Turned Out

Chapter Thirty Three

Shannon.

I couldn't stop replaying my baby girl all grown up in my head. She was more beautiful than I remembered and it angered me that she couldn't be here to share that beauty with the rest of the world. Sometimes I blamed myself, sometimes her mother, and when I was truly down and out about it, I blamed God. Why had he chosen my baby girl, my pride and joy to give this sickening disease to? Why hadn't he healed her with all the praying our family did? I know it was wrong of me to blame him. Things happen for a reason, I know and it wasn't anyone's fault that my little beauty had to be taken from this world.

I rubbed my thumb across the picture of Elexa and I. It sat squarely in the top middle of her tombstone and was my favorite picture of her. She was sick, but still held the biggest wide mouth smile. Her big brown eyes stared up at me as I held her in her hospital bed. I remember this day as if it were yesterday and not years ago.

"Stop it, daddy!" Elexa yelled to me as I poked her dimple repeatedly. Her little laugh was so cute, I just couldn't help myself. I laid back and thought about how much better my baby was getting. Her fever had dropped and her coughs slowed. The doctor still wouldn't tell us exactly what it was that was making her sick. I wrapped my arms around her, closing my eyes tight so I wouldn't cry, I had to be strong for her. She scooted closer, laying on my chest. I kissed her forehead, "I love you, mama." I looked down at her to see her big eyes staring up at mine and the biggest smile planted on her face. The sound of a camera clicking distracted us both as we looked up at our personal paparazzi. "Mommy take picture!" Elexa exclaimed. Pictures were her favorite thing ever. I laughed, placing her in my lap, "Yeah, she did."

That night it was my turn to stay with her. We had been switching on and off that past week so each of us could get some sleep during the week and prepare our homes for Elexa since she seemed to be getting better. That was all I cared about. My little princess getting up and out of that hospital. Elexa had been sleep when her mother left. I didn't like being squished in the hospital bed with her so when I knew she was in a sound sleep I always snuck off to the couch. I watched Elexa as her little chest heaved up and down and drifted into my sleep.

It was nearly four in the morning when Elexa woke up in a coughing fit. I jumped from my position on the couch coming to her aid. I sat next to her doing what the nurses had taught me for her fits. Something wasn't the same this time. Her face was pale, flushed. She was drenched in sweat though her skin was cold. I pressed the emergency button next to her bed to get some professional assistance. The nurse came in and immediately noticed something wasn't right. She asked me to step aside and began to work on Elexa. I was concerned. She worked in silence and then called more nurses in. They tried making me leave the room and I just about panicked . "Why!? What's wrong with my baby?" I semi-yelled. They escorted me out of the room while trying to calm me down. That's when I heard it, the high pitched numbing long beep. "Please calm down, Mr. Berry." One nurse started. "We're doing everything we can to help her right now." I couldn't contain my pain, my anger. I punched the nearest wall, hurting my fist more than the wall. I couldn't feel the pain or the blood dripping down my hand, the pain in my heart was overwhelming it all.

I wiped the fresh tears from face, snapping out of my memory.

I knew that something had to be done and quick. I had already lost my very first love, my daughter. I wasn't prepared to lose the second, Ashleigh. everything was coming to me all at once and I just felt that this was a warning from God. I needed to get myself together. I needed to do right by the people in my life. I needed to reconnect myself with the Lord and right my wrongs.

I stood from the ground and placed my hand on top of Elexa's tombstone one more time. I had been here long enough to know now that she was the greatest blessing in my life and that is why she was returning in such odd ways. She's my guardian angel. Appearing in such situations, silently saying "Daddy you're better than this".