The rest of the day after that episode in the morning went on like old routine clockwork. I went to each class with my head down, I was the first in each class, I took notes and finished all work given first. I didn't talk, I didn't raise my hand. I was on auto pilot. I didn't see Alex , Jack or Rian until lunch. I sat back in my corner alone a book half read and worn out sitting open in front of me my attention wasn't on it though. my attention was on the 3 boys sat a few tables away with the popular crowd. I knew Alex, Jack, Rian, Flyzik and Evan at the table, two other boys and 4 girls sat at the table too.
I told myself to look away. I said over and over to look down, go back to reading. but I couldn't. I kept thinking about that morning, what had happened and how hurt I really was. I was physically hurt from the fall, anymore, I was more hurt that all hope that I was actually still friends with the boys was crushed by the actions of said boy. I wasn't even properly looked at when words were hurting me. I was glimpsed at and the fact that Alex was bigger than a regular douche really upset me. I couldn't speak for the other boys, I hadn't encountered them yet, but something told me they'd most likely be the same.
I closed the book in front of me and sighed. I wanted everything to go away, I wanted to be anywhere but here. but it wasn't that simple. if it was I'd snap my fingers and poof id be in a better place. life isn't fair and I hate the horrible wake up call you get when you realize it. Theres not a warning, it just happens and your left helpless and alone without a clue what to do and that's me. Lost, afraid and upset with how things are and going to be.
Lunch dragged on longer than my other classes. I found myself forcing my eyes onto the table as I sat in silence. I had no desire to listen to music and I had no desire to do anything else. Music was in a rut for me. it wasn't helping me get through my situation, it was the same songs playing over and over and now as I listened to those songs for the millionth time, those words that held so much meaning in them, blurred together and the meaning behind the words was lost in my head and forgotten. I no longer listened to the lyrics, the music was just there to muffle the outside world and now I didn't even want that.
I got through my last classes like my others, in a blur. when the bell rang for the end of the day I wasn't the first out of the room. I sat motionless in my seat until everyone was out of Theres and almost out of the room. then I slowly picked up my bag, through on my strap and headed out the door. I kept tight to the wall to let people pass me with ease and I kept at a slow pace nothing like my normal "I need to get out of here now" pace.
There wasn't a feeling in me. I was numb, my eyes were heavy and my limbs were just dangling. I'm guessing this is was giving up looked like. because yes I gave up. I gave up on trying, I gave up on that hope that everything would get better when it looks like it won't anytime soon. I couldn't remember any of the reasons of why i dragged on with my life for so long or even how I got through the day. all of that was gone in my mind and everything that I went through to get through each day was pointless. What was the point in trying if it got me no where? Why was I fighting so long if it wasn't showing any signs of change?
Everyday I was was chased to school by the same people. Everyday I was pushed around like I was nothing by everyone in the stupid school and not one person every gave me a second glance. I haven't seen my dad and brother in years and neither had tried to contact me and there was so much more to the list of things that were now pointless to fight for.
I wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't making any progress and so now as I walked out of the school building, home bound, I gave up.
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I just started crying. this chapter may suck but oh my god I started typing one thing and suddenly poured out me into it.
Sorry guys that I suck at writing and I'd like to thank you all for dealing with my sporadic every few months updates.
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Memories That DON'T Fade like Photographs(ALL TIME LOW)
Fanfictionsome memories will never leave your head, real or not.
