"What's depression like?" He asked.

My Social Anxiety

I don't know why I decided to write something about this. It's probably the most personal thing inside of me. More personal than the self-harm, suicide attempts or the fact that my parents don't care.

Why? I don't know. Maybe it has something today with it. Maybe I'm afraid people won't understand, like they barely do.

Anxiety... it's not just fear. It's not something you feel towards spiders or snakes or clowns. It's different. It's the feeling of being a total outcast. It's the sweaty palms and shaky legs you get when you're around people. It's the thoughts that start racing through your mind about everything that's wrong with you and everything they shouldn't be seeing or knowing or thinking about you.

Social anxiety gives you the feeling like everyone's after you. Like you've done something wrong, though you have no idea what it is. 

Everyone thinks anxiety comes with panic attacks, but that's not always true. You can be sitting in your room, all alone and still be scared. Scared of what's outside or inside you. 

There are different kinds of anxiety and I don't know if and which one I suffer from. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing which is fear and which is anxiety, because those two remain so close to each other.

I had a friend who had the same problems I had. The same feeling of being useless, worthless, alone. He suffered from the same addictions, which was the ruining of his own body because he felt like he deserved it, even though he had never done something wrong.

I wonder if it sounds cliché to say that until then, I had always wore long sleeves, because when I tell people, they barely believe. How can someone wear long sleeves all year without anyone noticing that something is wrong?

It happens. People don't see what they don't want to see.

After a while I told msyelf I was done hiding. Because I had those moments. When I realized things and found the strength to tell them to myself. 

I asked my friend how he had told his friends about his self-harm and he said he never did. His friends had told him that they knew. That was all.

After that he stopped hiding them. 

I asked if it wasn't hard for him, because I couldn't see myself doing it with the social anxiety that already made me insecure and tensed when I was around people.

This is what he told me and what I tell everyone I meet who suffers from self-harm:

"When you cut, you feel guilty. You feel guilty because you think it's a weak thing to do and so you think your scars are a sign of weakness. But they aren't. They're a sign that you've gone through tough things - things most teenagers can't even think about - and that you're still here. They aren't a sign of weakness, they're a sign of strength."

That has always stayed with me. That summer I wore short sleeves again and it was scary, because I was afraid people would notice and comment on them. But they didn't. I'm not sure whether it is because they don't care or because they never payed attention to me at all, but it felt good. It was the first time I ever didn't have the feeling I wanted to rip off my skin.

You maybe think this has nothing to do with social or anxiety in general, but it does. Anxiety gives you the feeling like you always need to be sorry for something. For existing, breathing, thinking. 

It gives you the feeling like everyone wants to punish you for it. 

But they don't. They don't know you and they don't care and they don't have to. And neither do you. You don't have to care, because you don't know them and even when you do, why should it mean so much? 

Because in the end the ones that know you, will stay with you and they will understand. That's what matters.

So even when I don't want to, I'll force myself to wear short sleeves this summer and when someone asks about my scars, I'll tell them they're nothing more but a sign of strength.

They don't need a reason or a story. They need to know what they are to you. Because when you decide to live with them until they fade and even when they never fade, decide to live with them, others will too.

You'll get over your anxiety, because you are who you are and there's no one who should be able to change that. There's something beautiful in everyone, no matter how cheesy that sounds, there is.

You just need to find it. 

I love you all. I really do.

- Kyran