anonymity was never an option

The Reason Behind the Madness

I just wanted to get something extremely personal off my chest before you guys starting reading... this is somewhat a vent, so if you have any personal triggers I would skip this unless you really want to hear my story.

Anyways...

I set out to write this story over a year ago. Maybe even two at this point.

I didn't know what it meant for me at the time, nor would I ever have been able to imagine the impact it's made on me.

When I started crafting the idea for this story, I was young, about 15, just finishing the end of season 11 of Supernatural (as that's all that was out at the time). My life was relatively good, I had awesome grades, my siblings weren't too awful annoying, I was captain of the archery team, and I had started to figure out that I was asexual.

I thought I had high school pretty much beat. All I needed to figure out from there was where I wanted to go to college!

Then my dad met a woman, and married her 4 months later.

I didn't know much about her, she would say insensitive things about me not having a boyfriend or not wanting to wear make up, and complain about how I never had the same hobbies that her daughter (who was a year younger than me) had. She often times, made comments about my mother being worthless, and how my father feared I would end up just like her. She made me feel self-conscious and suffocated, I felt like I was never free when I was around the new family that they had forced me into.

I started suffering from depression and had frequent anxiety attacks, which often lead to me crying for no reason for prolonged periods of time, and not being able to speak, even when asked very basic questions.

She took this and thought I was a child for it.  And my father believed her. He believed she had done no wrong and that I was being selfish for placing my emotions in the middle of their relationship.

I internalized everything that happened.

I never knew what to say or do without being a total fuck up.

I started working long hours, physically exhausting myself, just so I wouldn't have to go home.

I stopped going to team practices and got demoted by the coach, which just so happened to be my dad.

I found a great respect for the comforts of drowning myself in music, which led me to find EDEN and Jaymes Young.

And finally, I found peace in writing.

This story saved my life.

I was in a dark place when I started writing this, and in a way, I think I wrote Castiel to be a little too much like myself.

As I write this now, I sit in my bed, two days away from going to college, computer in my lap, and my headphones on listening to Billie Eilish.

And I am feeling so damn good.

I got kicked out of my dad's, so I figured it was time to share what has come so far of my mental health (or lack of) journey.

Thank you for sharing this with me.

The thought that some day you all would read this story and hopefully smile, or laugh, or even cry has been my motivation through it all.

So thank you, for giving me a reason to keep writing.

For giving me a reason to publish this story.

Here's to you.

Enjoy.