The Light in the Dark (Completed)

Terrified

I'm afraid that it'll get to the point
where I won't be excited for Christmas,
I'll see my birthday as just another day,
And I won't look forward to holiday breaks
because I know that I'll be forced to be alone with my thoughts and nothing to distract me from them.

I'm scared that everything will be gray, not even black and white,
just gray,
and no one will even notice.
I'm scared that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life,
Because I was doing so well for a while.
Ever since school started, I was feeling better, because I was distracted,
But now everything's starting to crumble beneath me and unravel at the seams
And I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I'm scared that it'll get so bad I'll start to search for a way out of it,
out of everything.
I'm scared that I'll do things I won't tell anyone about, but I'll still feel so so guilty and angry with myself.
I'm scared that I'll become so numb that I'll search for ways to feel again, bad ways.
I'm so scared.

I'm scared
because it's gotten to the point
where I start to wonder why it's even worth it,
why I should even bother or try, because it doesn't matter,
none of this matters,
because I'm eventually going to die
so what does it matter, anyways?

I'm not just scared.

I'm terrified.