anonymity was never an option

48: castiel

Cas was the kind of kid who always wanted to know how the world worked.

He was the one who asked why the grass was green, and why birds could fly, and where babies came from. His curiosity never stopped. Until he realized its limits.

Castiel would chase Balthazar around and wonder why he was faster. He would ask him questions and wonder why every time Balthazar went to answer, the way he spoke sounded different than Castiel. He wondered why after every year that passed, Balthazar would still remain taller than him, and why he was always skinnier than him.

He never got the answers.

Now Castiel sat in the mud next to the creek and wondered why he had to be the one to die. Why it had to be him, and not some other kid at the park that day. Why Castiel had to lose the only friend he had. And why it had to be his fault.

——————————————————————

"Balthazar slow down!" Castiel laughed as he chased him through the woods.

"Now why would I do that?" He called back as they whipped between the trees, making their way to the bridge.

"Ughhh..."

Cas wore a smile on his face as he caught up to Balthazar, crossing the start of the bridge at the same time as he did.

"You know, one day you're going to accept the fact that I'm faster than you." He teased, hitting Castiel's shoulder.

"One day, you're going to accept the fact that I'm stronger than you." Cas replied back, hitting his shoulder with twice as much force.

"Yeah right!" Balthazar hit his shoulder back harder.

"You wanna bet?!" Cas said shoving him forward, causing him to stumble off the end of the bridge.

"Oh it's on." He laughed grabbing ahold of Castiel's shoulders and pulling him off the bridge with him.

They pulled at each other's shoulders, until both of them were stumbling down the dirt hill beside the bridge. Cas was being pushed backwards, and ended up tripping on a tree branch, causing him to fall down the hill, dragging Balthazar down on top of him.

"I win." Balthazar smiled as he looked down at Cas.

"It's not over yet." Castiel said using his legs to flip Balthazar over into the mud.

"You think you have a chance that's why it's funny." Balthazar laughed as he pushed Cas off of him.

Castiel quickly stood up, keeping his hands in front of him as Balthazar began to work his way off the ground.

"Castiel you're covered in mud." He said reaching a hand towards his arm.

"So are you." Cas replied with a smirk.

"Yeah but you will be more." Balthazar said raising his voice towards the end, launching towards Cas's shoulders again.

Castiel dodged him and slid to the side as Balthazar turned around frustrated.

Balthazar ran at him again, and this time Castiel stood still, ready to take the hit. He held his hands to his sides and just as Balthazar was getting closer, he brought his hands up to his arms and threw him to the side with all the force he could muster, sending the taller one right into the water.

Cas held a smirk on his face as he heard the splash of the creek. He waited for Balthazar to shake his head out of the water and say something along the lines of  "you bastard, you got me wet!" but instead he was met with silence as the splashing died down.

He stepped towards the water, watching Balthazar closely as his feet were met with a cold rush.

"Balthazar?" He laughed as he got farther into the water. "Get up. I won. Just face it."

It wasn't until Castiel had reached his side that he noticed the blood circling the water above his head.

"Balthazar?" Cas said kneeling down into the water and pulling his head up out of the current.

"Hey! Wake up." He said patting his chest, as he held his head in his hands.

He shifted his head to his other hand, and as he did, the hand he pulled away was covered in blood.

"No, no, no." Castiel said, his heart beat racing as he pulled his body up on to his lap. "No, no, please! Balthazar get up!"

"Shit. Shit. Shit." He said shaking as the freezing current ran past both of their bodies.

"Gabriel?! Gabriel!" He screamed as loud as he could into the trees, hoping that just this once his brother would've followed them to the park.

"No, no, no." He mumbled to himself as he lifted his free hand up to his neck to check for a pulse.

Castiel was shaking. His nerves, the water, and the never ending fret that was confirmed by the lack of a heartbeat against his fingers.

"No, no, no. I'm sorry. You win. I promise... just... just wake up right now!"

"Damnit Balthazar wake up!" Castiel pushed the wet hair out of his face, showing the lifelessness that haunted his expressions.

"Gabriel please!" He yelled once more.

Off in the distance, he heard leaves crunching. He prayed it was his brother. Castiel closed his eyes and tilted his head back towards the sky.

"I'm sorry." He whispered to no one.

"Castiel?" He heard a familiar voice calling, causing him to open his eyes again.

He looked over towards the dirt hill, to see Gabriel approaching the bridge.

"Gabe help me!"

"What did you do?!" Gabriel muttered, spotting Balthazar and Castiel in the water.

His brother stumbled down the dirt hill as fast as he could. Castiel winced as Gabriel ran into the water, splashing everything as he rushed to their side.

"What happened Cas?!" Gabriel yelled, leaning down on the other side of Balthazar.

"I... I..."

"Explain later! Help me get him out of the water." Gabe said lifting his legs and shoulders. "Now!"

Castiel followed his instructions blindly, not really paying attention, just getting the body in his arms on to the shore.

They eased him down carefully as Gabriel rushed around checking for a pulse, and panicking.

"Hold his head up." He ordered as he continued to inspect the body.

"Castiel hold his head!" He said snapping at his little brother.

"I'm sorry." Cas whispered again, taking ahold of his friends lifeless body.

Gabriel checked his arm, and then his neck, and then even rested his head on his chest. Nothing.

"He's dead Gabe."

"Castiel stop it!" He said pulling his phone out of his jacket. "I'm calling 911 he's going to be fine."

"He's dead." Cas muttered again, this time letting it sink in as a tear fell down his face, and on to Balthazar's.

He took ahold of his best friends hand, and held it in his own as he continued to cry, without saying another word.

Gabriel walked away, talking to an operator on the phone, clearly reiterating the obvious. Castiel struggled to breathe, as the tears kept falling down.

He used the hand that he had enlocked with Balthazar's to wipe the tears from his face.

"I'm so so sorry." He whispered under his breath once more, letting his heart break under the guilt.

"Please... please get up."