anonymity was never an option

54: dean

"Hey Dean. What's wrong?"

"Sammy... I messed up." Dean said rubbing his hand over on his face slowly.

On the other end of the line, Dean could hear his brother's exhausted sigh. He didn't expect his brother to actually sound calm when he answered him back.

"Alright... What happened?"

"It's Cas."

"Damnit Dean did he break up with you?"

"What? No. No... I... hold up. How can he break up with me? We aren't even dating yet."

"Sorry I just kinda assumed. My bad... Continue."

"I might've accidentally brought up his ex-not-boyfriend... he got really bad Sam, like you didn't see him, he straight up fell apart. I asked him about it out of curiosity because it was just kinda how the conversation was going... and... I just... Gabriel never told me he was dead... I just... I fucked up really bad this time. I don't know if he's okay."

Dean sat down on the couch, trying to force the weight off his shoulders as he leaned his elbows onto his legs. He held his face in one hand and the phone in the other, as he closed his eyes trying to process what he needed to say.

"Dean... that's crossing a line."

"I know okay. I know. It was an accident. I had no idea." He whispered exhaling. "One minute he was fine then the next, I was chasing him down in the woods with Gabriel, trying to pull him out of a river."

"What?"

"This friend of his, Balthazar I think, he... he died there. They were playing one day and I think he fell, I don't really know, Cas never told Gabe about it, all I know is the kid died in the river and Cas got really depressed about it and he thinks it's his fault... he ran there and he... he was losing it... I didn't know what to do."

"Oh my god Dean. Is he okay now?"

"Yeah. Yeah. He's with me. He's asleep right now."

"The best thing I can say is just be there for him. He may want to push you away, but don't let him. Trust me, Jess did the same thing after her father died."

"I just feel bad you know? Like I don't deserve him if all I'm going to do is hurt him like this. Maybe he's better off with Gabriel, and Gabe is a piece of shit."

"There's no way you could've known. He'll forgive you. Just be there."

"There's no place I'd rather be."

"Sounds a lot like you love him."

"Whatever."

"I knew you'd find one." Dean listened to Sam's gentle laughter through the phone.

"Oh shut up." Dean laughed back as he ran a hand through his hair, letting a smile briefly cross his face.

"Dean?" He heard a small voice say that he knew didn't belong to Sam.

Across the room, Castiel stood in the doorway in nothing but Dean's sweatpants. Dean glanced up at him and then quickly got up from the couch.

"Hey Sammy I gotta go. Talk to you later." And without even hearing Sam's response he hung up the phone and threw it down on the table.

"Hey Cas. How you feeling?" He said making his way across the room.

"Fine why?"

"I... um... well... you..." Dean muttered, trying to remember what Gabriel said about not bringing it back up.

"I know Dean. I remember." Castiel said looking down at the floor.

"Cas I am so so sorry." He whispered back, stopping in front of Castiel.

"It's fine Dean. Don't feel bad. You should've never seen me that way..."

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"I'm sorry."

"But I will be... when you stop apologizing." A small smile crept on his face.

"Let me make it up to you. Please." Dean said grabbing one of Castiel's hands and bringing it up to his chest.

"You don't owe me anything."

"No but I feel awful... so so awful. I need to fix this."

"Okay." Cas softly smiled up at him.

"Thank you." Dean whispered, staring into his captivating blue eyes.

"You can start with dinner." He smirked.

"Anywhere you want."

"...anywhere?"