Far Away

45

"I can't believe him! You guys haven't even been broken up for a week!" Lindsay said angrily as she burst into my room. 

I was about to say something sarcastic like: 'Oh, yeah sure come in!' But instead I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Harry!" Lindsay exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air for emphasis. She stopped when she realized I wasn't following. "Wait, have you seen the pictures yet?" 

I felt my heart dip and shook my head. "Do I want to see them?" 

Lindsay sighed. "I don't know. I think you should." 

"What did he do?" I asked carefully. 

Lindsay walked toward my bed and sat down with her legs crossed in front of me. "I'll show you." She said as she grabbed my laptop and placed it on her lap. She clicked around and typed for a bit, then frowned. "Here." She said as she turned the laptop toward me. 

I swallowed and scrolled through the pictures of Harry with a pretty blonde girl sitting on his lap. I tried my best to keep my pokerface. I didn't want Lindsay to see that the pictures affected me and caused a burning feeling in my chest. The majority of the pictures were from the back of Harry and the front of the blonde, so her flirty smile and lip biting was on full view. In one of the pictures the blonde had her fingers trailing Harry's jawline and she looked like she was moving in for a kiss.

I pushed my laptop away. "Oh." 

"I'm sorry, Mace." Lindsay said, rubbing my arm. "Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine." I shrugged, getting up from my bed. I didn't know where I was going but I decided on walking to my mirror to inspect my hair. I avoided Lindsay's gaze as I pulled my hair up and tied it into a ponytail.  "He's single now. He can do what he wants." 

"Yeah, but-" 

"I broke up with him, remember?" I said. I turned to face Lindsay and shrugged. "He's free to do whatever he wants. Or whoever-" 

"Stop trying to act like you're okay with this." Lindsay frowned. "Mace, you broke up with the first guy you've ever been in love with because you believe he's better without you. You still love him, and seeing him with someone else isn't easy. Stop pretending like it is." 

"I can't continue to wallow, Linds. I should be happy about those pictures because he looks like he's doing okay." 

"You think he's doing okay?" Lindsay asked, raising a brow. "There's more pictures of when he's leaving-" 

"I've seen enough pictures." I said, cutting her off. I looked down and began to pick at my fingernails. I didn't want to see anymore pictures of Harry and that blonde. Especially if he was leaving with her. 

"Okay." Lindsay sighed.

I racked my brain to find something else to talk about. I pushed away the empty feeling in my stomach and forced myself to look back up at Lindsay with a smile. "So, I hung out with Trevor last night." 

"Yeah, when you guys ditched me at the party?" Lindsay asked with a mock frown. 

I laughed. "Have you ever thought about going out with him?"

"Trevor?" Lindsay shook her head but smiled. "No." 

"Why not? He's a really sweet guy. I think you guys would look cute together." 

Lindsay's brows peaked up. "You do?" 

I walked to the bed and took a seat before nodding. 

Lindsay shrugged. "I just don't see him going for me." 

"I don't know. He seemed really intent on listening whenever I'd bring you up in conversation..." 

"Really?" Lindsay asked. I could tell she was trying to seem casual, but she didn't hide the redness on her cheeks very well. "He is really cute." 

"He is." I winked. "Just think about it." 

*****

The rest of the night I tried to keep busy catching up on assignments. I did my best to stay away from logging on to tumblr because I knew within minutes I'd come across a picture of Harry and I just wanted to keep my mind away from him for a bit. 

After finishing three different assignments I sat on my bed and looked around my room, trying to find something to do. Instead I just crawled into bed and began clicking around on my phone. I avoided all social media just to be safe, then made a stupid mistake. I clicked to my pictures. 

I started at the beginning of my camera roll and scrolled through pictures of Lindsay and I and cute animal pictures. I deleted some pictures I didn't feel like I needed anymore to make space on my phone. Then I fell into a trap. 

I came across the first picture Harry and I had together. It was one of the first times we Skyped. He was making a face with his tongue out and I was laughing. You'd think after seeing that picture and feeling a stabbing feeling in my chest I would stop, but stupidly I continued. 

The webcam pictures became more and more frequent. Then there was a picture of us outside of Starbucks when I dropped my drink on him. My expression was shocked as I looked up at him, and my drink was poured all over his shoes. The next picture was when Harry was being pulled away and he was smiling and looking back at me as I still had wide eyes and a red tinged face. 

The next few pictures were a bunch of webcam pictures and selfies when we were together. Silly photos with weird faces, and a couple of pictures of Harry kissing my cheek. I stopped on a collage of the two of us. In the first picture we were both smiling. In the second one I was making a weird face while Harry was looking at me with a smile on his lips. In the third picture Harry cupped my cheek as he gingerly pressed a kiss to my lips. In the fourth picture, I had turned away, laughing, while Harry had cupped both of my cheeks and continued peppering kisses all over my face. 

I felt my heart grow heavy, but I couldn't stop. 

The rest of the pictures were more selfies, and then there was one of us rushing out of the diner with my face hidden from the paparazzi. A handful of pictures later there were the pictures of Harry posing with his wax statue. 

I stared at the picture of Harry with his wax statue, focusing on his green eyes and his smile. I closed my eyes and thought about how he would look at me whenever I would tell him a story. Even if it was a stupid, pointless story he would always listen to the best of his abilities. His eyes would take me in and even when we were in a crowded place he would look at me like I was the only girl in the world. And his smile. The way his lips would pull up at the sides in a amused grin whenever I would say or do something stupid. The way he tilted his head back as he laughed, and the dimples that would indent his cheeks. He had this incredible way of being the most attractive guy I've ever seen, but when he would laugh he'd become the cutest, most adorable boy in the entire world. 

I missed him. All of him. His deep voice. His strong arms that would wrap around me, keeping me safe and warm in his hugs. His fingers tracing shapes on my hands. I remembered the night I accidentally told him I love him, the first night he slept at my house. I remembered how he waited until he thought I was asleep to trace, "I love you, too." on the back of my hand. I thought of how my fingers would find their place in his hair when he would kiss me, like, really kiss me. 

I pulled my comforter over my head and closed my eyes. Stop crying. Stop crying. I willed myself to fall asleep, but it was useless. I was restless.