Our Secret (Austin Mahone Fanfiction)

Part 18

- Madison's point of view -

"I wonder why he left." Cameron wondered out loud but little did he know; I was panicking. "He seemed pretty pissed off if you ask me." I still said nothing. I could clearly hear and feel my heartbeat throughout my chest, it was going so fast that it started to scare me. "Are you sure there's nothing going on between you two because from what I just witnessed, it sure seemed like something was up."

I shut my eyes trying to block the effect he had over me. To say I was bothered would be an understatement right about now. "Did the cat catch your tongue?"

"Shut up, Cameron!" I yelled "I already told you, nothing is going on between us." I hissed through gritted teeth, my fist held so tight that my knuckles were turning white.

"But you seem so tensed. You were letting loose a few minutes ago, weren't you?" I ignored his comment that sadly was one hundred percent true.

We talked about this before leaving the house, my mind pressed, you told him you wouldn't do it and what did you do? The exact opposite. Great job Madison, you pissed him off and now he probably wants nothing to do with you anymore. He probably ran off to go fuck another girl to make him feel better when you're the one who's supposed to take care of that.

I looked up to Cameron who was still looking at me "I hate you." I declared in an affirmative tone that was so harsh and direct that I didn't even know I had the power to muster.

"No you don't."

"As of right now," My voice started to crack and my vision got blurry "I do. I hate every single thing about you. You've made me miserable for days on end and I just can't take it anymore. I'm a human being just like you and I have feelings just like you. How could you even think of treating me in such a way? I played your game for a while but now I'm sick of it and I'm more than done arguing with your pathetic excuses. I'm done Cameron. Did you hear that? I'm done!" I shouted tears now pouring down my face. I felt my stomach churn in all kind of directions signalling me that I was going to puke but taking in a deep breath, I managed to make it pass.

"And to think that you were everything to me," I continued on "Everything I did involved around you, you were the one I went to when I needed help and you know what? You were always there. But all of a sudden that all changed and my world got turned upside down in a matter of seconds. You were always so sweet and nice but now, I don't even know who you are anymore, I thought I meant something to you, I thought we were one but obviously I was very wrong. You were so God damn special and I felt honoured that I had gotten the chance to be your friend, that I had gotten the chance to share things with you that I never did with anyone else. You broke me into a million pieces and then, and then you wanna know what happened? I was left alone but luckily for me, I found someone else. Someone who treated me ten times better than you ever did and that person just walked out the door a few minutes ago. I'm trying to get myself back together and you're not letting me!" I took a breath "Austin's always there for me when I need him and you guys won't fucking leave me alone about it. So what if we're having sex? That's none of your God damn business, it's my life and I do what I want with it. I thought friends, no correct that, best friends were supposed to stay by each other's side but obviously not. I'm tired, I'm so fucking tired of this." I cried as my head hung low not knowing what to do anymore. I just poured out my whole heart and the worst part? I was as drunk as you could get.

Nothing was making sense anymore and I could barely see what was happening around me. All I knew was that no one spoke and everyone was probably chocked to what had just come out and to be honest, I couldn't blame them. I basically just told everyone that something was in fact going on between Austin and I after all the times I denied it. Oops?

Samuel's hand started to rub my back in a comforting matter but it barely took a second before I slapped it away not wanting anything to do with him. I didn't want him to look at me, to speak to me or to even touch me. Nothing.

All the people in this room right now could literally go screw themselves. Emma Blasko more precisely. It was all her fault because she's the one who brought me down here, I was having a great time up stairs dancing and that all came crashing down in a matter of minutes.

Suddenly, I felt all of my stomach make its way up and I hopped off the couch and ran to the nearest garbage can. Everything came flying out of me as I cried in defeat. The combo of both crying and vomiting wasn't the best thing ever, if I could put it that way.

Once everything was out, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and sat on the floor crying everything out. I felt as if everyone was against me and I hated it. It made me feel like I was no one, like I was the bad guy while in reality; I really wasn't. I was just living life like any other person would but somehow everything turned against my will.

"I don't care anymore," I whimpered while trying to get myself up "You ruined my life. Maybe you're even worse than Colt." And with that I held one arm close to my stomach while my hand from the other one wiped the tears away. Before I knew it, I was going up the stairs as the whole room was still silence, not a word had been said.

