07.28.17

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or when anxiety swells into a balloon

and carries you away to working on flash cards for a second semester class. your hands ache to do something other than watch old videos with blank expressions.

when mom said to stop doing it because i need to "be more chill," i finished the last few and started the vlogbrothers binge.

but then my brain started working me into anxiety exhaustion.

i pulled out my laptop and started writing and did not stop until i was forced to play a game with my family.

as the game finished, first i was accused of cheating, and then my sister kept trying to give me a hug.

there are days when i crave human contact. there are days when i loathe it. the latter was true today.

i told her to stop stop stop but she refused. it took our parents telling her that forcing yourself onto someone else is a crime for her to quit.

shaken from the inexplicable bruises that come from conflicting emotions of love and hate and confusion, i returned to my room to write.

i didn't stop for hours.

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