All The Small Things

86

[Jacob POV]

I'm pretty damn sure Luca had a sub drop after last night. It wasn't the most intense scene ever but it was rougher than normal and it was multiple rounds, so it was a change for him. Like, he started having dry orgasms near the end of it. He woke up when I was getting ready for work and only wanted my attention.
"I need to get ready, you can't be hanging on me," I tried to gently redirect him.
"Dady! I want you," He whined, reaching for me.
"I can hold you all day after work, but now I need to get dressed," I told him. I didn't pick him up, I just buttoned my work pants and put on the shirt that was a part of my uniform. He didn't let me though which really pissed me off.

"I-I need to" I heard him start before I cut him off.
"I know! I know what you need! Fuck, just let me be for two seconds!" I shouted at him. He slowly put his arms back at his sides and was visibly trying not to cry. I didn't really care right then though. I was trying to be gentle at first but after 4 times of him telling me what he needs, I couldn't help but get mad.
"It's always what you need, isn't it? Well, I need you to be quiet but you can't do that either!" I continued. He looked crestfallen so I just ignored him and kept getting ready for work.

[Luca POV]
He yelled at me cause I wasn't being good. I'm not good enough for him I don't think. I make him mad... He made a good point. Everything out of my mouth has been I, so maybe I should fix it. I wanted to try and apologize to him later before he left but he wasn't having it. Even though I tried to be good and give him some space so I didn't make him have too much going on at once.
"Papa I'm sorry, I do better," I promised as he sat at the table. He didn't look up at me, he just watched whatever was on his phone. Maybe he didn't hear me...
"I-I'm sorry," I told him a little louder. He made a face so it wasn't that he didn't hear me, I think he didn't want to listen. I hate the silent treatment, it's the same reason I hate the corner. I feel even more isolated than normal and I always spiral in my thoughts. It's making me think of my momma when she was too high to pay attention to me. Or how she'd leave for a couple of days, leaving me all by myself without any explanation or when she'd be back.

"Wh-when do you gotta go...?" I softly asked, trying to see if he'd answer me at all. He didn't. I got up from where I was and got a little closer to him. I had been sitting across the table and now I was next to. I peeked over at his phone and saw the time was 7:27 meaning he had to leave in 3 minutes.
"Is you gonna say bye-bye?" I tried to converse but still didn't get any sort of acknowledgment I was even there. I silently waited for the 3 minutes to pass so I could see what he was gonna do but I started silently crying somewhere during it. I couldn't help but feel so insignificant and stupid and useless and unwanted.

He got up and didn't say anything and was walking to the door.
"Dady please say bye-bye!" I shouted, wiping off my face and standing from the table. What if he doesn't come back? I can't have him leave me too. I can't, I don't think I'd be able to make it. He opened the door like I didn't say anything so I ran over and hugged him. He can't ignore me now, right?
"Momma don't leave! You can't go!" I yelled, trying my best to keep him here and not noticing I called him 'momma'. He just pushed me off him, not as hard as possible but he wasn't trying to be gentle either and shut the door behind him. I didn't know Spade was even up yet but maybe I woke him up, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the door so I couldn't follow Papa.
"Bubba, let him go to work," He told me. He doesn't understand.
"He won't be back! He hates me, I know!" I told him, tears running down my face.
"I can't be alone," I quietly cried. He picked me up and I stopped resisting. Papa fucking hates me now and it's all cause I'm stupid and needy.

Spade carried me into his bedroom, making me sob hysterically. He's gonna do what Kayden did and I can't stop him. He's stronger and it's his house and Papa isn't here no more. But I don't think he'd care even if he was here. I just went limp as he set me on his bed. I hugged myself and tried to prepare for it.
'It's gonna happen, and you can't stop it.'
'Just go somewhere else, space out really hard,' I meant disassociate but I couldn't figure out the word.

Spade didn't do that though. He let me cry and sat next to me, scratching my head and playing his game. I hadn't stopped sobbing yet, and by now I was hyperventilating to the point I felt like I was gonna vomit and my fingers/toes were starting to tingle.
"Hey hey, you gotta take a breath. You're gonna make yourself sick," Spade informed me, helping me sit up. He made me put my knees to my chest and my head on my knees, coaching me into breathing right.
"Try it, in for 5 out for 5," He encouraged me, roughly rubbing my spine. I couldn't get a breath, in or out, for more than half a second so he moved to something else.
"You can feel me, right?" He asked.
"Mhm," I hummed but it was broken.
"Let me get you something," He quickly told me before pulling away. I tried to breathe right but I only got to try for a couple of seconds before he came rushing back in with an ice cube. He handed it to me and held my hands in his.
"You feel it?" Spade asked. I think this is grounding of some sort, but it's working so I don't mind. I nodded and tried to focus on it.

"It's cold right?" He asked before answering himself, "I mean, I'd hope so since it's ice," I held it tighter and noticed my breathing slowly fade back to my regular pace. The ice was starting to hurt my hands at this point.
"Owie," I whined but didn't try and hand it to Spade. I didn't really mind it, but I couldn't keep the noise of discomfort to myself this time.
"Can I have the ice?" He asked eventually so I dumped what was left in his hands. It had started to melt in mine. I rubbed the water into them and held both up to my face. I was burning up. Spade left and came back, ice no longer in his hands, and sat next to me.
"You want to lay down?" He offered. I nodded and rested on my back, wrapping my arms around my torso like a hug. I still felt lonely and abandoned, I just wasn't having a panic attack anymore. I actually ended up moving into the other room to lie down, just cause it was empty and I felt like being alone since that's how I felt anyways. I stayed in my room the entire day until Jacob came home. I had spaced out and napped a lot, but when I was awake I held myself or Jupiter. Jacob walked in and there was something I felt from my chest to my stomach. I want so badly for him to want me, but it isn't all about me. He's important too. At the same time, I don't want him to apologize. He can't take back how bad he made me feel.

"Hi, Babe," He softly greeted me. I mumbled a small hi and didn't look up at him. I don't want to start crying again even though I probably will anyways.
"Spade told me you had a panic attack..." He commented. It didn't sound mean but more just conversation. I shrugged and tried to get under the covers a little more.
"I didn't mean to trigger you like that, I just needed to calm down," He explained. For a second it made me mad. He said he wasn't gonna yell at me the next time he was overwhelmed but he didn't. At first, it made me angry, but then it made me feel sad. Like I wasn't worth keeping promises for.
"You said you wouldn't..." I whispered, shivers running down my spine.

"I know, I'm sorry," He repeated, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Ya," I mumbled. I need to get out of my bad mood but I don't know how. I just want Dady to give me love.
"Papa," I whispered, reaching up for him. He picked me up and held me close, telling me he loved me so much.
"You're absolutely perfect, Baby, I can't imagine you any other way," He gently told me.
"Dady, I lovies you," I sniffled, rubbing my face.
"Aw, I know you do. I love you too, Bubba," He said, rubbing my back.
"Did you eat while I was working?" Papa asked, already carrying me out to the dining room.
"Mmm, no..." I mumbled. He hummed and set me down, starting to look through the cabinets and fridge.
"What do you want, Baby?" He asked. I peeked into the cabinet he was looking at and skimmed over the labels.