Drifting Thoughts

~being indecisive about stuff~

There's a shift open tonight. 5 to close. I talked with my parents about it and they think I should go ahead and take it. I've been thinking about it for...well, over an hour now. And I've kind of started to fall into a panicked, indecisive state. Wouldn't be the first time...

But. Do I particularly like my job? Not really. I mean, no,  I don't mind it, exactly. And it's a way to make money, which is definitely something I need right now. But. 

I had another experience recently with one of my managers getting upset at me. Basically: I had asked off for the previous Monday, and they had scheduled me for that day despite the fact that it had been approved. 

Did I talk to them about it immediately? Well, okay, no. Because again, I was feeling pretty anxiety and panicky. But I did talk to a manager about it before Monday, and she told me that so long as the time off was approved I was fine. 

Then the general manager messaged me when I didn't show up (for, you know, the day I wasn't supposed to have worked on to begin with). Her: Hey you're late. So I sent a screenshot of my time off request being approved and told her that I'd talked with one of the other managers about it and repeated what she said. 

Basically, what it boils down to is: I was supposed to get someone to cover my shift (that I shouldn't have been scheduled to work). Which no one even told me, but okay. 

What's really annoying is that the trip I was supposed to go on last Monday I didn't get to go on. Because my mom got sick. 

I had the day off, already, though. Or, I was supposed to. So I guess yeah, I could have just shown up and avoided the whole problem. But, again, I was already supposed to have the day off, so I just stayed at home and it was fine (minus the annoyed messages I got from the general manager). 

Anyway so I am still a bit hesitant to back after that and just don't feel emotionally prepared to work today anyway. I woke up this morning thinking that my next shift was Friday. 

Am I just making excuses? Yeah. I definitely am. 

If I go to work I will at least get paid. 

But...aren't there more important things than money??

I'm sure I could go and everything would be fine. But. 

I really think I need a minute to breathe. A figurative minute, not a literal minute. 

And lately it's been really easy for me to feel unfulfilled, lose track of time doing stuff like scrolling through Pinterest or, occasionally, Instagram. 

If I stay home, I can take steps to work on that. 

I don't think I'm going to pick up the shift. 

It is a thing I could do that would not be bad. 

But right now, I'm really just not feeling it. 

I don't know why it's so hard for me to just commit to something like this. It is, though. 

Yeah, it would be relatively easy to just message the chat and say that I'll pick the shift up. It would be easy, but that doesn't mean it's neccessarily best for me right now. 

Would you look at that. Even more excuses. 

Maybe that's okay, though. Maybe?

I don't know. There's a lot of things I don't know. But it's always going to be like that. You know what, it's okay. I don't have all the answers. 

I know who does, though. 

Ohhh crap 

Just got a text from a manager asking if I can close. 

You know what, this has gone on long enough. 

Sure. I'll do it. 

Now I just gotta let my manager know. 

Okay, done.