The Fight I kept within Me

Broken 5.

Feeling this continuous feeling of emotional drainage with myself, my thoughts, my broken family with the concept of being loved appropriately and with just life itself. I've never felt like how I feel right now at this moment. Becoming numb to the sickening words being said to me but getting taken back once they've realized the trauma they've already inflected not knowing that the damage that they caused has already Ben done.

Being dysfunctional can be deadly to the heart, mind body and soul. Having so much tension built up in your body also with having so many unanswered questions about my brother's death,  And with life period has caused my mother to have this unhealthy way of going about things mentally. She's lost, broken scared to put her guard down because she's afraid she will get defeated by it. Her being afraid to let her own kids in because family members turned their backs on her when she needed them the most.

With her not knowing that change could set her free. change is not always bad talking and opening up to someone can set her free mentally as well. Instead of bottling everything in problems on top of problems,  stress on top of stress that could defeat her mentally and physically as it has already done. My mom, really never gave us an option of coming to her when it came to expressing our feelings we didn't know how to.

That was a door that was halfway open It was more of an oh you're being disrespectful or you need to calm down, that type of thing when we did do so. I'm 22 years old and still to this day am I finding things out about my mother in her past that I could only deem imaginable. She's broken our families are broken which is becoming something toxic now.

I am trying to rebuild and defeat this family curse that was set upon us as my mother say years ago which is bad luck. As it instructs in the Bible there's no in between there's either good or there's either bad. We are instructed by our God to be obedient to his word and you will be granted your blessings.

Now if you disobey his word you have to accept those consequences seeing it as a learning experience, be mindful. Having a tremendous amount of negative energy in one household jumps from one person to another without you even realizing it.  And with all of that confined into one small space nothing good could come of it.

My mother has not of yet noticed her children seeking to have a relationship with her when the signs are all there.  And it's very difficult, it almost seems as though she doesn't try on her end. I've grown to understand that maybe she's just not ready for change. That's something that both ends should want considering that would mean things could change drastically.

When a child does not have or get the appropriate love, attention, and reassurance that they need at home they tend to look for it elsewhere. It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men and women-(Fredrick Douglass).  As a child, I received that majority of the time I did but as I got older it changed. Adults need to understand that no matter how grown their children may become they are always going to need that reassurance love and attention from their parents no matter the case. My parents did what they could do with what they had and I respect that of them considering that they are human and have a life and feelings as well. I just have always wondered what their life goals were and why they settled.

My escape route from reality is through reading and writing I've always wanted a genuine family. A mother who cares and doesn't shut us out a father who's not an alcoholic and doesn't seek negative attention. A father who's there for me, a father who gives me the best advice and guidance. I want to be able to go and speak to my mom about my life And Expect her to if not give me the answer but to give me the best motherly answer possible. At this time she wasn't doing that but I can now say that that is slowly but surely changing. I've always wanted to seek wisdom for just that reason well one of the many reasons alone.

I just want to feel secure in my own home with my family, Somewhere I could be free and express myself freely without being judged And to just feel at home. I dread coming home now and I know that by it being to this point it hurts because this is my family were talking about. I just want this to work this is all I know and you only get one family and Mother. 

When Decarlo was here my boyfriend he was the peacemaker between me and my mom. He has always been gifted with communication, solving problems, reconnecting people during a disagreement or a tough situation. He was just someone I could confide in rather it was genuine love, getting advice, or him just being there for me period. I feel like he is the only constant that I have in my life besides my kids right now.