Tell me, Lord, why me? Dealing with this pain and misery. The weight of the world on my shoulders is killing me, trying to provide for me and my family. The devil is content and focused on stopping me guess it is like back in the day where we all si...
My dad and my brother have this toxic ora around themselves to where they constantly think negatively and if anyone who truly know me knows that I try to be a very positive person inside and out . And I feel like since he and my father have been back in the home and by me constantly hearing and being around them some things I just can't keep quiet about. I know that being the bigger person takes
S- seeing the inevitable.
T-tough staying strong through the difficult times.
R-resistance - not accepting anything less of what you deserve.
E-example- Leading the best positive way you can.
N-neatly- Having structure in your life so that when you get to where you are going that is something you do not lack.
G-gainful- bringing something profitable to the table.
T-thankful- ALWAYS show gratitude to the people that helped you in your journey.
H-happy- happiness brings joy to the soul.
And that means taking in A LOT sometimes more than you deserve. The unnecessary remarks especially when they are not relevant, asked for or said in bad timing. Being the one to handle everything in everyone has its perks. I am very outspoken with my family I act accordingly on who's in my presence in the energy that I feel others give off to me. Some things aren't meant to be said or spoken upon in that is where I struggle WITH MY FAMILY. As crazy as it sounds I have already mastered blocking out irrelevant outsiders that do not benefit me in my life. I just feel like my family is another challenge that I am willing to take on or just accept and love from a distance.
Every family has its problems and that is something that I know, I just feel like I have been taking in a lot over the past few years and it is stressful as hell. The lord will not give me anything that I can not handle so that is another reason why I have kept my faith through it all. I just want to say that I am thankful for everything and I am sorry if I haven't been praying to you as I should lord god and that I hope you can hear my cry and forgive me from this wicked world and the negative people around me including my negative thoughts sometimes.
Trying to stay positive will not always come easy I have my days where I feel like giving up but I can't. My brother has been home for a few months now and it has been hell since. This was my brother's second separate bid in (prison) and I feel like it has taken a toll on him mentally. He thinks that we're against him the majority of the time, he thinks that we're going to hurt him and sadly, he has gotten to this point. He talks to himself not that that is weird because I do it as well sometimes I just can tell that he is slightly different from the small signs you know.
He sits in rooms where it is pitch black sitting and standing in the threshold of the doorway staring at us as we walk by, nose sneered up without saying anything. Doing childlike things like leaving the water on purposely or keeping it running knowing we have a water bill you know. Not cleaning up after himself, it is like he's slowly but surely giving up on himself. I'm assuming based on his actions that he still has that prison mentality and it is causing him to do and think horrible things. He grew accustomed to someone telling him what to do, how to do it, and when, people don't realize how serious these things are until it is in your home. Now that he has his freedom he's stuck, confused, and worried about where to start better yet how to pick back up where he left off without going back to prison. Adapting to the new world and finding himself all over again in today's society.
I love my brother with everything in me and I seriously think that he needs help something that he's currently getting which took something to almost happen for him to agree and actually go through with it. He's taking medication something that I think that he should take on top of therapy but I can only voice my opinion on that part alone. That is something that he has to want for himself first in order to move forward he is a grown man. I know that prison is supposed to break you down mentally as a man and that is one of many reasons why they made the damn place. All though it may be hard why give the system what they want, fight it, pick yourself up and become the best version of yourself possible no matter how long it takes. Yes, it is hard but not trying is harder why? because you are giving up on yourself and years down the line you're going to regret it having those what If thoughts roaming through your head.
I just know that this is not my brother his whole demeanor has changed like he lost hope you know. Maybe he has seen something that traumatized him or someone he trusted turned their back on him in there and that is something we will never know unless he opens up to us if not us then to someone period. He has to get whatever it is that's holding him back off of his chest bottling all of that in is not healthy for the soul. I used to look up to my brother and I know that life happens I just hope and pray that he gets well and find himself again and go far in life.
The closest I've seen my brother act his normal self since he's come home was at his own party on September 20th, 2020 (not his birthday just the day we threw the party on) I enjoyed him so much that day. I just wish that he could be more like that every day you know. The reason I am speaking on this situation is to show you guys how someone so close to you that's going through something can affect everyone in that household. If you love that person try to help them or place them with the right resources who can. If you also have to love that someone from a distance by all means please do so because this can also be a burden for some people.
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We all go through alternating life changes some are just brave enough to speak about it let alone write about it. My brother has always been happy very quiet in the beginning but over the years he found himself. After my brother, Gregory was murdered it hit each in every one of us a different way considering we all had separate relationships with our brother even as a whole. That messed all of us up mentally we all felt that same pain in some way, he felt it more considering he was the oldest brother and he felt as though it was his obligation to protect his little brother and he wasn't there to do so. My brother was a truck driver at the time so he was out of state. My brother Gregory told him not to go on the road and my brother had a family so he had no choice but to go to work.
That day my brother was murdered Terrance told Gregory to stay home and he didn't. My brother never really got the chance to grieve with my brother's death. After he got notice that he passed the boys turned their hurt into anger and started robbing and just doing crazy things to try to shake it. By it being so close to home it wasn't something that could be done so easily so that put them in a tough jam with going back to prison. Being in prison is not a place for grieving you have an image you have to maintain in there so that no one will try you you know. I'm thinking that's something he has always just pushed toward the back of his head until he got home and everything slowly but surely started to come back.
