Lies Left Unsaid

Avery

I spent my entire life living in the shadow of my sister. All I ever heard was, "you're Caitlyn Coates' sister?" As if I wasn't my own person. My identity was tied to the fact that I was related to someone, to the pretty popular girl from Highland Park High. And since everyone associated me with her, I found myself trying to be as much like her as possible, which was an impossible task because I was nothing like Caitlyn. To be honest, sometimes I didn't even know who I really was. My personality got lost in my effort to be just like her. 

It wasn't Caitlyn's fault though. I was never mad at her. She was just being herself. I just wished herself could have been a little less perfect. I can't tell you how many times I wished that I could be as pretty as her or as smart as her or as popular as her. A couple different genes and I could have been the sister that had it all. At least that's what I thought up until the last couple years when I realized that, despite Caitlyn's flawless façade, her life was far from perfect.

I began to notice the change her sophomore year of high school. She wasn't the same bubbly fun Caitlyn that I envied. She was angry, not at me, but at the world. She tried to shield me from it and act like everything was fine, but I could feel the difference in her. There was an indefinable energy that just seemed to radiate from her body. I tried to figure out what had happened to change her, but if there was one thing Caitlyn was good at, it was hiding the truth to protect those she loved.

The irony was that, once Caitlyn went missing, I became the center of attention. It was something I had longed for my entire life, only now I didn't want it, at least not this way. I had always sort of resided in the sidelines at home. With all the attention on their precious Caitlyn, my parents often didn't notice what was going on with me. At the time it made me feel unloved, but now with all the attention focused on me, I realized that it had been nice to fly under the radar. Going unnoticed meant I was able to do whatever I wanted. But now, I felt like I was being smothered. My parents wanted to be around me ALL. THE. TIME. They wanted to know my every move, who I was with and where I was going. That isn't exactly what a teen wants when she is finally ready to assert some independence.

The weirdest part though, was the change in our family dynamic. Every sibling plays a role in a family. Whether you're the first, middle or last child, it somehow molds part of your personality. It defines who you are. I was the second child, the youngest child. That was my role, except that it wasn't anymore. Now I was the only child and that was a title that I never wanted. It was a role that I didn't know how to play. Birthdays and holidays would never be the same. Mother's day and father's day would never be the same. Everything would be a constant reminder of the missing member of our family, and the weight of maintaining my parents' fragile happiness would fall on me, the lone surviving child. I was the only thing keeping them going, keeping them together. They would hope that their love for me was big enough to heal their broken hearts, but it wouldn't be. And so I'd go back to my role of being Caitlyn's sister, the sister of that pretty popular girl who was murdered. It seemed fitting, that even in Caitlyn's death, my identity was wrapped around her life.