The Fight I kept within Me

Chapter 2

I know you want to know how can I be with someone whose incarcerated for so long. Well, my advice to you guys is if your man showed you how much you meant to him before he did his bid and you guys were genuinely in a good space. Then that jail talk, as they say, is not just for the birds he already showed you he was worth the wait. When you know you have a genuinely good man it will show for itself and you will feel it in your heart. He will always be on his P's and Q's showing you with his actions keeping you happy rather it's verbally, physically, or even mentally. And even when he doesn't make me happy he still makes me happy just because he put forth the effort so that we can better our relationship and I'm in love with him for that.

I just feel like I shouldn't leave him at his worst when he was there for me through mine. Losing my brother was the WORST pain that I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy to bare. He was there for me and never left my side since day one. One thing I can say about  DeCarlo he may have had a FEW fuck ups but overall that man is not perfect and no one is. I've grown to finally open my eyes to know that he's perfect for me. A lot of people want perfect not realizing that no one is. You see when a man can admit to his wrongs and be truthful to himself to fix his wrongs and not let it happen again and mean it and show it is a blessing. That's growth from within without me telling him to change just him changing on his own to better himself and bad ways for our family is amazing. I'm Blessed that the lord could send me someone so graceful to this family someone with who I can raise my kids with.

I respect him so much because no matter the situation he always keeps his word and that's something I can respect from a man him keeping his word, that's real especially in this generation. Knowing that my son will have the best role model as a father is great. Despite DeCarlo's background, he is an AMAZING father. I just feel like we're here on this earth to make mistakes and to fulfill our destiny of course. How would we know what's right or what's wrong? Most importantly how could we learn from our mistakes? You make mistakes to learn from them to be a better version of yourself. 

    Having faith in God can bring you a tremendous amount of joy and peacefulness into your life. Lately, I feel like I haven't been myself only because I haven't been praying as I should. That will change considering everything becomes much easier if you just leave it in his hands. You see the lord works and mysterious ways he sometimes gives you answers right then in there or he will make you wait months or even years down the line for that blessing. This is fine because as stated earlier life is much easier once you leave it in his hands. He knows what we need and is also testing us to see if we're dedicated as we say we are. Once the devil sees that you are on track and have been consistently being blessed by the lord he will try to destroy you or send in distractions to get you off track. which is also a test that you must overcome, stay positive and ask for a spiritual eye and a spiritual ear and you will be amazed to witness what he is capable of.  

I struggled throughout my high school years, even dropped out two times due to academic issues and the loss of my brother at the age of 18 he was 19 at the time being that we were a year apart.
    We were like twins in a way, we argued and fought as every other brother and sister do. I said things I didn't mean as well as himself that I wish that I could take back to this day. The overall message my brother spoke to me was to not become a statistic to be better but to also do better, not only for myself but at the time for my daughter as well. When I lost my brother that did something to my family, a hole that could never be filled or completed again. It did something to me because I felt like I was too hard on him. I felt like I said so many mean things to him, I felt like I didn't say enough good to outweigh the bad you know. Even though he knew I loved him and I knew he loved me I just felt like I didn't show him enough. Sitting in that hospital room with him I held his hand and I spoke to him spirit to spirit and in a way even though he couldn't talk back to me verbally I felt like he communicated with me. He gave me the answers I needed to fully move on. Not that I needed to move on because that is something that you could NEVER overcome just with life period accepting that death had really hit home. 

I was stuck and I needed answers. Not that I did at that moment, or a few months after. It took me years to finally look back at that moment to understand the situation and conversation I had with him. The time that I had dropped out of school I locked myself in my room for days crying, moping feeling helpless and overwhelmed that a situation like this had hit home.

The five days my brother was in that hospital bed my significant other Decarlo helped me he was there for me the whole time. He held me when I needed to be held, he spoke encouraging words to me even though no words could make me feel better at that time. Even though he was hurting as well, he was there for me. He and my brother Gregory were very close before he was murdered. Honestly, I'm even more shocked that I can speak about it now instead of shutting down and getting emotional. I am just glad that I could turn a situation like this into a strength to help others. My brother was VERY strong, independent, and dominant in every way and an amazing father to his son Bryson, that is why I looked up to him and it took something like this to happen for me to open my eyes to see it clearly.