Smart Girl

09.06.17

or when you don't know where the bravery came from, but it's amazing.

it's not that i liked him. i literally only wanted to ask him to come with my group to homecoming.

he was about to buy a ticket from me, the c-lunch seller. normally when i'm sitting and someone else is standing, i feel trapped and helpless.

i asked if he wanted to come with us. my elbow was propped up on the table, but my hand didn't tremble as i asked.

i didn't collapse from anxiety when he said in a supposed jovial tone that he'd get back to me on that. the only real symptom i felt was the pounding of the bird in my chest, its wings beating against my rib cage, demanding to be let loose.

i turned to my friend once he was gone.

"i... handled that pretty well?"

she nodded, he mouth full of burrito.

"like, my nervousness mostly disappeared? and that never happens?"

i was astonished with myself. maybe it had to do with being comfortable selling the tickets, or the boisterous environment, or the fact that this friend wouldn't hurt a fly with anything but sarcasm and a good laugh.

but now i'm anxious in a positive way to hear what he has to say, hence why i write this at 05:54.