"What's depression like?" He asked.

Part II

Hey,

I don't know why I'm writing another part. Probably because I'm not in a good mood. There are moments when just everything that happens make you sad. Even dropping a pen makes you want to cry.

I think I'm in that kind of mood right now.

There are things I would be doing if I wasn't sitting here, writing a part that doesn't make sense on a story that doesn't make sense. Things I rather wouldn't do.

Am I strong enough to resist those things? No, I'm not. I will be totally honest with you, I'm not strong enough to resist the things I would be doing if I wasn't writing this.

Call me weak. Call me soft. Call me whatever you think I am.

What I think I am? An idiot, probably. There was a time when I believed that I deserved all the things that happened to me. That I did or had done things that caused all this stuff to happen to me.

I don't think that anymore. Nobody deserves to be treated like they're worthless, replaceable, deserve to feel depressed and alone. Nobody does, no matter what.

I'm mostly writing this story to people that go through what I'm going through. People who feel what I feel. Because we know what we feel, we know why we do what we do, we know why we don't stop doing what we do.

A lot people that don't call us emo's, stupid, dumb, attention seekers. I've heard them all and it taught me that a lot of people don't want to hear your story. They don't care if you suffer, cut, burn, get abused, starve yourself, throw up, cry yourself to sleep.

I've lost trust in a huge chunk of humanity. It's gone, destroyed and I don't know if it will ever return. People let me down, never cared for me, still don't care for me.

So what do you do when nobody cares for you, even though you told them everything about you?

You stop telling everything about yourself. You shut everyone out, suffer in silence. You feel like you bother everyone with telling about your feelings.

That's how I feel. Like I bother everyone. I keep my mouth shut, hold my tongue and do what I did before my trust got crushed.

People tell me I need to find help. I need to talk about what I feel. I need to open up to others.

How do they ever expect me to open up, when they're the ones that will probably leave me? Because they'll realize I'm seriously fucked up. Fucked up and fucking everything up. They'll get scared, run away, kicking me back in the fucking same damn hole I was in before they tried to pull me out.

I'm in a mood where I want to scream, cry, hurt myself, break stuff, drink, jump of cliffs and do what the fuck else you can do to just forget everything you feel.

But I'm not. I'm writing this shit. Yes, I just called my story shit. Because it's not good in my eyes. It's just rambling about the stupid feelings I have. The stupid, fucking feelings a lot of us have and a lot others don't understand.

So whatever I'm going to do after I wrote this, I want whoever is feeling the same to take a deep breath and watch Spongebob. Maybe also write something like this. It might work.

Maybe it will someday work for me. Maybe this will be my way to express feelings, instead of through hurting myself and breaking things that have done nothing wrong.

Stay strong and I probably love you. Because everyone is loved by someone. And if you're not, you now know you're loved by me.

- Kyran