my psychiatrist said that medication would help me a lot in life, I struggled in admitting something like that. But I have. I'm now on anti-depressants which help with my PTSD and anxiety medication which reduce my blood pressure and so the physical symptoms that increase anxiety. I still don't like to admit it, but it does help with staying away from the feelings that trigger selfharm. 

4. Accepting help

Just like many of you I've struggled for a long time to accept help from my friends or go seek professional help, but when I did, it was a great step in quitting selfharm. My friends have known about my situation and mental health for a long time, but I always refused to talk to them when I felt down. I just let them watch my self-destruction and that has hurt both me and my friends. Once I accepted that I needed to open up to them and tell them about my feelings and thoughts, they were capable of being there for me. The same goes for professional help. I never wanted to take that step, but when I did, it only benefited me. Sure, it was extremely hard to talk in the beginning because everything was so locked up inside of me, but eventually when I did open up he was capable of helping me changing a little of my mindset, but at the same time keeping things realistic. I've been through something professionals classify as a trauma and he told me that I can't expect to fully recover within a couple of years, if ever. But he has been helping me greatly. 

5. You guys

I guess this might come across a little sentimental, but it's true. When I started WDLHA I was in an extreme dark place. I had tried to take my life a couple of times, I selfharmed on almost a daily basis, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep and I used alcohol as self-medication. I would've never thought that my dark, depressing thoughts could actually inspire some to try and get out of their dark holes. To try and get better. That in return truly inspired me to get better. It inspired me to seek professional help, to move out of my parents house, to do what I love in order to be able to help you and to eventually go straight edge, which I'm still going strong at. Writing this book for a long time was some sort of escape for me, but by now it has become one of those things that I truly love. Reading messages that you guys sent me brighten my day and being able to help at least one of you has made me feel like I actually have a reason to stay on earth. It has made me hate myself less and it has proven to me that even when you feel like you're worthless, you can still make a change in someone's life. 

***

I have been selfharm-free for 5 months and 16 days. I hope I can keep this thing going. I'm not there yet and I'm not sure how long it will take before I can be medication-free, nightmare-free and anxiety-free. Until then, I hope that I've been able to help some of you with this long-awaited,  highly-requested chapter. 

- Kyran