Tell me, Lord, why me? Dealing with this pain and misery. The weight of the world on my shoulders is killing me, trying to provide for me and my family. The devil is content and focused on stopping me guess it is like back in the day where we all si...
Writing is absolutely my passion. I feel as though this is the only way that I can release the things that constantly run through my head. I keep saying this because this is an outlet for me as it could be for you too. It helps! I am always strong for everyone else, I sometimes grow tired of being strong for other people, who can I lean on to help me through this challenge that I am once again faced with you know. Dealing with battles on top of battles is what we all go through to help make us but by DeCarlo not being her physically to at least pick me up when I am falling (he never lets me hit the ground). This is Something that I am used to or him encouraging me to push forward, he does verbally but we all know it is different in person than it is over the phone. I know praying and asking for guidance is something I should do, which I am doing. I just have to give him his credit and not be selfish, I guess just the thought and reminder of me having to deal with everything on my own with him not being here frustrates me all over again.
That's the most hurtful thing about this situation DeCarlo not being here. He showed me life with him and life without, it made me stronger and so many areas. Considering the fact that I was use to growing with him, the minute he left I had no choice but to put my grown woman panties on and accept that, that help that I was use to getting will stop for a while. It's bad that he's gone considering that he's not here with me or the kids but it's also a positive in this as well because I found myself as a woman and I LOVE IT. Sad to say but if he was here I feel like I wouldn't be where I am at now mentally. Even though I was growing with him still excelling, I've just gone harder since I've been by myself.
The person that I could only dream to be with when I am down like this is him. He always knows what to say and do to make me smile and I MISS THAT A LOT. He makes the worst situations the most manageable and less stressful . I know that you probably got the concept that I am handling this well with him being gone but that was fairly true I have my days SOMETIMES.
I sometimes have these moments where I break down because he plays a HUGE factor and both me and our children's life. Raising two toddlers by yourself can be EXTREMELY stressful and overwhelming and I feel like this is one of those moments where I could use his help as a father and as a spouse. As a mother, you suck everything up and you make ends meet no questions asked as a mother should. Being a mother means you can not show any weakness considering you have your kids looking up to you. You are constantly being strong for them and finding ways to better yall's current situation or just dealing with the things life throws at you daily. While being the best mother that you can be to them as a mother you endure a lot.
I have no one to lean to but God, I walk by faith and even though things may have changed their course in my life at the moment I still have one dream that has not changed or failed me. I will persevere and finish with an exclusive victory. I have not truly been alone I have always had my sister, I and my sister have grown extremely closer over the years since DeCarlo has been gone. We have grown a best friend for life type of bond on top of our sistership and her leaving for college in a couple of months terrifies me.
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It makes me feel this down, alone, envious feeling that she's going to leave me and go to college something I've always wanted to do. A chance to be free, a chance to get away from all of the generational toxic traits to escape you know. I did graduate college but I never got the chance to experience the full effect of the on-campus feeling due to me having my kids at a young age so I had to find other alternatives to get my diploma. Don't mistake this previous sentence negatively because I am EXTREMELY proud of my sister I am happy to admit and say that I have paved the way for such an AMAZING young woman and many others that look up to me.
Selfish of me to say this but I don't want her to go. I just thought that I was alone before with her leaving makes everything much worse and a huge weight on my heart that I can't seem to shake every time I think about it. Not having anyone in your corner can EXTREMELY change your outlook on life and people period. I don't know what it is but I sometimes get angry because I want better SO BAD it gets to me.
During this great depression 3/20/2020 it is a virus amongst us and it is devastating how people are getting killed and or dying being isolated from their families because of it. Being that we are told that being isolated will help prevent the COVID-19 from spreading. I just feel as though this is something that could have been prevented A LONG time ago. Something more than the public eye can see we are a unit and once we start acting as one and praying as we should things will get better.
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2nd Chronicles 7:13-14
Being that we have to stay inside not being in a public place of no more than 10-50 people staying 6 feet apart is beyond STRESSFUL. Being told to stay in your home even though for good measures is still beyond stressful this is our new world.
We are not rich we are surviving the best way that we can and that's just the reality of life. The reason I speak in such a way is that a lot of people have lost their homes, cars, jobs even during this virus. No matter how good someone says their life is we all struggle in certain areas but that does not give the government the right to belittle someone when we're already in a pandemic.
