A Chaotic but Perfect World: In the Epping Forest

Failed attempts

Serly and Oliver cut back to the diary.
-Now, I don't want to see you frowning or beating yourself down again, understood? No matter what you've written here, it's "written" and not "writing", and what matters is the here and now. I understand what's going on, but I need you to know that I, among many others, love you and healing isn't impossible, not at all...
She caresses his cheek and went on.
-You can do it...God is with you. You wouldn't be here if He wasn't, would you?
He lightly laughed.
-I would be dead...and you would be someone else's. You know...as terrible as my childhood was, if you can call it a childhood...objectively, it could've been way worse. I could've died, first, I could've forever stayed in the mental hospital, second, I could've stayed without family and grown bitter, third possibility, or maybe grown in an unhealthy, unloving "family" from the very beginning, or...I might've been aborted...eh. Things turned out the best way. The best moment, still, was meeting you. Look, I was very rude towards you, I insulted you and mocked you...yet you forgave me. I just...wanted to evoke something inside of you, I wanted to test and see the amount of your patience...and you really intrigued me. No, seriously, intrigue is probably the weakest form of what I felt. You fired me up, roasted me and burnt me with your greatness, and then straight up went in and devoured me, passionately. Special thanks to Selena for that neck kiss dare too, I have to admit it played a role in cracking my facade.
She giggled whilst he revealed his train of thoughts.
-Okay, but if we keep talking we're going to end up in another erotic position and never get this thing done.
-Yeah...I'll read this one, if I may...
Oliver took the diary and read the next.
-"I'm bored. I don't know what to do. Everyone else is downstairs, getting checked and some adopted, but I'm here, because sister Anna locked me up. Probably because I'm a monster. I didn't even hurt someone, just because of my name, everyone says I'm a demon. That makes me feel more like a monster. I think there's something else about me, other than my name, that makes everyone think I'm a demon. If it's just my name, then they're all so stupid. That's rubbish, a name shouldn't say who I am. Bella's name means beautiful, but she's not beautiful, why does no one beat her? Everything's confusing."
-Mhhm...you were smart even as a child.
Serly started.
-There's a poem, in Armenian literature, called "In Ravenna", but it's not about the historical city of Italy, but about mount Ararat. The title is just that to compare the name with the meaning. The city Ravenna, unlike mount Ararat, is dead, it has passed away, and the author says that generations will come, see the top of the mountain, that's bright like a diamond, then go, but the mountain will stay. Your title...Belial...is just to compare your nature to the demon's, and show how different you two are. And if one doesn't notice the difference, then they're not reading what's written, and judging based solely on the title.
He meaningfully grinned.
-That doesn't work in your case, though, my darling, full of love.
She scoffed sarcastically.
-Of course it doesn't, I'm special... even though titling a poem with something that actually reveals what the poem is about is much more common than titling a contradiction.
Kisses exchanged, and an embracing hug extinguished their thirst for each other, slightly.
-I would kiss you for 24 hours if I had the ability to hold my breath that long. Well, 24 hours minimum. The rest depend on your will.
She giggled and blushed.
-Okay, prince charming, let's continue with work, yeah?
-Sure.
He smirked the way he should, charmingly, and turned the page. The handwriting was crazy, scribbled, messy and dirty, as if written in a hurry. Oliver's face dropped, dissociated and emotions faded away.
-I wrote this after getting exorcised for the first time.
Serly silently payed attention.
-I remember...the director giving money to the priest...right in front of me... and telling them to do something to...
His deep exhale revealed pain resurfacing again. Voice slowly died away and quivered.
-...get rid of me...they said they can't... and...then just left...and the director beat me...because she couldn't get rid of me...
He wiped his tears and read under his nose.
-"Why does director Bernadette want me gone so much? Does my name really scare her that much? Why? Is getting beaten the only reason I live? What have I ever done to people? Why does everyone hate me so much? Why does everyone want to kill me? Even the children hate me! I'm tired of this! I don't want to live if I'm going to get beaten, hated or laughed at for no reason! Is there something about me that's evil and I don't know, other than my name? Why have my parents even given me a demon's name? Why not something not demonic? Like Paul? Or Oliver? Or John? Even they hated me? Why? Does God hate me too? Does everyone hate me because God hates me? I don't understand! Why?!".