I'm such a mess, I thought. I probably look even worse than what I feel.

I grabbed the railing on the stairs to try to keep myself from falling down as I put one foot in front of the other. I continued sobbing all the way up, my makeup probably running down my face like crazy. I just had enough with everything and I literally did not have the slightest care in the world right now. They still kept silence or at least if they were speaking, I couldn't hear them over my never ending sobs. I felt as if I didn't even have any control of my body and that someone had completely taken over.

I wondered what I was going to do once I would reach the top of the stairs and walk through that door. People were probably going to stare and give me looks. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get home because I'm sure Austin left the party in a blink of an eye.

Maybe I could walk? But I don't even know where I am and I can barely make it up the stairs so that's not such a good idea after all. Maybe I could grab a ride from someone? But they're probably all drunk and they don't want anything to do with me anyways.

I shook the thought away not wanting to deal with it right now. Climbing up the last step, I took in a deep breath while reaching for the door knob, I need to stop crying. Twisting it opened, I stepped out into the hot air that had both the smell of alcohol and sweat. I decided that the first thing I had to do was to make my way to the bathroom and clean up because after what just happened, I felt like shit.

Pushing past people as I struggled with keeping my balance, I finally made it to the bathroom where to my luck, no one was inside. I closed the door behind me and carefully made my way to the mirror where I took in my appearance; filthy. There wasn't a single word that could better describe me than filthy. I felt disgusting, dirty, unworthy.

I turned the tap on and let the water drizzle over my fingers as I absentmindedly stared at my hands.

My life is ruined. I messed everything up.

I bent down rinsing my mouth with the ice cold water that actually felt hot on my skin before washing my hands with soap. I then tried to get the makeup off of my face but as soon as my eyes met the ones reflecting in the mirror, I saw how broken and tired they were. They screamed to be held shut for a couple hours but I wouldn't let them, not now.

Giving up on the whole "making myself look better thing", I stepped out of the bathroom and made my way back to the living room.

For the first time tonight, I pulled out my cell phone and saw the time.

12:52AM.

Searching for a place to sit down, I found an empty wall where I gladly slid myself down before bending my knees up to my chest and resting my head against it. Everything seemed in slow motion and I couldn't even properly hear the music around me anymore. I just wanted to go home, there was nothing more that I wanted to do than to go home.

I saw the feet of people walking by me but didn't even bother on looking up to see who it was. I didn't care.

I was so out of it that by this point, it didn't really matter. People could be bashing out on me and I couldn't care less, nothing actually mattered except for one thing and that was Austin.

Where was he? I had no idea. Was he mad? Probably. Did he deserve it? Not one bit.

I honestly couldn't believe what I just did. Who in their right minds would even think about doing such a thing? All this because I wanted to make Cameron suffer but once again, the game got turned against me. Maybe I should just let him win I mean, what's the point?

I ranked my fingers through my hair not knowing what to do. I had no energy to get up and I didn't know where to go. I wanted to give up because let's face it, nothing was worth it. I could sit here and cry all night if I wanted to but where would that bring me? Exactly, nowhere. And even though I have this overwhelming urge to do it, I'm not letting myself. I can't, I won't.

I suddenly felt this presence by my side making me snap my head in their direction to see who it was. My weary eyes scanned his face repetitively before my brain started to comprehend what was going on.

"You could've told me." I shut my eyes not wanting to deal with this. I was already well aware that I had just unleashed a monster but right now wasn't the time. "I wouldn't have told anyone and you know that. You basically fed my lies for how long now? A month? I thought you trusted me." And there that word came again.

Trust.

Was there really a person I could trust? Every single time I got hurt it was by people I trusted. They would fool me into telling them everything and just when I thought everything was fine, they would leave me there begging for mercy. Every single time.

Basically, it just happened again; Emma, she was gone. Cameron, he was dead to me. And Austin, I trusted him. But the question was: did he trust me? I just fucked everything up in a matter of seconds, how could he possibly trust me after that? After I kissed another guy in front of his face? After I did exactly what I said I wasn't going to do? The thing was, it bothered me. To think that he could potentially not trust me anymore, it hit me hard and I was mentally breaking down. The only thing keeping me from tearing apart, I can't have it taken away before my eyes.

