Lies Left Unsaid

Caroline

It's the woman's fault; that's what everyone always says. Anytime a man cheats, it's always because of something the woman did or didn't do. She was too controlling or nagged too much or wasn't wild enough in the bedroom. We're supposed to be smart but not too smart, independent but subservient, proper in public but kinky in private. It doesn't matter how we act or what we do, because it's either too much or never enough of something. It's a lose-lose situation. 

I wondered what my "too much" or "too little" of would be once word got around town about Terry's many affairs. If I had to guess, it would be that I was too cold, that I drove him away. It was my bitter bitchiness that forced him into the arms of another woman. That's what people would say. But what they wouldn't know is that it was the other way around. His affairs were what turned me cold. It was the only way for me to deal with his behavior and stay married to him. And why, you ask, would I want to stay married to a man who was cheating on me? Because of a promise. Because of a promise he made to me early on in our marriage; the promise of a life together despite life's many obstacles, hardships and disappointments. It was a promise that I couldn't let go of, because letting go of it, meant coming to terms with the one thing I had always wanted, but had never received. It was the only thing Terry's money couldn't buy me: a child.

When we were first married we dreamt of our life together and spoke of it often; all the places we would go, all the things we would see and do. He was just a med student when we were first married. Things were so different then, both our lifestyle and our love. I remember sitting on the linoleum floor of our modest one bedroom apartment, eating cold leftover pizza while I quizzed him on medical terminology. I often joked that if he actually became a doctor, he would have me to thank for it. "Behind every successful man, is a woman" I used to kid around with him as he'd grab me in his arms and nibble on my ear. We had no shame when it came to our PDA. But now, I couldn't tell you the last time Terry had touched me in public, or held my hand, or whispered something sweet in my ear. He reserved those tender moments for his mistresses. 

The irony was that he was always the one who threatened to leave if I ever cheated. "If you cheated, that would be it! Our marriage would be over!" he said to me on our honeymoon as we sat sharing a slice of huckleberry pie in a diner on our way to a bed and breakfast in upstate New York. And I believed him. He made it sound so convincing. But who knows, perhaps in the beginning he actually meant what he said, but that all changed when he became a doctor. Power and money have a way of changing a man, and Terry, despite being brilliant, was no exception to the rule. That may have been the thing that disappointed me the most about him: that he was so extraordinarily ordinary, that he became the stereotypical cheating husband. The amazing Dr. Terry Patrick wound up being so...average. But I have to admit that my disappointment wasn't just in him, it was in myself for believing he was someone that he wasn't, for not seeing him for who he really was, for believing that our marriage was different, for believing that he was different than every other lying cheating man out there, for being the stereotypical wife who forgives her lying cheating husband. But it was hard not to believe what he said.  There was something about Terry: the way he looked at me, the things he said to me. I was his whole world, and then one day, we decided it was time to add another to our world.

After his residency, we started what would become a very long and painful journey towards having a child. In the beginning, it was fun. Our passion knew no bounds, having a quickie at the hospital or in the bathroom at a friend's party. Dinners out together were spent discussing what our imaginary child would be like and look like, wondering which traits the child would inherit and whether it would be a boy or a girl. At first, we both wanted a boy. We thought a boy would be easier, and while Terry would never admit this, his ego was so huge by then that I think he felt the need to have a male in order to carry on his name and his legacy. He seemed to care less about the desire to nurture a child and more about the desire to nurture his ego. He wanted to have a mini me version of himself in order to reflect his own greatness. It was one of the reasons he refused to adopt. According to him, he didn't want to risk having a mediocre child.