Our Secret (Austin Mahone Fanfiction)

Part 20

You guys can thank Tanya (MahoneIsLife on wattpad or @MahoneIsLifee on twitter) for this update.




- Madison's point of view -

It's been a week, a whole week. Austin hasn't called, texted or even dropped by. I haven't heard a single word from him except for whatever Robert has been telling me.

I can't stop thinking about him, he's the only thing that runs through my mind and it's literally driving me nuts because I just want him out. It's bad enough that I crave him every single day but now, I have to think about him too.

When he said that he was done, he wasn't kidding. Maybe I made a mistake letting him go because by the looks of it, nothing had improved. They had gotten worst, actually. For some reason, every night, I would cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning with the bags underneath my eyes slightly larger due to the lack of sleep. In class it was the worst though because I struggled so hard to keep them open. The teachers voice always sounded so far and the only thing I could properly hear were my own thoughts that were haunting me. It was all wrong.

The only person I had actual contact with was Robert because he absolutely insisted that we be together. He told me numerous times that he didn't care about what I did with Austin and that he was my friend for me and nothing less. But I told him; I told him everything that went down because I needed someone to talk to. Emma tried speaking to me a couple times but I shot her down due to the anger that rose within me every time I saw her. Maybe if it wasn't for her, none of this would've happened. I hated the fact that my best friend, or may I say ex-best friend, created this problem even though I'm the one who did it. It didn't make sense because I was trying to blame it all on someone else.

Everything was messed up.

I missed him so much though, there wasn't an ounce of me that didn't miss his everything. His personality, his laughter, his words, his comfort, his touch, I missed it all. So many times I wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go, I wanted him to make me feel better but that was far from over. I was slowly dying on the inside. It actually felt like Colt all over again except that this time guilt was on me.

I wasn't crying over the fact that I had been lied to and fooled behind my back but because of the fact that I let something so special go.

What was I thinking?

It seemed like a great idea in the moment but afterwards, it hit me pretty hard. I couldn't live without this boy, he made me into something else, something I didn't think I could ever be. He changed me and that's what I loved about him, I was happy.

I wish I could take it all back; I wish I could take a lot of things back but I can't. I've made one too many mistakes and it's more than time that I realize it once and for all. I need to think before making any decisions.

The thing I missed the most about him though was the affection. He gave me so much of it that it was insane. As he said, it was way more than sex, but I was too dumb to see it. Without even realizing it, I had fallen for him and fallen hard. There was no hiding it anymore because I knew exactly how I felt. If I didn't have feelings for him then I wouldn't be beating myself up over it, simple as that. It took me a while to actually admit it but I came to a conclusion that I did. He was my everything.

Words couldn't even begin to describe how I felt, it was too much to put together into a phrase or even a paragraph. Things just weren't the same.

I've thought about going over to his house a few times but brushed the idea off thinking it would only dig me into a deeper whole.

I often wondered if he missed me as much as I did. I remember that last time we did it, he told me that he would be lost if I ever left, he told me that I meant the world to him, he said I was perfect. He begged and argued for me not to leave but I still did. He tried doing everything he could in that moment to make me feel like I was everything that mattered but I ignored all of it. And then I thought about how it felt: amazing. Maybe it was like that for a reason but again, I didn't pay attention to it. I had one thing on my mind and one thing only which that was to leave. I was selfish.

Selfish.

Every day I would remind myself of all this crap and I couldn't do it anymore. Too much is too much. It's either I go and fix this or move on.

Bringing the covers up to my face, I let out an exasperated sigh hating myself the utter most. Then, out of nowhere, I heard knocking on my door. Getting out of the bed the fastest I possibly could, I ran down the stairs almost tripping on my way to it and right when I reached the knob, I stopped.

Who would be at my door at eight in the morning? Maybe it was Austin, the back of my mind teased, but it can't be.

Shaking away the thought, I turned the cold metal sideways and then she was standing before me.

She looked at my figure up and down probably taking in my exhausted and messy expression before slowly, a smiled crept upon her lips. "Hey" She awkwardly said.