"I can't trust anyone, Robert. Every time I say or do something I get lectured and judged about it. It's my personal life and I do what I want with it and when people keep putting their noses into my business, I shut down. Simple as that. They think they know what's best for me but really, they don't."

"Yeah but it isn't just about this. I saw Austin's face, his reaction. There's more to it Madison, I've known the guy for three years now and I can clearly read him like a book and what I saw tonight, told me otherwise."

"There's more to it? More to what? Enlighten my mood."

Robert shook his head "To what you said back there."

"Oh so you wanna know? Okay well Austin and I have been having sex for how long now? A month? Ya that sounds right."

"So you guys are going out in secret?"

"No" I shrugged "It's called fuck buddies. Have you ever heard of that before? Or are you a virgin like Cameron?" His eyes shot daggers in my direction to my sudden choice of words but as I said, I didn't care. Every single person in this house right now could go screw themselves because as far as I'm concern, they're all fake, every one of them.

He simply sat against the wall mimicking my actions not saying a word. He was probably trying to analyze the information I had just fed him.

"I honestly don't care, I wouldn't have told anyone, Madison." He breathed out "But tell me, why?"

"Because I'm hurting. I needed someone to help me, to make me feel better and you know what? Austin does that. And you know what else? He's hurting too and that's what makes it all that better because we complete one another. We make each other feel good and bottom line, that's all that matters. It makes me, us, forget about everything."

"By having sex? That's what you guys came up with?"

I took in a breath before managing to get myself up on my feet "And that's exactly why I didn't tell anyone. I knew that no one would understand me and would find it ridiculous while really, it isn't. Right now, you're judging. You should understand where I come from but obviously you don't. You should know that people cope with pain in all kinds of different ways and this is mine okay? I have sex with a boy in which I literally put all my trust in and as of right now, I'm being torn apart because I might lose him and I can't let that happen because I have no one else. No one."

"Madison!" He got up himself before making his way to me "I'm not judging I'm just trying to understand, that's all."

"And guess what?" I said "You don't. No one does except for Austin and just for the record, he's the one who proposed the offer, not me. I just accepted it." And with that I turned around on my heels trying not to stubble everywhere as I grabbed onto the wall for balance.

I didn't know where I was going next but I needed to be far away as possible from them. They were ruining me. I was losing it. I was literally saying anything and everything that shouldn't be said.

My feet brought me back to the kitchen where I scanned the counter wanting to take another drink thinking that it would make everything go away. It sounded like a pretty good option but I knew better; I was already in the bag as it was so better not make it worst, I thought.

Looking to my right, I saw an empty spot where no one was found. Sitting myself on the tiled floor, my head dropped in my hands and before I knew it, everything went black.

* * *

My eyes fluttered open as this intense headache hit me full on force. I took a look around expecting to find a trashed house but to my surprise, I saw the exact opposite. It wasn't my house but it was one that I knew and recognized so well. I was lying on the same comfortable mattress in which I had learned to love, where so many memories were held in between each and every fibber.

It was dark though which just led me to assume that it was still night.

I was confused at first but as soon as I saw him, I understood. He was lying by my side sound asleep, or so I thought. The difference was that this huge gap was separating us while usually, I couldn't get him to stop cuddling me even if my life depended on it. It didn't matter whether I fell asleep first or not because somehow, he would always manage to make his way over to me but now, it was like two strangers forced on sharing a same bed.

The memories started flooding back almost instantly and within a second, guilt consumed my whole entire body. A slap right across the face would be the best way to describe it. I felt stupid for doing such a thing because I would never on a normal basis; I would never even dare to try something like that because I've been cheated on before and I know exactly how that feels and if I were to see Colt do it right in front of me, I would've lost it too. Yes, it was uncalled for but it could've been avoided by all means and obviously that didn't happen.

Looking over at Austin, tears started to engulf my eyes just from the thought of losing him. He's the one that brought me home though, he didn't leave me.

Reaching my hand out, I rested it on his chest where I shook him awake almost instantly.

"Austin?" I called out. He brought his hand up to his face while rubbing it up and down in a stressful manner as an exasperated sigh let his lips. "I'm sorry, Austin. I'm so- so sorry I didn't mean it I swear!" I said with every word cracking.

