Dear daughter,
Today is one of those tough days. It's one of those days that I write about because I find writing to be therapeutic. It's one of those days that I also hate writing because I know I'm going to say something wrong.
I had to send a message to a group today, a group that was created by your best friend's mom, and consisted of her, her oldest daughter, your best friend, you and I. I'm sharing the message I wrote because I think it's a good life lesson for you, something to look back on because regardless of the outcome, this message was honest and sincere. So far, in all of my writing, I've never used names. So, I'm using the first letter of first names. You will know and remember who they were if this was a significant matter in your overall life...
In all of the years of my girls playing sports, being involved in different activities, and just in general at work, I've been taught and have tried to teach the girls the 24 hour rule. When things are getting heated or you don't know how to respond the right way, or you want to make sure you don't say something you will regret, you initiate the 24 hour rule.
Let me start by saying that I value the friendship between our families. In my opinion, God puts people in our lives when the time is right and for a purpose only He knows. That being said, you asked what K wants to happen. K has never had a female best friend. In fact, over the years, K has had very few female friends by choice. K and M became friends in the most unusual of ways in my opinion, and in all honesty, they have L to thank for that.
That brings me to L. Even though L has deeply hurt K, he was never more than her best friend. K continues to love him unconditionally. Is she currently talking to him? No. Does she wish they could talk? Some days yes, and some days no. Does she forgive him for all he has said and done? She does because that's who she is and through everything they have been through, she knows that life is too short to hate him. She's never asked anyone to quit speaking to him. When we talked, the only issue she would have is if suddenly someone who knew there story and considered themselves her friend would want to date him and not talk to her about it first. L dug his own holes with people. He said things to K about M that a best friend would possibly say when they were hurt by the person they were dating or percieved themselves to be dating. Does he owe apologies? Yes. Will he? Probably not, he's a 14 year old boy who is still very immature.
Now, the real issue at heart is A. This is the hardest for me to write about. K has known A since L introduced them in 7th grade at a rodeo. It was back before A decided to grow his hair out and L followed suit. They talked at rodeos or when L and A were texting and talking because L and K were always together. It was another year before we started going to the rodeos again because K all of a sudden had free time with a broken collar bone. Because K was always hanging out with L and L was always with A, they became “friends.” I put that in quotes because how good of friends can you be in junior high when you mainly talk just when you see each other. With cell phones and Snapchat, they did talk more, as much as you can talk over Snapchat and in group messages.
M broke up with A, while she didn't necessarily mean to break up with him, that's the way he took it and it hurt him and it hurt her. While I agreed that him ignoring her wasn’t ok, and that things being said weren't ok, it was a break up. When hearts get broken, it doesn't matter if you are the one breaking up or the one getting broken up with, it is very hurtful on both sides. K stood by M as her best friend. K talked to A, K told A her thoughts on how he reacted and how hurt M was. There are a lot of things involved in a break up between the kids. As a mom, sometimes we take the break up as hard as or harder than our kids do because we fall in love with the kids in our children's lives just as much as they do.
Last night and today, I've thought a lot about this. When B and her boyfriend of 13 months broke up the summer after their sophomore year of high school, it was devastating to both families, their friends, and them. Her friends continued to talk to him and she continued to talk to his friends. Her friends were his friends and his friends were her friends. The parents? Well, we played cards together most weekends and had to take a break for a bit because it was a very tough situation and we had to let the kids get through the break up. They did. It was somewhere between 3 and 6 months before they started to speak again. They talked through what happened to them. They decided to put the past in the past and to become friends again. Was it easy? No. Was it hard for B when her friends were talking to R still and his friends were still talking to her? Yes. But, once they started talking again and could be friends again, they were thankful that they didn't let their breakup destroy all of the friendships they had with each other's friends. Were hurtful things said and done in the break up? Yep, on both sides. But, that's part of breaking up. It's part of how kids cope and learn and grow.
With this situation, it is hard. M and K's friendship is new. K considers M to be her best friend. K wants that to continue. But, she also doesn't feel that she should have to choose between friendships. She is friends with both of them. These kids are in an elite group of kids, in an inner circle of friends that they will rely on over the next three years and beyond. I'm confident that M and A will make it through the break up stage, through the hurt they’ve inflicted on each other, and they will come back to being friends. It's not an overnight process. When I talked to B about it, she said that the one thing she still appreciates is that her best friend is still friends with her ex, C. She said that she and C can't talk because of various reasons (like their pull to each other is still very strong and they are very bad for each other) but she still gets to know what's up in his life and he still gets to know what's up in her life. They are almost 24 and 27 now and have been apart for four years. Through their mutual friends though, they are both thankful that they have them still. Now, she said if one of her close friends thought she would date him, that would be a whole different story and she would not be ok with that in any way. But, that's not the case here.
Where do we go from here? I don't know. I don't think the girls or our families friendships need to change. M is K's best friend. K considers D to be one of her best friends and more, and she looks to K like another older sister and you as a mom. I love your kids for who they are. I value the friendships that came about. I hope that they continue to be as strong as they have. I'm being as honest as I can be because that's who we are.
Take this letter, read it and remember. Where do or where will things stand when I finally give you this book to read? I'm not really sure. But, one thing is for sure. Your life will be right where it is meant to be.
Love,
Mom