I scowled not understanding what was happening, was this a set up or something?

"Hi"

"Listen," She began "I know you're not the biggest fan of mine right now but wouldn't be nice to do something, like old times?"

"Why are you being so nice?"

"What?"

"You heard me," I pressed "Why are you being so nice?" She just stood there dumbfounded by my words but I wasn't letting this go. She can't be against me than the next day with me, it doesn't work that way.

"I- I don't know."

"So you're telling me you want to do something?" Emma nodded her head "Like what?"

"Um, we can go to the beach."

I shook my head "I rather not." I didn't want to go and dwell on the memories that were held at that place, not today.

"Okay well," She thought shifting her eyes to the ground "We're all going over to Sarah's tonight so you're more than welcome to join us I mean, you're still part of our family, Madison."

"Really? Am I really? After you guys were up my ass for days on end and basically pushed me aside for living my life, I'm still part of your so called 'family'?"

"I'm sorry okay? It was a huge mistake and none of us should've ever done those things to you. It was all wrong."

My body tensed up not wanting to hear her bullshit any longer "Whatever, I'll think about it." And with that, I closed the door shut and let out yet another sigh.

Maybe she just wanted to start from fresh but it wasn't going to work. I couldn't forgive her for lashing out on me at the lunch table that précised day at school. When she was supposed to have my back, she did the exact opposite and that, turned me off. It isn't much actually but when you've been best friends with a person for that long, everything changes and it does mean a lot.

I was going to give it some thought though. Maybe going out wouldn't be that bad; it would make me take my mind off of things and that's exactly what I needed.

Making my way back up the stairs, I went back into my room and crashed myself onto the bed that again, held so many memories. It wasn't just Austin's bed but it was mine too. Everything somehow related to him and I hated that. I washed the sheets so many times and still, I could smell him. His scent was constantly engulfing me every time I would step foot into those covers and even sometimes, it would suffocate me.

It hurt. It hurt so much that I'm the one who let go.

I honestly couldn't get myself to do anything else; I was stuck.

And by the looks of it, today was a very nice day to be out. The sun was shining full on force while the birds were chirping. But where was I? Depressing with my head buried deep into the pillow. I had no motivation what so ever and I knew that I needed to get myself back up because all I was doing was going down: deeper and deeper into that already mentioned whole.

First and far most, I needed to get ready and I'm not just talking about a pair of joggers and a hoodie but jeans and a half descent shirt to go along with it. Also, I needed to do my hair and apply some makeup to try and hide the fatigue because it was literally the only way I could think of besides sleeping but that wasn't much of an option considering I didn't do much of that.

So dragging my sorry butt out of bed, I began making my way to the shower where things would hopefully go better if you get what I'm saying.

* * *

About an hour and a half later, I was done. My hair was curled to perfection and my makeup was applied making me look awake. My eyes though, they were gray as usual. Ever since Austin had told me about them changing colour, I've always wondered what they looked like. I would look at myself in the mirror and try to imagine them another colour or simply just another shade of gray but I couldn't. My eyes were just so very-dull. They had nothing to them and that twinkle I would often see, it wasn't there anymore.

Whenever I would smile, everything looked happy except for my eyes. It was very confusing actually but I understood, it made perfect sense to me.

Now for my outfit, I had a pair of faded jeans on with a peach almost light pink tank top considering it was kind of hot outside. And for the shoes, I was probably going to slip on a pair of flip flops or something, nothing complicated.

I slowly went down stairs with my phone securely held in between my right hand just expecting for my mom appear any second. She had probably just woken up not too long ago.

As the light from the window partially blinded my sight, I managed to sit upon one of the many stools that sat in front of the island. Once I was properly sat, I went onto my phone and simply browsed though many of the applications I had.

Curiosity suddenly took over and I couldn't resist but to go onto Twitter. I wanted to see what he was tweeting out and although I knew how much I shouldn't be doing this, I still went.

