anonymity was never an option

66: castiel

The weight of the world came crashing down on Castiel's shoulders as he found himself falling into his smaller brothers arms.

Gabe was kidding right?

He always was a trickster. This was all just a joke.

"Cassie..." Gabriel mumbled as he tried to push Castiel back up on to his own feet. "Hey, why don't you sit down? I'll go get you some tea."

The weight of his body was shifted out of Gabriel's hold, and onto the soft couch that he found himself collapsing into.

What if Michael was really dead?

Michael.

The one who tucked him in at night, and held him when he was sick. The one who took him out to eat, and made him tea when he was sad. The one who covered for him when he wasn't home on time, the one that was always there for him when he needed someone, anyone to pay attention. The first person on the Earth that ever gave a shit about him. It couldn't be possible.

"Is this some kind of fucking game Gabriel? It's a joke right?" Cas mumbled in an attempt to recover his sanity.

Being pissed at Gabe for faking it would be so much better than losing the only father figure he ever had.

"He was in a car accident last night... I texted you immediately after mom called me from the hospital."

"Why didn't you just tell me then? I could've gone up there last night. I could've been there." Castiel felt the first tear slip down his cheek, he closed his eyes in fear of Gabriel seeing him so weak.

"Didn't feel right. Michael was more to you than anyone, a text just felt so wrong. Trust me I tried. I typed it and retyped it and never found the right thing to say."

"Gabe my brother is dead, a fucking heads up would've been nice!" He felt his voice crack as he said the last words.

God, he was such a mess. One little thing and the walls in Castiel's head came crumbling down on top of him.

What was he going to do?

This was Michael.

He felt a buzz in his pocket, so he angrily pulled out his phone and looked at the screen. Just another pointless email from his professor reminding him about his essay deadlines. Without even hesitating, Castiel threw the phone across the room, smashing into pieces when it hit the hardwood. He looked at the little broken shards of black screen that surrounded where it lied on the floor, crying as he let it all sink in.

Gabriel didn't say a word. He just softly put down a blue mug in front of his brother and sat down on the couch beside him. Castiel watched his brother's glare shift over to his broken phone and then back to his shaking hands.

"Gabe I can't do this again. I can't do this... I can't..." He sniffled, burying his face in his hands.

"I know." Gabriel nodded, closing his eyes and placing a hand on his little brothers shoulder.

"How did he die?"

"Car accident." Gabe stated carefully, as if tip toeing around the subject to avoid Castiel falling apart.

"I know you know exactly what happened. Tell me. Did he suffer?"

"No, he died on contact. His girlfriend was driving through a stoplight when some kid in a truck ran through and smashed her little car. It was on Michaels side, the hit killed him. She's in a coma. They think the kid in the truck was probably on drugs, but we don't know, he's in critical condition."

Castiel nodded slowly. None of it seemed real. It was overwhelming how someone he FaceTimed yesterday morning was now dead.

He took a sip of the tea from the blue mug in front of him, and cursed at himself when his tongue gave the familiar sensation of being burnt.

"Shit." He set the cup back down on the table.

"Castiel. You have to wait for it to cool." He could practically hear Michael laughing at him as he choked on the heat in his mouth.

"You trying to lose taste buds?" Gabriel joked with his clearly still hoarse voice in an effort to lighten the mood.

"Fuck off." Castiel mumbled, tears still present on his face, drying ever so slowly.

"Mom said they're thinking about a funeral next weekend." Gabe nodded slowly, drinking from his own cup. "They wanted to give it some time to see if Lily would wake up."

"Doubt it."

"Castiel... I'm thinking about heading down town on Wednesday to just... you know... be there. You can come if you'd like. I'll drive I promise. And you and Dean can sleep in my room, I'll take the couch when we get there..."

Dean.

Castiel just smashed his phone.

Gabriel saw Castiel's gaze drift across the room, so he kept talking.

"Please just come with me. You need to be with us Castiel. I know you and mom don't get along but I really need you there with me."

"I don't know if bringing Dean is a good idea."

"Well I just figured you'd want to. You don't have to. I know mom would probably shit a few bricks if he stayed with us. But... I mean who cares right? You need your rock."

Castiel looked over at his brother and then back down into his cup.

Was going to see mom really a good idea?

With Dean?

But this is Michael.

Could he ever forgive himself if he didn't go?

This should be easy. Anyone would go at the drop of a hat. It's family. Family comes first. But at what risk?

Why was this so hard?