Silence fell. The atmosphere was heavy. She looked at him patiently, but he kept his glance away from her.
-I got the name I wanted...
Oliver spoke unemotionally. His attention turned to her. His eyes were dead, expressionless, black and bleak. The demeanor had shifted abruptly. Serly did not dare speak a word. Sultrily, he ran his fingers through his hair and landed a preying expression on her. He stood up, leisurely, and strolled towards her. Her heart began beating fast and breathing slowly got fast, as legs carefully stepped back. He noticed and impatiently gripped her wrist, roughly pulling her close. His luscious fingers widely covered her waist and played with her shirt. His other hand traced her cheek, then jaw, neck and grabbed breasts.
-Oliver...
His finger returned and silenced her fearful voice. Eyebrows were furrowed and body frozen.
He leaned in her ear and whispered broodingly.
-You're afraid of me, aren't you?
-Oliver, I-I...
She whimpered and gulped, as he strengthened his grip on her waist, before coldly interrupting her speech.
-Yes or no?
Serly shut down. Startling and trembling stopped. Expressions got erased immediately.
-Why is your diary here?
Her voice wasn't soft or expressive, but emotionless and freezing.
He darkly moaned and stretched his shoulders, and continued speaking lustfully.
-I said yes or no?
She looked at him aggressively, and talked in that manner.
-No, I'm not. Now, answer, or I'll have to get physically violent with you.
Her threat only caused him to chuckle.
-I don't know...I'm losing my grip on control, I can't think.
He seductively announced. His tongue began to slide up from her neck to cheek, animalistic.
She ragingly pushed him away and took out a dagger.
-Get closer, I dare you...
Belial smirked. His eyes were heavy lidded, face was stoic. He kept stretching his neck, shoulders and running his fingers through his hair, while he growled and moaned.
-Agghhh...mmmhhhm...ughhh...you're playing dangerous...I like that...
Serly's eyes widened, when Belial monstrously attacked her and brought her wrists together behind her back, and pushed her to the wall. She gasped, as his fingers began to unbutton her trousers, while his hard manliness was grinding against her through his clothing.
-Mmhhhm...I need you...your warmth comforts me...but kisses aren't enough.
He groaned in her ear.
-Oliver...this isn't you.
She spoke after trying to do something with her dagger, but failing. Instead of getting an answer, she got an overtly wet kiss on her neck, then his head slowly reached her breasts. She began to whimper. Yet, that moment, Serly hit his groin with her leg. Belial wailed in pain and released his hands. She, unhesitatingly, got on her knees and pulled up the garment covering his bitten leg. It was much hairier than average.
-I don't know what to do...
She confessed quietly to herself and stood up, facing him, again.
His strong hands immediately brought her face forward by her jaw.
-Obey!
He growled through his teeth.
-Ugh! Let me go!
She pulled her head away from him.
-"But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." You've already done it. "For everything in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-comes not from the Father but from the world.", "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Belial...fight desire with desire. "So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." Please...I believe in you...you can do it. Remember when Hemsworth was trying to kill me by getting into my mind? But he couldn't, because we fought...together. it's the same thing now...but it's you he's attacking now, and not me. You don't want my flesh, you want me. And I am not only my flesh. I'm also my soul, heart, mind...and you love me...because of who I am, and not what I am. Remember when I first kissed your cheek under the tree? It was too early...I don't kiss people that soon...I don't kiss people, actually, but I kissed you...because you were different...every kiss, touch and compliment was mended specially for you...I don't do these to any other...and I did them to you, not because of your tempting handsomeness, but because of your bright soul...but it's dying away...your fight is for your soul's pureness now...
He visibly calmed down. There was only darkness in his eyes.
-Where is the light inside your eyes? Where has it gone?
She whispered.
-"The light inside my eyes is just the reflection of the light in front of me"... remember?
Belial bleakly spoke.
Serly furrowed her strong eyebrows.
-Well what do you want me to do, Master?! What can I, your servant, do for you? Ugh...I'm lost! I don't know what to do to help you anymore! You're a stone! Unaffected! I'm just endangering my life...
