anonymity was never an option

90: castiel

author's note: for the sake of this novel, Lucifer is not related to the Novak's. just thought I'd put that out there because there's something coming up. I didn't have the heart or mental creativity to re write this arc, so I'm just leaving it in and I don't want anyone saying anything about the whole family thing because I'm not writing them as family. sorry if this bothers you. please don't go off on me I don't really have the effort to fix it all. some of you will like it some of you won't and I'm okay with that :)

continue.

Castiel watched as Dean walked into the bathroom to take a shower. He wished he could join him, a shower seemed really nice after everything that had happened today, but also this time alone would give him a second to just... relax.

He fell back into the bed and stared at the ceiling and all the random paint swirl patterns it contained. Taking a deep breath, he listened to the water turn on and focused on the sound of Dean humming what sounded like Eye of the Tiger. It made Cas smile as he closed his eyes. He folded his hands over his chest and just... breathed.

Which led to being lost in thought.

And before he knew it, he was thinking about his brother.

Then he felt the tears slip down his face.

Ironically enough, Castiel hadn't cried at all yet today. He was eerily at peace with the whole situation. If anything, more mad than sad. But now... sitting here alone in the quiet. He felt it more than ever.

He also felt something else.

Like literally, he could feel it in his shirt pocket.

The envelope.

He wiped away the tears on his face and sat up on the bed.

Taking out the envelope from his pocket, he flipped it over in his hands and ripped open the back less than elegantly. Inside was a piece of paper labeled 'watch me,' in which a flash drive sat in front. He pulled out the black flash drive and flipped it over in his palm. The initials MN were written on the front in faded silver sharpie.

Cas shifted himself over to the side of the bed and grabbed his laptop off of the side table. He flipped it open and quickly typed in his password before sliding the flash drive into the side and waiting for the little notification on the bottom of his screen to light up. When it did, his files opened and exposed the flash drive's contents. A single video file labeled 'I'm sorry.'

Castiel double clicked on it, mildly concerned to what his perfect brother would ever have to apologize for, but as a still of his face came on the screen, Cas pressed play.

"This video is only meant to be seen by my little brother Castiel, and in the case that you're not him, please stop now... I mean it."

He paused and looked down at the screen for a second before continuing.

"The date is May 13th 2016, so by the time you watch this I'm assuming it will be long after that. Actually I'm hoping... it will be long after that. I never really wanted you to see this video, so on the off chance that you're actually watching this, I'm sorry."

He rubbed his hands over his face and then leaned back into the office chair he was sitting in. Cas knew this was his dorm. He had been in it a few times when he was applying to college here. All the Novak kids had gone here, it was family tradition... they all basically had a free ride at this point from alumni scholarships.

"Alright look Cassie... I did something I regret. I fucked up big time. And I can't tell anyone else, because no one else will understand."

He leaned back over in his chair and fidgeted with something on his desk.

"I slept with someone. Well I mean that's not the worse part... I slept with a guy. And... and it wasn't only once... it was multiple times... and I didn't even want to stop."

Castiel felt something inside him shift. His brothers voice quivered off and Cas knew exactly what he was feeling. It was how he first reacted when he started crushing on his best friend in 6th grade. It was heartbreaking. Michael was scared, and he turned to Cas for help... except he didn't. He didn't really. He turned to a recording designed for his little brother, that he still hoped he would never see.

"I need to get it off my chest... I need to tell you, but I don't have the courage to tell you in person because I'm a coward, so I hope this helps me the way I'm hoping it will. You are so courageous Castiel, so amazingly brave, and I'm so proud of you. But I... I can't be. I'm the oldest... I'm not allowed to screw up that perfect image mom wants us to keep. I'm not allowed to do this. I have to lead by example... and this is not what I had planned."

He started shaking his head.

"Mom would kill me if she ever found out so please, please, don't show them this. Any of them. Please."

His voice broke. Michael dropped his head and took a deep breath.

"This is where the story starts... I've only got a few minutes before I have to go to class, so I'll make it as short as I can."

He closed his eyes.

"His name is Lucifer. I know it's pretty fucked up, but apparently his dad hated him even from birth and literally thought he was Satan, so thats where he ended up."

He smiled as he spoke, he was almost laughing as he talked about the idiot.

But Castiel just sat with his mouth open in shock.

Lucifer?!

What in the ever loving hell did Michael see in Lucifer?!

"This year I'm a senior obviously, but he... he is a freshman so what's embarrassing is... you might even run in to him while you're here. And I hope for your own sake... you don't."

"He's easy to fall for. He's charismatic and energetic, but he's also a party animal and I pray to god you never end up on the wrong side of his parties. It was dangerous Castiel... but I did."

He took a deep breath.

"And it's gonna bite me in the ass now."

He tapped a pencil against the side of his head.

"I need to get away from here. I think I'm falling for him, but I can't... I can't... you understand right? I need to find some girl and make mom happy right? Right... I'm thinking of going to Texas this summer. Get my mind out of the gutter."

Castiel remembered this summer. Michael was acting so weird. He remembered vividly how abruptly he decided to go to Austin "to go see some friends" and he barely ever called Cas either. It made sense now. He was just avoiding his feelings.

"Now listen, I don't think all hope is lost. I've got a lot to figure out but... I mean I still like girls I think. I don't know if that's a thing, I don't really understand it. I'm so confused Castiel."

He dropped his hands into his lap.

"I'm so confused."

He shook his head.

"God help me."

Castiel faintly heard someone yelling out Michael's name from somewhere else in the video. His brothers attention quickly shifted back to the screen and then he sat back up in his chair.

"I gotta go." He took a deep breath. "Love you Cassie."

And then he watched Michael close his laptop and the screen went black.