All The Small Things

99

[Luca POV]

That neighbor that knocked on our door has been coming outside while I'm outside. I found out his name's Karmin, which is a strange coincidence since that's the same name as a friend's friend from my senior year of high school. I only say it's a coincidence since I've never another boy named Karmin. I doubt it's him, but how crazy would that be? Regardless, he's mostly been coming out when Jacob's getting onto my for various things. Jacob's been so much easier to make mad lately, and I really don't know why. He said he needed to talk to someone, but when I mentioned it, he got upset at me anyway. When I didn't remember to shut his tail gate, he really got onto me.
"Well, shut the tail gate! Are you that stupid? Jesus Christ, I don't understand how dumb you are sometimes," He complained. I didn't know what to do, so I just nodded a little.

Maybe I am dumb. I don't know anymore. He must be right since he's getting so annoyed with me lately. I just have to be better for him. I don't want him to leave me, so I need to fix it.
"Well, give me a proper response!" He demanded, shutting it himself.
"M sorry, I won't do it again..." I mumbled, shifting on my feet. I was just playing in a puddle with him earlier. Why does his mood change so much? He didn't say anything, just grabbing my arm and lead me back inside. I didn't protest that I wanted to stay out longer, even though I really did. Sitting in the grass and messing with flowers makes me feel a little better. I followed him to the apartment and was quiet the whole way, just like how he wants me to be when he's angry. I have to wait til he's busy with something to stimm anymore since he tells me to stop. Vocal ones, especially.

Dady says it's annoying to see me moving all over the place, too, so I just have to put it off.
"Doug is coming over tonight," He warned me as he opened the front door.
"Mkay, you want me to brush my hair and stuff?" I asked, following him through the living room all the way to the bedroom. He mumbled something similar to a yes, pulling his hand roughly away from mine. I pretended I didn't mind and hurried off to the bathroom. I brushed out all my hair, even the back of it. I split it in half and quickly braided both half, tying them up with a little hair tie. I think it looks cute, so maybe Dady would like it. Maybe he'll give me cuddles and baby me like he used to... I moved to brush my teeth, making sure to scrub everything. I'm just in sweatpants, and the hoodie Dady wore last night. He wanted us to do stuff since I was a big kid, but I really didn't wanna, so he didn't try and get me ready for bed.

About the time Doug was supposed to be here, there was a rough knock at the front door. Dady raced to answer it, quickly smiling and letting him in.
"Hey, it's been a minute. Do you want something to drink, or what?" Dady asked as Doug slid off his shoes. He shook his head at the offer, just sat on our couch. Dady sat next to him, so I waited for a second before deciding to sit down, too. But I left some room between me and Dady in case he doesn't want me up on him. The two talked about something Dady wanted to buy, which ended up with them both sniffing something in the bedroom. I followed Dady when they left the room to see what they were doing, but I didn't know really what was going on.

But after, he was in a really good mood! Doug left only a few minutes after, telling Dady they'll talk soon.
"Dady! I need kisses," I whined, reaching up so maybe he'd hold me. He actually did, which made me so unbelievably happy. He kissed my face and made us dinner. It was something frozen, but I still liked it. It was really good, even if it was frozen. But in the middle of eating dinner, he was reverting back to his previous bad mood.
"Dady, I get juice? Please," I asked, trying to be nice about it.
"I guess," He mumbled, getting down my sippy and taking the juice from the fridge. He watered it down, which I didn't mind, before screwing the lid back on and handing me it. I kinda prefer it watered down since it tastes fine and makes the whole thing last longer.
"Thanks," I said, picking it up as I giggled.

"I love you," I slurred, just to remind him. Sometimes, I get really sad and forget, and I don't want that to happen to him.
"Why are you are you saying that out of nowhere? What are you doing that makes you say that all the time?" He asked, making my giggley mood go away. Does he think I don't or something?
"It's just 'cause I wanna say I love you..." I whispered, setting my sippy on the table.
"You're such a fucking liar," He stated, staring at me. But I'm being honest? What does he want me to do?
"M not!" I corrected him as I stood up. I don't like being called a liar!
"Get the fuck away from me!" He exclaimed, holding me arms length away and storming out of the apartment. I held my hand up to my mouth, subconsciously picking anywhere that wasn't completely smooth.

I didn't know what else to do other than start crying after he walked away. Well, I did know I could do one other thing. I could cut, I know I could. But what would he do? I think he'd be mad at me, but he already is all the time, so could it even get worse? I decided to do it. I found my blade in the back of my phone case, the one that I had started to favorite. It normally went really deep. The twt's on Twitter label them 'beans', but I don't really know how to feel about that. I don't know how to feel about lots of stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't have a personality other than mentally fucked.

I didn't try and lock the front door; I held my blade tight enough that I assumed it would cut into my hand. It didn't, though. As I was doing it, I couldn't help but think that maybe he'd take care of me after. Maybe I'm an attention seeker, but I just want him to act like he likes me again. He doesn't even have to mean it. I turned my forearm where my palm was face up and sliced over, and over, and over. I can't figure out how I'm feeling. I'm hurt and sad and frustrated and angry. But that's too complex for me. I don't want it to be this complicated. I didn't stop until I wasn't sure I had any more space. I didn't pay attention to how deep any of them were. I didn't feel any better...

Why don't I feel any better? It's supposed to work. It has to! Fuck, why didn't it work? The blood was getting thicker as I sat there, but I didn't care enough to clean it up. I stumbled to my feet, holding onto the counter and clumsily putting the blade down.
"Jesus Christ," I groaned, the room shifting. Soon enough, I was spinning, and I felt so off balance. I could feel myself falling but couldn't catch myself. Then my vision was pitch black.