Crazy (a Louis Tomlinson love story)

Chapter 20

***Carson’s P.O.V.***

The room was almost completely silent. The only thing that ruined the quietness was Louis’ soft breathing. He was right beside me, and his long hair was sticking up in all different directions; I’m sure that my hair didn’t look much better. His lips were red and swollen, and a few beads of sweat still lined his forehead. There was rarely ever a moment where Louis was calm and quiet-he was sometimes one of the two, but never really both at the same time-and I was enjoying this. I’d often stay awake after he had fallen asleep just so that I could see this side of him; it was refreshing and calming. There was just something about how peaceful he looked.

I sucked in a breath of slight anticipation when his eyelids seemed to twitch, but he must have been dreaming because he didn’t wake up. Part of me knew that I should just get up right now before I risk losing my resolve. However, the other part of me wanted to see those breath taking blue eyes of his again. I scooted closer to him in the bed, and looked down at his bare chest for a moment before my gaze found his face once again. His lips were parted the slightest bit, and puff of air would be released every now and then. His scruffy facial hair lined his jaw line perfectly, and I smiled as I just thought about his scratchy kisses.

One of my hands rose up to his cheek, and I cupped it in my hand while sliding my thumb just under his eye. The action made him stir slightly, and I watched his eyebrows furrow. With a smile on my lips, I scooted even closer on the bed so that I could press my lips to his which were still parted ever so slightly. By the time I had pulled away from the short kiss, his eyes were pulling open in order to look at me through a lazy smile. “Mornin’ beautiful,” he mumbled out and I relished the complete look of love in his eyes.

“It’s not morning yet,” I told him, “I just wanted a kiss; go back to sleep, Lou.”

He nodded even though I could tell that he was fighting the urge to close his eyes. Those wonderful eyes… “Thank you,” he breathed out, just as one of his hands skimmed my bare stomach.

“For what?” I wondered, and my thumb went back to gliding across his features. It seemed to lull him back into that peaceful state, and he was fighting to stay awake even more.

“For last night,” he answered with the slightest hint of a yawn near the end of his words, “for everything.” I thought that he had fallen asleep after those words; his eyelashes were resting lightly on his cheeks, and the blue irises had been covered once more. However, his lips continued to form the three words that almost broke me, “I love you.” He had said it so many times before, and I had returned it, but tonight was different. Tonight was so different than the others. I wanted to hear it again and again until he couldn’t say it anymore. I wanted to save the way he sounded in my head so that I would never forget it; I wanted to be able to repeat the words and remember how beautiful this had been.

Then, I was left in the quiet again, and I waited for what seemed like forever before moving. Thankfully, Louis hadn’t pulled me closer to him; things were fairly easy for now. I pulled the covers away from myself and then slowly got out of the large bed. Louis’ features scrunched together for a moment, but he rolled onto his back and was soon back to normal. Carefully and quietly, I picked my clothes up off of the ground and put them on.

The second guessing, anxiety, and sadness were quick to set in, and I had to actually lean on the dresser as all of the feelings seemed to hit me at one time. I bit the inside of my cheek in attempt to stifle a whimper and maybe hold back the tears that were fighting for a chance to fall. One managed to slip, and it splattered against the cold mahogany wood of the dresser. I dashed any other stray tears away with the back of my hand and forced myself to suck in a deep breath. Fluffy cats and candy canes, soothing thoughts can easy your pains, I don’t know why the childish song came to mind now of all times. It had been something from a show that Elizabeth’s now deceased little sister, Liberty, had watched when I was over one time. I guess the silly jingle had just stuck around all of this time, and it chose to resurface now. The words didn’t really do anything to help the situation, though.

I dragged my suitcase out of the closet where Louis had put it after I had first unpacked my stuff. As quietly as I could, I unzipped the large bag and started to pile in the clothes from the dresser along with my things that were in the bathroom. Once everything was inside of it, I rolled it over to the door of Louis and I’s room. I stopped in the doorway, and looked back towards the bed where he still was sleeping peacefully. I had to remind myself that this was what was best for Louis.

My grip on the handle of the suitcase tightened, and my nails dug into my palm. I ignored the slight discomfort as I forced myself to tear my gaze away from the wonderful man who had no idea of what he was about to wake up to. In the morning, Louis would find me gone, and there was no doubt that he would be surprised by my sudden and explanation free disappearance. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be devastated by this; if he really loves me than this might just be the hardest thing he’d have to go through. It was almost unbearable for me, but I had to keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

Once, I reached the door to the flat, I pulled on my jacket and slid out of the door with my suit case following after me. With a heavy heart and tear filled eyes, I trudged to the nearest bus stop and waited for one to arrive. When it finally did, I paid the price for the ride, and found a seat that was near the back. No one else was on the double decker except for me and an elderly couple sitting in the front. I focused my gaze on them while holding back my tears, and I silently prayed that Louis would have that sort of happiness with someone who he could grow old with. It just wouldn’t be me.

I had never planned for Louis to take the relationship this far; I had never even expected to fall for him in the first place. I should have known better, and I think that deep down I was aware of what was eventually going to happen. However, I had put aside the consequences and any sense of logic in order to be happy for once in my life. After everything that had happened to me, I had thought that I at least deserved that; I thought that I at least deserved Louis. I must have forgotten that I wouldn’t be the only who would get hurt when everything was said and done. In the end, Louis had to suffer because I was too selfish to push him away like I should have. Now look where it had gotten me.

I should be used to this feeling of dread and guilt by now; this was, after all, the second time that I had ditched someone in order to do what was best for them. Granted, when I had ditched Elizabeth in London it had been for a much more simple reason. In Louis’ case, my reasons were just too serious and heart breaking to ignore.

All I knew for sure was that I had to leave Louis; it was either this or go back and confess everything to him. Tell him about what I had been through before him, and what he would have to endure if he ever asked me to be his wife again. I couldn’t have possibly said yes; It would have brought so much with it, and if Louis’ hopes and dreams for the future were to be fulfilled then it wouldn’t be with me. I just couldn’t give him that perfect life that he had always talked about, no matter how much I wish I could.

I don’t know if that was confusing or not, but basically Carson walked out on Louis. Man, writing this made me a little sad-I’m not going to lie-and I had to stop about halfway through to try and make myself happy again. I will be super excited if someone is able to correctly identify which show the fluffy cats and candy canes thing came from XD. Anyway, I hope that this wasn’t too sad. Love you all and thanks for all of the reads!

-cow_queen