"What's depression like?" He asked.

In a couple of years.

It has been a while. Too long, actually. And I do apologize for that with all my heart. I have been travelling through America with my friends, getting to know them even better and getting to know myself.

When I started this book I wanted to get things of my chest and more and more during my trip I realized I am now in a place where I want to help people who feel like I did. And still do sometimes. 

I love travelling. I love travelling with all my heart. I am in places that I have never seen, that have nothing to do with my past. I meet people who don't know anything about me. Who don't know anything about what I went through and how that shaped me. Because believe me, no matter how good you feel and no matter how far your problems disappear to the back of your head, they are never gone. They never will be. They made you who you are today, which in my view point is most of the times one strong person. 

During this trip I learned a little better how to cope with my trust issues. The fact I make new friends very rarely, because I am afraid they will either fuck me over or leave without notice. I learned that not all people are like that. It is okay to like them, it is okay to get attached to them (just not too quickly, because you'll come across strange) and it's okay to make friends. It's even okay to fall in love, even though I do still struggle with that.

Nobody will ever know me the way my friends do, which is something I've learned aswell. My friends know everything about me. They know me when I'm sad, when I am really sad and when I'm semi-happy. And even on the rare occasions that I am happy. Completely happy. Happy with my life. It's rare, but it happens.

If you are someone who has started to feel better years ago, but you still don't feel completely normal, don't worry. I believe that when you go through depression, PTSD, anxiety, an eating disorder, addiction or whatever else, you don't cure in a few months. It takes years to rebuild your self-esteem. To learn how to act around people. To not feel scared, to not count callories, to not pick up a razor blade, to not have nightmares about how things used to be.

It's okay to look back. Those who tell you that you need to leave bad things behind you don't know what's it's like to go through bad things. You don't just leave them behind, but you do learn from them. And even though you sometimes get reminded by the bad things that happened to you, like when you tell someone your story and they look at you in a weird and "sorry" way, it's alright. It's okay to tell people what you want through, what you experienced. Maybe you can help them or maybe they can help you. But in the end, it will remind you of what you experienced and where you are now. That's the most important thing.

You are in a better place. Or you will be in a better place. And years from now, you will realize that even though you're being reminded daily or weekly or monthly about your past, you are in a better place. You are one strong person. You can do anything. Your friends are the most important people in your life (when your family lets you down).

Being alive is worth it. The things you will see and the things you will do and the people you will meet, they are all worth it. Let me know in a couple of years.

- Kyran

p.s Again sorry for my long absence. I hope you have all been okay. Talk to me whenever. I love every single one of you.