The Light in the Dark (Completed)

I Hate It

And I hate it.
I hate all of it.

I hate
that I'm irritable and anxious and disorganized,
and I hate
feeling worthless and empty and like I don't matter at all.
I hate
that I'm so, so tired but I can't sleep.
I hate
that I don't want to do anything anymore.

I hate
that I push people away.
I hate
that I just say "I'm okay," and smile.
I hate
that I can't seem to talk about how I'm actually feeling,
and when I do, I talk to people that I don't even know that well.

I hate
that I'm falling apart,
I hate
that I'm trying so hard to keep everything together by loose threads,
and I hate
that I talk about it and don't even care enough to change.

I hate
that I complain,
I hate
that I cry and tell people that I'm having a bad day when it's really so much worse than "just a bad day",
and I hate
that I can never seem to be honest, not with myself or others.

I hate everything about it.

I hate
that I push all my problems down where no one can see them.
I hate
that I can't seem to deal with anything correctly.
I hate
that I don't even try.

I hate
that I hate myself,
but I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm just so exhausted and done and I just want this all to be over.

I don't want to be irritable, angry, unmotivated, sad, uncaring, selfish, and numb,
and I don't want to be feeling this much,
but I also don't want to feel nothing at all.
I don't want to be in the way.
I don't want to think that every time someone looks at me they're criticizing every single inch.
I don't want to never talk because I'm afraid of saying something wrong.
I'm don't want to be afraid of people thinking I'm weird or ugly or stupid.
I don't want people to think I don't care.

I hate
that I can't sleep because my mind keeps running and running and running and telling me why I'm a terrible person,
I'm in the way of everyone's lives,
I'm a waste of space,
and why I don't deserve to be alive anymore.

I hate everything about myself,
and I'm terrified
that other people
will hate me,
too.