Her tears patiently poured out.
-I'm a fool for never learning...I should've never opened up to anyone...I shouldn't have trusted you...I shouldn't have loved you and given in to the feelings...they always stab me in return...and promises get burned...I regret everything...I'm so naive.
She wept, heartbroken, her back only visible to Oliver, who's glare was softening and becoming humanly.
-Serly...
He put his hand on her arm, but she pushed away.
-Don't touch me! "Give people a second chance, but not a third."
His sad eyes met her cold, teary ones.
-You've got problems, but I've got some too, because I'm also a human with flaws and imperfections! I can't be the entertainer, supporter forever, because it's not in my nature. I walked out of my comfort zone, alas, I regret it. I should've stayed guarded. Nobody's worth my trust, affection or time. Especially you. You're just another user. I'm not your comforter or your therapist. I'm just your coworker, who wrongfully thought there might be something between us. I know I'm not the problem, you, plural, are.
Her dark words tormented his shattered heart.
-Give me that diary, now.
She ordered, monotone.
Before Oliver can give, she snatched it. She read it, lacking empathy and sympathy in her voice.
-"What have I done?! What have I done?! What have I done?! I'm a beast! I have demonic powers! I could've killed him! I almost killed him! He was bleeding, the wall was bloody too! And he fainted, he was taken to the hospital! I'm evil! No one else has to beat me up, I'll do it myself! I'll kill myself! I'm uncontrollable! I shouldn't live, I mustn't live, I'll kill people, I'll hurt people!!! I have to kill myself! In the most painful way possible! A knife is too weak, jumping out of a window is too weak, drowning is too weak, strangling is too weak, hanging is too weak, I deserve something greater...I deserve to be beheaded, burnt, maybe even eaten up. Or maybe they're too weak too!!! I don't want to live!!!"
The page was wet and bloody. Oliver pulled his hair and cried soundlessly, while she watched him, heart aching to help, but mind keeping her back and safe.
-That was my first failed suicide attempt...
He whispered, tears falling down rapidly.
Serly ignored him and read the next.
-"God, let me kill myself!!! Sister Catherine didn't let me slit my throat!!! But I'm not going to stop trying! I'm going to break my skull with a rock! But everyone's following me, so I don't kill myself!!!! Let me kill myself!!!! I don't want to live!!!!"
He sobbed and choked on his own tears, guilt shredding his tortured heart into smaller pieces.
But she, nevertheless, read the next.
-"I didn't die! I stayed at the hospital and they healed me, but I wanted to die! I have to think of a way, where no one else would see what I'm doing. I don't understand why they're not letting a monster kill himself!!! I'll kill them if they keep healing me!! No one can stop me in the bathroom, I have to kill myself there, but with something, that's not commonly used for killing. Ink? That's not deadly. Pencil? That's suspicious. Apple seeds. They're toxic, and just a food. I can get away with it even in public. Time to start doing it."
Oliver kneeled down while she read it all, his pain too great to bear. Her dagger was on the floor, near her feet. Uncontrollably, he reached out to take the dagger, but she immediately stepped on it. He grabbed the dagger anyway, by the sharp part, and began trying to pull it out, while blood soared out of his hands. She kicked the dagger away, it slid back, further from Oliver.
-Let me kill myself!
His shivering voice commanded helplessly.
She kneeled down, also, and held his shoulders.
-Pull yourself together! What are you doing?!
Her anger radiated and rumbled. He bawled his heart out.
-Let me kill myself...please, I'm begging you...I don't want to live...aghh!
He groaned in pain and looked down at his excessively hairy leg.
Her eyes went there too.
-We don't have much time. So get yourself together!
Oliver breathed heavily and salt never ran out.
Serly moaned angrily.
