All The Small Things

75

[Jacob POV]

I'm not doing that when he's little, he's not in the right mindset to consent and his regression is supposed to be innocent. Which Kayden kinda fucked with. Plus, I think he'd regret it a lot after and I don't want to take advantage of him like that.

I talked with Spade in the kitchen while I leaned against the counter and he made early dinner. I heard Luca's pitter-patter as he ran out of the bedroom.
"Papa!" He exclaimed, hurrying out to me and reaching up. I picked him up and he wrapped his legs around me.
"Hi, Bubba," I greeted him, kissing his forehead where his scrape was. It was starting to bruise, but I think that's just cause Luca is really pale.
"Jupiter says you gotta gimme kisses," Luca told me, looking up at me. His eyes are so pretty.
"Did he?" I asked, smiling before pecking his lips. He giggled and stimmed a little before trying to get down. I let him and he peeked over Spade's shoulder at what he was making.
"Is gonna be stir-fry," Spade told him, Luca resting his chin on his shoulder.
"Yummy," He mumbled, stepping back and rocking on his feet before running off to go do something. That 'something' was to get Jupiter and shove him in my face.

He's overwhelming me right now, with his mood being everywhere and then being extra clingy or hyper.
"Papa, I luv you," He giggled, reaching up for me.
"I love you too, but please go do something else," I tried to tell him and saw his face fall a little but he nodded and put his hands back. I feel so bad but I still need a little bit of space for myself. And it's not him, it's just me getting overloaded easily. I thought about how I could see the mood change almost instantly. Great, he finally gets to feeling good and I have to mess it up.
"Spade wanna play...?" He quietly asked, looking at him a little hopeful.
"I would, Lukie, but I gotta make dinner," He politely declined. I heard him say okay and try to act like it didn't but him, but I could hear this meant a lot to him.

[Luca PoV]

Papa didn't wanna play with me and normally it would've hurt, but not as bad as now. I felt like he was rejecting me as a whole person. I felt dirty all over again. I'm ruined now... No wonder he doesn't wanna. It's like how at some churches they compare people who aren't virgins to objects, that's what it felt like.
"You still play with me?" I quietly asked Jupiter. I don't normally talk out loud to him, we can talk in my head but I wanted to make sure he knew what I was asking.
'Mmm, I don't know. Papa doesn't wanna play so I don't think I do either," He told me.
"Oh..." I whispered, trying to keep it to myself. I hate when I cry like a baby. I'm a big kid. I know Papa said it's okay, but I don't think I should. I set Jupiter on the bed, the side where Papa sleeps, and stood up. I just gonna play by myself I guess, kinda like when I was living with my momma. Only this time people are choosing not to do it with me rather than no one being there.

There was a little rubber ducky Spade gave me a couple of days ago on the nightstand. I picked him up and made him walk and quack, but super quiet so I didn't make Papa think he had to be here. I kinda wish I had my phone so I could listen to lullabies and maybe take a nap, but it's hard for me to fall asleep by myself in a quiet, dark room all on my own. I picked up my ducky and gently kissed his beak. It's not to be weird, just so he knows I care about him like how I do to Jupiter. I couldn't help but end up with my mind on Kayden again, specifically when he did that to me. I don't think thinking about it, but it plays in my head over and over. I don't wanna deal with it, especially cause I don't have anything to distract me right now.

The longer I sat, the more details I remembered. At some point, I spaced out and was just re-living it all. I could feel, see, hear, and smell everything. Including when he put it in my butt. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, hoping it would go away. It felt like I was there again. He hit me in the face and I gave up. He pulled it out and grabbed my hair. He called me names and shoved my face against Papa. I eventually just naturally came back, I think because something next to me fell and startled me. So maybe not naturally. I wanna play pretend but I don't wanna play by myself, so I just made my ducky hop. I feel hungry I think.