The Fight I kept within Me

At a standpoint in your life chapter 4.

Over the past few weeks, I've been feeling drained, hopeless, lost stuck, and just emotional at most. Why? Because you never know what it is like being strong until that's all you have left to be. I've always been the one to show no weakness or to just charge a lot of shit to the game which is life itself. But I feel like I've reached my limit with trying.

I've always wanted to have a relationship with my Mother and when I was younger we did have that relationship. More than what we have as of now might I add. I know the life my mother had being raised as a child herself wasn't so great. Being abused mistreated in and out of foster care and not being loved properly, not having a great relationship with her mother as well. Which has kind of gave her a different start and outlook on life itself.

I don't blame my mom for some of the stuff that she has done due to what she has gone through. She did do her best at raising us, she did do what she could to make sure that we had food on the table and clothes on our back and a roof over our heads,  Which I am beyond grateful for. She raised me and my sister to have respect and morals when it comes to our worth and body. And to not tolerate anything less of us or devalue ourselves to fit in or to concor something.

Working being very independent when it came to our wealth not depending on no one else to do so. My mother did her part as best as she could in And the midst of it all by her not having a relationship with her mom she ended up becoming the parent she most resented which was her mother. Which caused her to say and do some of the stuff her mother once did to her to us, with her not realizing it.

You see you become so caught up with life itself that you don't even realize you are doing some of the things you promised yourself you would never do.
And when I was a child I looked over things like that because it was something I wasn't worried about then I was too young to understand. Over the years as I got older I started seeing things that I was once blind to before which was very heartbreaking.

Being that my mom wasn't loved properly as a child left her with not really knowing how to love us properly. She only knew that she could at least try to love us with all of her capabilities doing the best that she could. And I respect that about her because she only did what she knew how to do.

And over the years I feel like our relationship got worse. I started speaking my mind a lot more wanting her to know how I feel, Wanting her to be here for me. My delivery may have been wrong but my words were the truth and that's what made her upset. As adults, they seem to think that they are always right, not listening to your children can be harmful to the child and the parent. The child shutting down not wanting to speak to you regarding how they feel anymore, Causing you to worry and to not fully know and understand your child.

I feel like after I had my daughter everything just kind of stopped, of course my daughter being her first in-home grandchild all the focus was on her. That's something I knew was going to happen and not that I felt bad about it because I loved every bit of it. I feel like our relationship just shifted more so for the worst then with them viewing me as an adult now. Don't get me wrong me and my mother have GREAT days when we are good were good but when we are down bad we are bad. I am trying to fix what I need to fix to make the relationship work because if she see's me trying she will try to you know.

It's just over the years as time flew by and I got older. I couldn't find myself being comfortable with talking to my mom on that level anymore. Due to backlash and her being judgmental and sometimes making it about herself. Family can be great, having a family is great actually because some people don't even have that. Logically speaking and through experience, family can also be your biggest critics and your biggest downfall in your life.

I've always wanted to have a relationship with my mother I tried different scenarios. Tried suggesting we all go to therapy due to our issues, Tried just sitting down speaking with her myself. Being that my mom hasn't dealt with her Demons from her past spirituality it's starting to take a toll on her life. She hasn't forgiven the people in her past wholesomely so that she can be freed from her inner thoughts and future worries that's affecting her actions.

Adults do not understand what you do now still affects your child/children no matter their age. Having a free spirit And being at ease and just happy with life itself is something every person wants if not need.  Nevertheless Ignoring the inevitable that's certain to Happen with the constant actions your making is disastrous to your soul. I can only hope and pray that my mom gets herself together spiritually so that she can see how beautiful life really is. And to know that We are here waiting, routing for her to make that change so that we can have that relationship like never before, So that we can also be genuinely happy as a family.