I watched as he fluently got up from the bed and started to make his way to the door but I didn't let him, I couldn't. He was already half way across the room but I grabbed onto his wrist making him stop dead in his tracks.

"Please talk to me, Austin. Please." I begged, his back still facing me.

"Talk to you? What is there to talk about? Last I checked, you already took care of that with that Samuel guy." He spat venom hidden behind each word.

"No!" Tears begged for an escape "I don't know what I was thinking, I honestly don't. I would never do something to hurt you and you know that."

He finally turned around as to he was now facing me, the small light from the window shinning onto his face letting me decipher all the small features I loved "Oh really? Then why did you?"

"I didn't! I wanted to make Cameron feel horrible, not you! It wasn't meant for this to happen, this wasn't about you."

"But guess what?" He stressed "I was there. Did you forget that part? Or were you too busy sucking his face off to remember that?" I brought my eyes to the side while biting down on my lip, the guilt consuming all of my body once again. I didn't want to lie to him, that just wouldn't be right. "That's what I thought." He shook his head knowing the exact answer to his question.

The salty substance finally started to escape my eyes making my cheeks burn from all the shame hidden within them. It wasn't fair. I should've never done it.

Suddenly, Austin's hand made its way to my left cheek where he started to wipe, with the pad of his thumb, the tears away. "Don't cry baby. I hate seeing you cry." I stood there taken aback by his actions. He was angry with me but still, he was comforting me. It didn't make any sense.

"I just feel so bad." I chocked out "I'm sorry. You don't even know how sorry I am and I wish I could take it all back but I can't. You don't deserve this. I screwed up and when I saw that you left, I got so scared because I thought I had lost you. I broke down right in front of everyone and now they all know, there's no hiding it anymore."

"I wouldn't leave you, Madison. I just felt used and taken advantaged-of. It's like you had forgotten about everything and that I didn't even exist anymore and truthfully, I couldn't even begin to tell you how that made me feel. I just couldn't sit there and watch you. It was too much."

The water works kept going as if I had no control over them at all. Everything was turning and my head was pounding.

"I wanted to make Cameron leave, not you." I cried in defeat not knowing what to say anymore. "Do you trust me?"

"What?"

"Do you still trust me? After what I did Austin, do you still trust me?"

He looked at me long and hard, his eyes boring deep into mine making knots tie up into my stomach "Of course I do. Why would you even question that?"

"Because I screwed up."

"Yeah? But that doesn't change anything. It hurts but it doesn't change how I feel about you I mean after all, we're not together."

I brought my face closer to his as to our lips were only inches apart brushing against one another "But somehow we are," I paused for affect "This is." And in one slow swift movement, I gently pressed my lips to his plump ones. My hand made its way to his left cheek as he kissed back; my top lip captured between both of his.

I felt everything disappear; it wasn't like kissing Samuel at all. It didn't even come close to comparing because with him, nothing could be felt except for the feeling of his lips on top of mine but with Austin, it was very- very different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but it wasn't even the same.

Our lips glided together in a motion that was so harmless, so meaningful. My knees began to get week under his touch but I couldn't let myself fall, not now.

Gradually pulling away, our lips parted for a second before I gave him another quick peck. I licked my lips loving the taste of him, I could never get enough.

He rested his forehead on top of mine as his gaze bored into my own, the same twinkle as always. "How do you do that?" He whispered.

I knitted my eyebrows together "Do what?"

"This" And now he was the one making our lips come together as one. It didn't last long though because before I knew it, he had already pulled away. I wanted his lips to stay there forever and never leave mine. As cliché as it sounded, they had the perfect fit. It was like putting back the pieces to a puzzle and they just happened to mash up together as one.

I suddenly pulled away from him completely, feeling this uneasy tugging at my insides. I couldn't figure out what it was but something was bothering me, something made me do it. A tear slipped away from my eye making a slow run down my cheek.

Why am I feeling like this? I desperately asked myself in need for answers. It hit me so fast that I didn't even know what was going on. I was looking at him and he was looking at me, nothing was being said yet everything was heard loud and clear.

He sighed while rubbing the side of his temples making his way closer and closer to me. "Madison" He breathed out. I looked up just to feel his hands caressing my cheeks, his eyes scanning my whole face without a single ounce of hesitance "I'm falling."