-You need solace, I know, but I can't do that. All that's coming to my mind now is dark humor. Here's one: don't kill yourself now, do you know why? Because you're already on a suicidal mission. Do you know why else? Because you'll kill yourself only when it's the worst times, like when identifying as dogs becomes acceptable enough for these people to get adopted as dogs. From my point of view, these are pretty comforting, because this day isn't as half as bad as the future days. Sure, if you kill yourself now, you won't experience the terrible upcoming days, but, it might seem like I'm going to say "but also the wonderful days", but I've lost hope of wonderful days on Earth, unless you become a hermit or monk, so I'm going to say, that killing yourself now just means you love yourself, so, if you truly hate yourself, then you have to keep living and experiencing the stupidity on Earth. Killing oneself is actually a pretty paradoxical and contradicting thing, right? Or is it just that death is actually the best thing someone can get?
She looked at him determinedly, he looked at her hopelessly.
-I still feel love for you, though...My earlier comments weren't pointed towards you...
Eyes surfed to lips, and, a minute not yet passed, when she crashed her lips to his. While their earlier kisses were of passion, love and intimacy, this one was bitter, raging and aggressively rough. Her body was on his. She bit his bottom lip so mercilessly, it started to bleed, and she took them in with her tongue.
-I'm sorry...I hurt you, I'm sorry about that...
Serly whispered after.
-You hurt me? You hurt me? It was I, who hurt you...what's wrong with you? Why don't you take care of yourself? Why are you still...loving me? I feared this, I knew this'll happen...I didn't want to get closer to you, but...I-I couldn't...
He whispered in turn.
They glared at each other, eyes red, cheeks wet and hearts fast.
-Because you deserve it...love can heal, I believe in that...
Oliver shook his head.
-What about you? Are you not aching to release pain tormenting your heart? Doesn't your heart bear too much? Let it all out...
Her eyes filled slowly, once again, and she quietly rested in his arms, water falling already.
-I see myself in you, Oliver...I want to help you...because then...I-I...would be helping...myself...I just...don't know what's going on with me and why I feel what I feel...what it all could mean and...I want to stop it, I want to just...get rid of it...but I don't know the root, the reason, I don't understand the point of it, I don't understand why anything matters...and I sometimes feel like...I feel nothing and nothing has affect on me, I'm numb...and I just dream about death only, I only want to die and I don't care about danger or risk towards my life, I don't value my life, but with you, Oliver, I feel...alive, I want to live, I want to love you and I want us to have a future together...but I'm afraid, I'm afraid of the path I've chosen, that I will ruin everything, because I'm a mood killer, I kill happiness, I kill enjoyment, I kill meaning and I only let bleakness, I am like a black hole, I suck existence and drink energy like a vampire drinks blood...nobody, I mean absolutely nobody wants to be around me, I have no one and I'm just existing for no reason and I have no dreams, my dreams have collapsed and I see no purpose in life, only God gives me solace, because I can't control Him, and I'm a control freak, a workaholic, a boring robot, I have no preferences of anything at all, I'm always neutral, as if I'm Switzerland, I have no identity, I am a nobody, I have nothing, and if I did, then I would be a murderer, a sadist, a monster and I have done no contribution to anything or anyone, because when I do, I get hurt, I get used and manipulated, because I trust everyone, I trust everyone so quickly, I assume they're kindhearted, I assume they're good people, because that's what I want them to be, but I always turn out wrong, so I just obsess over things that don't matter and only create darkness and pain, i don't care about anything and I'm losing my will to live everyday, suicidal ideation is taking over my mind again and I have nothing else to do other than distract myself through work and work fuels my disinterest in life, so it's just a cycle of intensifying my dreams, which are just my hypothetical deaths, that unfortunately never really happen...and...
She let out a hearty sigh and sobbed, while he hugged her tightly. His lips landed on her head.
-Serly...my dear Serly...your self declarations are so...false...if you suck happiness, then how do you make me happy? If you drink energy, then how do you give me energy? If you kill meaning, then how are you...the meaning...of my life? You gave me a reason to live...so let me give you a reason to live too...and when we finish this case...we'll love each other...you said love heals...so let me truly love you... let me protect you, be there for you, care for you...see you, hear you...
Oliver serenely brought her face in front of his and smiled lightly.
-Will you let me love you?
She shivered and sighed, breathing heavily. Her head rested on his shoulder, arm wrapped around his neck.
-I will...
She inaudibly whispered in his ear.
He held her closer, glimpsing down, and seeing his leg's excessive hair completely gone.
-Love heals...