say something | l.s.

- Chapter 33 // Louis' letter -

[an:/] So here's the thing. I was bored and started to write and the result was this, i wasn't expecting to do a thing like this, neither posting it because i don't know how to feel about this thing, i think it's crap but i thought about sharing with you guys and this letter is actually important to the story for what it seems.

I'll start the next chapter and try to post this week and i just want to say I'M SORRY FOR THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER. A lot of you cried. You cried? Well i think that's good since i passed to you what i wanted then. oops sorry! 

Song: 

The Mess I Made - Parachute 

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I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. But it was the little few ones that happened that made me who I am today. I don’t see myself as a cruel person but I wished I could see myself as a nice and caring one. Because I know, yeah I know that I could be better, I could treat others nicer and think about them more often. Sometimes I wish I could make people smile without even saying a word, the only reason for them to do it would be just myself. The fact that I’m there next to them would be enough.

Fuck. I had that. Two week ago I fucking had that person. But I chose to left him because I’m selfish and an asshole. Slowly, I was pushing myself away. Slowly, I was hurting him. Slowly, I was making the biggest mistake I could ever thought about doing.

“I want my Louis back.”

It was my choice not giving him back. I was his and I didn’t even realise it because I kept telling myself that I didn’t belong to anyone, especially to him. I don’t know what was wrong with me. Maybe I was too attached to my past, to my old life and to my thoughts that I forgot that it was all right. All of that was all right, accepting his love and giving mine was all right. And it was simple, why don’t I keep with the simple things? I could be happy right now, I could be making him happy right now, but instead I’m laid down on a bed depressing.

That’s selfish. That’s selfish because, once again, it was my choice, I deserve it. Why am I even feeling this way then? Fuck, yeah I have the answer for that. This time I have it and I won’t deny it. Not anymore. But it’s too late.

I love you is such a nice word, especially when the feeling is real, deep and directed to someone that you want to keep forever. But not your friend nor a member of your family, it’s someone that you chose, the person who, in that moment, is the one you want to be with, you want to take care of, you want him to feel the same towards you and maybe, if everything goes all right then is the one you later on want to spend the rest of your life. It’s amazing how our heart… no, ourselves, our head, how our body reacts that way to a person between billions and makes that click and chooses to treat him differently, because he’s special. I’d like to know how the human being can do it, build this feeling so well known as love.

Maybe is why I was so confused. I just can’t understand that. I already liked so many people, I had boyfriends, I already exposed myself to a couple of people to… basically I already fucked but yeah that was all, I didn’t make love. I never loved someone, I just liked. There is a different, isn’t it? I feel like there is. I feel it now. So why? Why did I have to do that to him? It was so nice to hear him saying that he loved me. The second times was as good as the first one.

I hate myself, I’m struggling with my head, with all of me because what I did… damn what I did was so wrong… and I’m so deeply regretted. I wanted to have a firm explanation for that but I don’t. I don’t think that fear and confusion is what I can say to explain it. The fact that he is who he is, that he feels that way towards me is so… so enormous that I don’t know how to handle and act with that knowledge. It’s such a massive responsibility that I didn’t see myself taking it.