Lies Left Unsaid

Colin

That detective had no idea what he was talking about, trying to lecture me about "being myself." He didn't have the faintest clue what it was like to be a gay teenage quarterback. Everyday at school I pretended to be someone other than who I was. I fist bumped and talked about girl's tits in the locker room and ironically, slapped boys butts in between plays because somehow this is seen as a heterosexual way to show your approval of a player's performance on the football field. All of the pretending and faking it was exhausting, but it was far better than the prospect of facing my parents and my team and telling them the truth. Kids at school were vicious. I saw what they did to Caitlyn with the rumors they spread, the cruel things they wrote in the bathrooms, the insulting memes they posted on social media, and she was someone they worshipped! I could only imagine how they would tear me apart. They would love nothing more than to de-throne the king of Highland Park High, but I wasn't going to let them. Just a month and a half more and I'd be out of this hellhole. Then I'd go away to college where I could be whoever I wanted to be.

I remember the day Caitlyn approached me about our "little deal." At first she tried the friendly approach, saying that she knew I was gay and that she was willing to keep it a secret and help me out at the same time. But when I tried to deny it, things got nasty rather quickly. She threatened to tell everyone if I didn't do what she said. It was weird to see that side of her. Even though she appeared sweet, she was definitely someone you didn't want to mess with.

I have to admit that when she went missing I was slightly relieved and secretly hoped she wouldn't be found. I know that sounds horrible, but if the one person who knew your biggest secret went MIA, you'd be relieved too. I had to keep up appearances though. Once I found out she was pregnant with someone else's baby, the deal was off. It occurred to me that she might have gone somewhere to get rid of the baby, or maybe her parents shipped her off to live with a relative in another town in order to hide their embarrassment. Caitlyn shared with me that they were pretty strict and that her mom always told her that having a baby when she was young, ruined her life, so I doubt she would want the same future for her daughter. If she wasn't actually missing, then I knew there was a chance she could come back and try to ruin me. I remember my mom telling me once, how when women are pregnant, their hormones and emotions are all over the place and sometimes they can act downright crazy. I wasn't sure what Caitlyn would do if she returned. She was too unpredictable and I couldn't risk it, so I started dating a couple girls right after she disappeared in order to keep up the persona that I was straight. In our community, it was easier to be seen as a player or a callous, possible murderer, than to deal with the fallout of everyone finding out I was gay. The last thing I wanted was to be on the receiving end of the slurs and jokes I'd heard some of the guys make while gearing up for a game. "Let's get those gay ass pansies," one of the guys yelled as we ran onto the field for a Friday night game. No one told him it was inappropriate, not even the coaches. Instead everyone jumped in with a resounding "YEAH!" I knew I needed to keep my secret to myself until I was somewhere where it was safe to be who I am.

Near the end, when Caitlyn told me she was pregnant, she said that I should tell everyone my secret. She said that it could help other kids who were struggling and that a gay quarterback in an affluent community had the potential to make the news and help other teens across the country who are trying to come out. That was the thing about Caitlyn: one minute she seemed to derive pleasure out of holding something over your head, and the next, she'd say something that was really kind and supportive. It was hard to figure her out. I never understood women, but luckily I wouldn't ever have to.