Tell me, Lord, why me? Dealing with this pain and misery. The weight of the world on my shoulders is killing me, trying to provide for me and my family. The devil is content and focused on stopping me guess it is like back in the day where we all si...
Have you ever felt so much void in your life to where you feel empty inside? Lost and scared to let people in because your trust is so Fucked up. The only people I ever let in beside my immediate family with that being particularly my sister and DeCarlo them being the ones who TRULY know me and my old best friend. I and she are no longer best friends were cordial just not how we use to be. Something we potentially spoke about fixing but that situation alone caused me to look at people different, woman in particular who wants to build a relationship with me.
I have people who want to be my friend genuinely and I am stuck confused on if their intentions are pure or if they are just here or near me to feed off of my energy or to just be nosy. I feel alone and dysfunctional with my mind and it's driving me insane. I feel pressured, overwhelmed, STUCK with no escape route from my own dysfunctional life and mind.
I'm battling with myself and it's scaring the hell Out of me because I don't want to break or fail myself. I don't want to be the one who let their inner thoughts win and caused them to fail. I am very strong but yet here I am feeling at my lowest trying to find ways to occupy myself so that I don't have to think about it.
(It) being my life the love that I am not feeling in my own home the toxic energy that's consuming and jumping off of everyone in my home in the family. I feel so depressed and stressed the hell out that this quarantine is not making it any better. My head hurts from thinking about it so much trying to come up with new ways to better my situation as a mother and as a woman mentally.
My family plays favorites and it's exactly how it sounds fucked up. I never felt true love from a man until I met DeCarlo the way he loves me is how a family should be loved genuinely and that's just him as a person. Another reason why I can't find myself to walk away from him flaws in all. I love my sister like hell she's my other half and my family see that, I and her have a bond that can't be broken, so they envy that and try to find ways to make us compete with each other.
We see through it all and we overcome it every single time because we know their true intentions. It's just the fact that family shouldn't be that way at all. Ever since I was a little kid my immediate family always chose who to do more for, congratulate more, or as simple as who to give the most support to.
When I graduated from college the only people who were there to support me were my mother, my dad, my sister, and my damn kids. Decarlo was still doing his bid which I was most upset about because I know if he was there he would have shown me the upmost respect and support. No one else came and gave me a gift or even told me congratulations and even if they did it wasn't genuine. People really do not be happy for you they just be shocked that you made it through what you have been through and got so much accomplished in the midst. They supported me at my high school graduation which was an accomplishment don't get me wrong but nothing compared to my college graduation which I wanted them there for. It's definitely love in my family because in the midst of us going through our problems no outsider could ever know. We come together as one when it's needed and when we're good we're GOOD and fuck shit up as a unit(no puns intended). This is just the reality of life behind a family that's been through a lot.
My oldest two brothers and my sister always got the spotlight since I could remember. I and Gregory on the other hand were kind of on the back burner and the reason I say that is because we didn't get as much support as they got or still receive to this day which is fucked up. Maybe not Tyquan now because he started to do what me and Gregory always done spoke our mind rather it was right timing or not that's just something we always did.
This has been something that has triggered down onto our generation and it's sickening because this is something that should have been stopped a long time ago. Family is all we have and the more I grow as a person mentally the deeper it's impacting my visual and feelings of family and how it should be. I now realize that some things I can not control and I would just have to lead by example. Being the first thing, I am going to break this dysfunctional cycle.
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Sorry I've been gone for a while I'm just trying to deal with life while writing about it. lol
Fun fact- Red blood cells carry oxygen around the body.
