The Light in the Dark (Completed)

It's Hard

And I'm terrified,
terrified that people will leave me.
I'm terrified that one day no one will care
and no one will try to help or listen.
I'm terrified of abandonment,
and I'm afraid of disappointing people.
Because I tell myself I'm not enough for anyone,
and I'm not worthy of love or praise because I've messed up too many times,
and I don't even try to change.

And I've just stopped caring,
but at the same time I care so much about if I'm doing or saying the right thing
and whether or not people like me.
I'm constantly worried,
I constantly have this fear that nobody really likes me,
nobody really wants to be around me, they just don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me,
and I'll be all alone
and everyone will think I'm annoying and worthless.

I don't want people to think I'm annoying or stupid or ugly or rude or uncaring.
I don't want people to think I'm lazy,
I don't want people to think
I'm not
trying
when the thing is,
I am trying.
I'm trying
so
hard.

It just takes everything in me to even get out of bed some days.
It's hard to talk to people some days, even people I know,
because my chest gets tight
and I can't breathe
and I feel cold
but my palms sweat
and my hands shake
and my whole body feels like the physical embodiment of static.
It's just so hard some days,
and I wish people would understand that.

I wish people would understand
how hard it is some days
for me to stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom
without hating every inch of what I see.
I wish people would understand
that some days I hate myself so much I want to cry.
Some nights
I can't sleep because my mind's running so fast,
and I can't stop coming up with all the reasons why I hate myself.
Some days
I barely have the energy to pull myself out of bed,
let alone clean or do laundry or work or even take a shower.

It's hard.
It's so,
so
hard,
and I wish people would understand that.

They don't know
how hard it is to deal with voices in your head
that tell you you're not good enough,
you're never going to be good enough, that nobody really cares and you deserve to die
because you're just causing problems and annoying everyone.

They don't know
how hard it is to have voices in your head
that constantly points out every little thing you did wrong,
that tell you you're a failure
and you shouldn't even try anymore
because you're just going to mess up anyways.

And don't think I don't know my flaws; I know my flaws,
and I know them extremely well,
because they're pointed out to me
every single second
of every single day
by my own mind.

And I hate it so much,
but I can't seem to get out of it no matter what I do and how hard I try.
I'm just so done.

And I'm sorry if I'm complaining,
I'm sorry I don't change,
I'm sorry for being the way I am.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.