"What's depression like?" He asked.

Cause and Effect

The best often die by their own hand

just to get away,

and those left behind

can never quite understand

why anybody

would ever want to

get away

from

them.

- Charles Bukowski

Because they don't understand. They say they do. They say they know how you feel and they'll be there to get you through the hardship.

But when you need them. When you really need them, because you're standing face to face with the demons inside of your head, they're not there.

They can't be.

You are as happy as you chose to be. I've heard that a thousands times in the past few weeks. Like it has become the worlds new phrase.

"Just think happy, it will make you happy instantly."

I wonder who came up with that. I wonder who thought it really was that easy.

Because if it was, would I still be as sad as I am today? Would I still feel alone, worthless and broken?

No.

I tried. I really did. I've been fighting, trying to think about the good things in life. Seeing things from the positive side.

But then it happens again. A riddle that repeats over and over again.

I hurt myself. I hurt my friends. And the demons keep talking and talking and talking. I look in the mirror and all I see is someone who failed. Who failed as a friend, as a son, as a writer, as a human.

I see someone I hate with every piece of my heart. Because of his weakness. Because of the fact he's losing the battle against himself. Because of the person he turned into.

All they told me was "Give up. You're never going to be good enough."

And I believed them. I still do. I'm never going to be good enough, not even when I try my hardest.

Everybody gets tired eventually. The voices fight your natural instinct to survive and you start to think about dying. Leaving, Escaping.

I'm torn apart inside. All these differents side of me are shouting, trying to be the loudest. Survive, die, give up, give in, stand up, stay strong.

It's funny almost. How easy it is to lose yourself and how hard it is to find yourself again. You find yourself lost, without directions, not knowing where you want to go. Not knowing where you are supposed to go to.

They say that after a while you become numb. That you stop feeling anything. That you stop understanding things like happiness, love, friendship, sadness, hate.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to become numb. How to stop my feelings from getting to me.
But at the same time, emotions are what makes us who we are. Whether that means we are a failure or a success in our own eyes.

I've been overthinking this for the past few days. I've hurt my friends once again and this made me doubt everything. Every thing that makes my life, my life.

I'm not giving up.

I'm not giving in.

Not yet.