I quickly typed in his name in the Google search bar knowing it by heart and the results came up instantly. My thumb floated over the link debating on whether I should go through with it or not; my mind telling me two different things. The urge eating at my insides got the best of me and before I knew it, I was scrolling through his tweets reading every single one of them. Most of them were him replying to his fans but the others, it was him talking.

"Don't think about what other people think. Remember what u deserve, who u want to be, and what u have to do in order to be that person."

"They say: "U don't know what u have until it's gone". The truth: "U knew exactly what u had, u just never thought u would lose it.""

"The only reason why you won't let go of the person who makes your life so miserable is because at one point they made you smile."

"The best kind of kiss is when you have to stop because you can't help but smile."

"The best feeling is when I look over at you and you are already looking at me."

"Just because I don't talk to you, doesn't mean I still don't think about you. I'm just distancing myself because I know I can't have you."

"Maybe I am over you. Maybe I moved on. Maybe I found someone else. Maybe I am a good liar..."

Quote after quote after quote, they wouldn't stop. That's all he was tweeting out. I knew he was talking about me and even though I sounded way too sure of myself, I knew it was all me. It was impossible that it'd be about someone else because it had only been a week, that was too soon and from what he had told me the last time we saw each other, there was no hiding the fact that he had something going on as well.

Shutting my eyes, I clicked the lock button to my phone not wanting to look at it any longer. Twitter was probably the only source of direct information from himself that I could get because he was the one tweeting it out. It wasn't like Robert telling me what he had said, it was way more direct than that.

I let out sigh not knowing what to do with my life. I should probably eat but I'm not hungry and obviously, I can't force food down my throat.

So I ended up just sitting there for hours not doing anything in particular. My mom went by a couple times asking me questions, asking how I was doing but even she didn't know. I hadn't told her anything. As a matter of fact, she's never even met Austin and I know that that sounds really bad but I guess it just never came up. I mean, she probably has seen him around before but properly introduced, nah.

I figured that I absolutely had to do something with myself so gathering up all the energy I could, I grabbed some money and exited my house.

I walked all the way down to where the main area was with all the stores I loved including my favourite: Starbucks. I hadn't been in a while. I remember last time I was here but again, I wasn't going to think about it.

Opening up the front door, I walked over to the line where a bunch of other people were standing. I stared at the board trying to figure out what to order.

So many choices, I thought.

Giving up on trying something new, I decided on taking the usual: Caramel Frappucino. After my drink was ordered and I was now firmly holding onto it in between my hands, I took a seat at an empty table in one of the store's corners. Truthfully, I didn't want to be bothered with anybody and I knew that I possibly couldn't avoid it considering I was in the public eye but I needed to get out of the house.

That first sip that traveled all the way down my throat felt incredible, maybe it was exactly what I needed to get me back on track. It was cold, sweet, creamy, but most of all soothing.

The seat in front of me was void for the longest time but it didn't take long before an oddly familiar figure took it, sitting right in front of me. I didn't look up as my attention was still focused on my phone that I had previously been on for the past forty minutes or so.

Yes, I had been in Starbucks for almost an hour.

"Madies" The voice spoke making me shoot my eyes up instantly to the nickname I was giving by only one person. I hadn't heard it in forever and right now, all I wanted to do was run away. I didn't want to be in this place. I would rather want to be stuck around Cameron than the douche bag sitting only a couple feet away from me.

Anger flooded almost immediately along with confusion; that would literally be the best two words to describe how I felt.

"Long time no see!" He chirped as if we were friends; as if we were the best buddies on earth. I just glared at him returning my attention to my phone to try and get the message through but obviously, that wasn't working. "Still as feisty as before, I like that."

"Go the fuck away." I spat in discontentment to the situation unfolding before my own eyes.

"No can do baby." I scoffed in disgust that he would even dare to use such words around my presence. He knew it was over but for some reason, he was trying. He was trying after how long now? Four months? It's pathetic. "Listen, I heard that you're going through a rough breakup and I just thought that if you ever needed anything that you could come and see me. I'm always available."

I laughed not being able to keep it all in "Wow. Are you delusional or something? Did somebody slip something in that coffee of yours? Or have you just lost your God damn mind?"

