"What's depression like?" He asked.

Being alone.

When I am having a bad day or a bad week or sometimes I bad month, I tend to do something which I know is bad. Which I know I shouldn't do, but somehow I automatically do anyway.

I start to close myself off. I push everyone away, lock myself in my room and spend all my time alone. I come out to eat, use the toilet and shower (because those are all things that have to be done) and to go to work if I can't get away with calling in sick. 

It is the worst thing to do when my depression, PTSD or anxiety acts up, because I end up just drowning myself in my thoughts. Thoughts that are almost never positive and happy. 

The funny thing is, that even when I close myself off - which is 100% my tendency - I still feel alone. Not because my friends don't try to reach me or contact me or look after me, but for other reasons. Reasons like the fact that even though they try very hard, they don't exactly know how I feel when I'm at a low point. I can talk to them, they can comfort me (which they're great at, don't get me wrong) but they can't say that they understand. Sometimes that's really all you need to hear when you're feeling bad.

Since I gave up smoking and drinking, I don't get as low anymore as I used to. The time I spend locked away has shortened, but there are still moments where I stop talking to everyone around me and crawl inside my own brain. 

Often I go through memories and things in my life that have led up to the point I'm at that moment. Those are never pretty and so they don't help me to get myself together. 

Yet, I still manage to get out of it every time. The years of contant depression seem to have gone, so I will take the bad moments for what they are. 

Still, I want to advice anyone out there who deals with the same problem that even though it is extremely hard to go out and see people when you're feeling sad, it is very important. It does help. I know I am not the one to tell you, as I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet. I do know on the other hand that it helps. I am sure it does. Being alone with your thoughts is a dangerous thing. I have been in that situation more than enough.

I'm not saying that you should never be alone. Being alone can be helpful when nobody really gets you and when you feel like you just want to cry. Do so. Cry. Put on sad songs, make some tea and cry until you feel slightly better. Then go out and let your friends take care of you. Find a distraction somewhere, even if it's just a little one. 

Most importantly, eat. Eat, drink and don't forget to take care of yourself. It's something I'm still not good at. I tend to pretty much let myeslf go to waste when I am having a bad few days. Yet, I've learned to go out and eat when I'm not hungry, drink when I'm not thirsty, shower when I don't feel like it and do things that have to be done when I just want to lay in bed by myself. 

Your own company is something valuable. You're the only person that really understands you. Just don't spend all the time by yourself, because as valuable as it is, being in your own company can be a dnagerous thing. Especially when you no longer think rationally. You will most of the times agree with your own bad plans when there's nobody there to tell you how stupid you are being. 

I know some of you have messaged me saying you don't have any friends or that you have nobody to comfort you, but I promise, even watching a good movie, listening to some good music or simply going out and sitting in a park will help. The four wall of your room will start whispering some nasy things in your ear if you don't. 

Also, remember that our message box is always open. We might not reply right away, but we will do our best to reply as soon as possible. 

- Kyran