anonymity was never an option

99: dean

They sat in silence as they drove through town.

The only other time Dean had ever done this to someone, was when he took Sam home from detention for the first time back in middle school. He finally hit that other kid back... but as the recess monitors were walking by. Dean never advocated for not using self defense, but Sam should've at least looked around first to make sure he wouldn't look like the bully instead.

He prayed Cas would talk first. Maybe because he didn't know what to say. Maybe because if he opened his mouth he didn't know what would come out at this point. So he decided to keep his mouth shut.

10:49 pm.

That's what time the numbers on his phone read as they illuminated with a new text message. Probably from Castiel's stupid ass brother. Dean internally sighed.

It didn't even reach 11 before they left. That had to have set a new record for Dean.

He was a little disappointed. He didn't even get to say hi to half the people he wanted to before they left.

And they left Gabriel.

Dean hadn't even thought about that in the moment they'd left. He'd have to text him back when they got home.

His green eyes stared out at the road, taking in what little he could find interesting as they passed by what Dean knew to be City Hall. Everything was black. In this small little town, there wasn't really anyone ever out past 10:30, so it was dark, unlit and underpopulated.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean watched Cas shivering from the cold water that still drenched his clothes. Dean wanted to be pissed at that fact alone so badly—that his car was getting wet because Cas fell in the damn pool—but he couldn't, there was no other option. And it's also not like he can yell at him for being cold without sounding like a complete asshat.

"Dean?" Castiel mumbled looking over towards him.

"What, Cas?" He said, sounding slightly more agitated than he meant to.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

Dean closed his eyes for a second, hoping maybe he could tone himself down a little. He didn't want to get mad, he really didn't. It was just so hard not to.

"Listen I know you're mad but..."

"I'm not mad, Cas." Dean took a deep breath. "Just... what the hell were you thinking? You just picked a fight with Lucifer... Lucifer. And if you think that everyone at that damn party wasn't watching, you're wrong."

"I don't care who was watching. I had to. I don't know why, but I just couldn't keep letting all that anger boil up inside me." He sighed.

"That's just not how... I mean I get it... I really do. I used to be bad about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was notorious for picking a fight with everyone who had ever done me wrong... Sam had to hold me back sometimes. I got kicked out of a few schools... pissed my dad off... got the shit beat out of me... rinse and repeat."

"What changed?"

"One night I was at a football game and a dude from the opposite team kept making fun of Lisa and her boyfriend, who I embarrassingly enough had a crush on at the time."

Castiel laughed a little as he looked out the window.

"I know what that's like."

Dean shook his head and tried not to smile.

"Yeah well... after the game, when everybody was heading out, he started talking trash again. I got so mad I threw him against the fence and I beat the shit out of him. Repeatedly. Until I knocked him unconscious."

Deans smile had faded as this point as he remembered the guilt he felt that night.

"I ran. And once I got home I didn't talk to anyone. I went straight to bed and I didn't even budge when my father started yelling at me for coming home late. On Monday, when I went to school, I found out one of his teammates found him and he went to the hospital. Two broken ribs, a concussion and I shattered his nose. He didn't get to play for the rest of the season, and he lost his scholarship. I felt awful. No one ever knew it was me... not even Sam. I promised myself after that, I'd never let my anger get the best of me again."

Cas just sat there silently. Dean wondered if maybe he had scared him. He hoped he hadn't, that was the last thing he needed.

"The point is..." Dean started again. "I know you're angry Cas... but you can't take it out on other people."

"Then what am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know. Everyone's different."

"What did you do?"

Dean sat there for a minute thinking about how to word what he was about to say next. He didn't really do anything about it, but he couldn't just discourage him like that.

All Dean ever did was throw his anger at his dad every time he laid a finger on Sam. He stopped fighting classmates and started fighting his father. Not exactly the best of advice to give.

"I spent more time with Sam."

"Yeah sorry Dean, I don't really have a brother like that." Castiel looked down. "At least not anymore."

"Hey." Dean put a hand on his boyfriend's arm. "You have me... You have Gabriel. And although he is a literal pain in the ass, he will be there for you if you need him to be. And so will I."

"You say that like it's a promise."

"It is."

"How can you promise that one day you won't just get tired of my bullshit and finally be done with me? How can you promise that Gabriel actually cares about me? Maybe he'll just turn his back on me like the rest of the Novak's tend to do."

Dean sat there, taking a deep breath, knowing he couldn't make any promises as much as he wanted to.

Promises had a tendency to bite Dean in the ass.

"I can't." He sighed.

Castiel shuffled in his seat. Dean could practically feel how heavy the coat was as Cas flopped the sleeves down in his lap.

"Listen Cas... I can't promise you that everything will turn out like we'd like it to... but I can promise you, I will do everything I can to be here for you, right now, in this moment. I can't predict the future, I can't guarantee the pain will go away, but if you need someone... talk to me. Please... Cas. It will eat you up inside if you don't."

"I know." The sloppy mess in the seat next to him whispered.

"You are not alone, Castiel Novak."

Dean looked over to his boyfriend, in hopes of maybe reaching through to him. Instead the blue eyes he met, darted away almost as soon as he saw them, looking out into the road avoiding conversation.

"You will never be alone."