"I'm just trying to help."

"Help?" I gushed "Colt, you've been everything but help. Do you even remember what you did to me?"

"But that was the past. Can't you let it go?"

"No! No I can't fucking let it go. You hurt me in so many ways that I couldn't even begin to describe how bad it was. Torture would almost be a better word and why the hell are you coming back to me now? After all this time that you ignored me and pretended as if we never knew each other while in reality, we went out for almost a year, almost one full year, Colt! Don't try to tell me that it's nothing because it isn't. And the worst part in all of this? You never even bothered apologizing. You never bothered telling me the reason as to why you were screwing other people behind my back. Was I a toy or something? Because I swear that if I knew that back then," I stopped and shook my head "I would have never gave myself up the way I did but guess what? That was a big mistake on my part now wasn't." He sat there a look of gawk on his face not saying a single word.

Way to shut him up Madies, the voice in my head mocked.

"Now what exactly do you want from me?" I questioned slightly tilting my head to the side.

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I said I'm sorry."

"Really? Colt Avery is telling me that he's sorry? Now that's news." I scoffed "Look, no matter what you say or do it won't change anything so I suggest you leave me alone. No actually, I'm leaving you alone because I can't stay here anymore. Thanks for ruining my day even more so. It was really nice and considerate of you." I flashed him a smile before barging out the front door.

If things couldn't get any worst, I just spoke to him for the first time in forever. The fact the he came up to me I didn't like one bit. It's like if all of a sudden he thinks I can forget about everything that's happened but I can't.

I walked through the streets, my blood boiling with anger to what had just happened. I needed to cool off. Everything was going wrong today even if I made an attempt to fix it, it wouldn't cut it.

I needed a stress reliever.

The night sky started to make its way over my head the more I walked. The day was practically coming to an end and still, I hadn't done anything productive with myself.

It was about eight thirty or so and my feet were automatically taking me to Sarah's. I wanted to go there so badly and be with my friends but that's the thing, I didn't have any. I felt as if they all betrayed me and maybe it was only in my head but I couldn't keep the thought away. It was eating me alive and I knew that if I would step foot into that house that the tension would rise. Even though Emma said that I was still part of the "family", I knew I wasn't all that much anymore.

Before I knew it, her house was standing in front of me. I stood there myself a minute or so just looking at it, imagining everyone having fun until all of a sudden, the devil walks inside and everything stops in a blink of an eye.

I climbed the stairs and right when I was going to knock, I stopped. I couldn't get myself to do it, something was pushing me away.

My eyes got blurry very quickly while I swallowed the lump that had formed itself in the back of my throat. This wasn't a god idea. Going with gut feeling was my best option so by that, I made my way back down the stairs and started walking back into the dark streets not really caring about anything.

Luckily for me though, I had brought my earphones so plugging them in, I put my phone on shuffle and started listening to whatever was playing.

Everything around me stared to relax as I let the music take over my mood. It always worked though, always.

"You know I'd fall apart without you, I don't know how you do what you do. Cause everything that don't make sense about me, makes sense when I'm with you. Like everything that's green girl I need you, but it's more than one and one makes two. Put aside the math and the logic of it, you gotta know you're wanted too. Cause I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips I wanna make you feel wanted. I wanna call you mine, wanna hold your hand forever and never let you forget it. Yeah I wanna make you feel wanted."

I don't know why but that song got to me, my cheeks were wet and the song kept playing without a clue of what it was doing to me; taking away all the last of the strength I had within me. I was falling apart right in the middle of the street. I felt like the biggest depressive person on earth and I couldn't take being stuck in this whole that just sucked me in even more so every day that went by.

It was so stupid how I got attached to this person in such a short period of time. It was more than stupid, actually. I hated everything.

I am the biggest jerk alive.

Then, I was walking down my street but to my dismay, I had to walk by his house since I had come by the opposite way. The closer I got, the more my anxiety grew and my stress level had hit an all time high.

I looked directly in front of me trying to avoid the sight of the house and it's then when a figure started walking in my direction. A figure I could never forget.