Smart Girl

07.15.17

or when the petty bitching you do becomes the hate they give.

i posted a ranty post on my spam instagram account. an innocent deed, given i just needed to get it out. i suppose even pettiness is taken too seriously now.

just venting about how one of my favorite musicals had become a clique thing and it was just annoying that everybody was taking it as their own and never shutting up about it. that's all i did.

but then they saw, the trifecta of black gays in theater.

and boy, were they mad.

took screenshots of every word i said, trying bringing me into a groupchat so they could "put me in my lane."

told me i shouldn't start drama even though that is all they do.

told me that they've never wronged me. did i even really wrong them? i said i was being petty and was being sarcastic.

all three blocked me because they "don't need to be surrounded by negative people."

after reading everything they wrote, i wondered how negative they're being toward me. shouting, telling me off for speaking my mind, drawing lines between things where lines don't make sense, hating me for venting.

i kept telling them that i vent for my own mental sanity because the bottles i keep my thoughts in can only break and shatter and pierce me until i bleed out.

they didn't listen.

the depression feelings that had been reinstated in my brain that day only grew worse from the hate.

it was the first time i had really considered killing myself in a long time.