Why the Straight One? | Book 1 | bxb

Excerpt 1

{This is an excerpt from a notebook that was found later and added to the story before publishing. It is in a different hand than the rest of the diary.}

It was too soon. Much too soon for me to feel the way I did. I can't say when I first started liking him. All I know is that as soon as it dawned on me that I did, I was overwhelmed by guilt. Three years with Joan and yet all it took was four or five months with this man to make me realize my feelings for him. It wasn't fair to her. Wasn't fair to us. But there hasn't been an us for so long now.

I talked to her when we went and visited Elliot. She told me she was with another man, and had been for a few months. I know I was a hypocrite, but I was angry. At least my marriage was forced, she, on the other hand, had gotten with this man only months after she left the palace. But really I couldn't justify myself that much. The marriage may have been forced, but the feelings that came after weren't.

And I didn't find myself half as upset as I should have been. In fact, we talked for a while after that, and it almost felt like the old times. The time before we started dating, and just talked as friends. It felt strange to say, but it was almost as if that was all we were now.

I didn't even try to fight for her. I know it won't work for us to be together, but that doesn't mean we should both be so happy this soon after, does it? She said she was happy. That they were perfect for each other. She smiled when she said that, and I had smiled back. There were no tears on either of our parts. Absence had made our hearts grow...forgetful.

It made me question the nature of my love for Joan. I had loved her. The first night that I realized I could never hold her again had been the worst night of my life. That aching loneliness I felt without her had been very much real. The tears I had shed just thinking about her were real. She was the first person I had ever loved. The first person who had broken down enough of my barriers for me to let her in.

So why did I feel as if a weight had been lifted off of me when she said she had someone else? Why this strange feeling of freedom? Why? Why is my heart betraying me like this?

And then I had found Alex crying in the garden. I'd gone looking for him, but why or what I was planning to say to him, I don't know. I felt guilty for so many things, and instantly assumed somehow I had been the reason for his crying.

And then the incident at the restaurant. I can't believe that was only yesterday. I can't explain what got into me. Of course, I've started to realize that I was beginning to care for him. But I was frightened. More frightened then I'd ever been with Joan. This was a man, and try as hard as I could, I still couldn't bring myself to ever feel completely safe around a man.

But back to the restaurant. It could only have been jealousy. I was jealous that another man found him attractive. But not only that. I was insecure. For a moment I pictured Alex choosing the other man over me. Is that crazy? It doesn't sound crazy to me. I don't think anyone realizes just how much I hate myself. I lost any sort of self respect I had years ago.

Part of me wants to forget what happened after we got home, but then the other part wonders why. Why would I want to forget something as amazing as that? The way his lips felt against mine. The way his body reacted to my touch. The way he looked, with his cheeks flushed and his hair a mess.

But wasn't it too soon?

I can't stop thinking about it all. I just need someone I can say all this to, but I don't really talk about my emotions. I haven't for years. I used to talk to Walter, and even my dad sometimes, and then it was Joan. There's no way I'm talking to Raymond about any of this, and Alex...well, it's not like I'm going to talk to Alex about my guilt over Joan. Anyway, Alex is way too dramatic.

So I'm writing it all down. I guess that might help.

I woke up early today, and just stared at him for a long time. He has the cutest freckles on his nose that I've never noticed before. I wonder what he thinks about then. I know most people who have them don't like their freckles, but there's no way he can't like his. Even he must see how adorable they make him look.

I can't believe I'm writing all this. Can't believe I'm thinking all of this. I can't believe that everything in me wanted to kiss all over his peaceful face, that I barely resisted, and that I rolled over when he did start to stir.

When he woke up, I could feel his eyes on my back for a few minutes. It was as if he was trying to figure out what to think after yesterday. I don't blame him, but I hoped he wouldn't distance himself today. Actually, there is more fear of me doing that then of him.

He asked me not to wait for him and to head down to breakfast by myself. I worried that that was a foreshadowing of things to come or that maybe he would try and avoid me from now on, but the way he smiled at me when he walked in and sat next to me was enough to reassure me that that wasn't the case.

I found Jay really easy to talk to. I don't remember who started the conversation, but somehow we kept it going for quite a few minutes. There was just something very friendly and kind about him, and I found myself wondering if there was any person that he couldn't make friends with. I mean, he managed to talk to me for this long.

Then there is this bet that Alex started. There is no way that Raymond doesn't top. I mean, I've heard so many stories I wished I could forget, and let's just say Raymond was never one to shy away from particulars.

Why did it seem like all of a sudden there were so many homosexual couples? Like, there's me and Alex. Cole and Raymond are supposedly a thing, and even I can see that their is something between Cameron and Jay. I guess I really can't count Elliot and Alan anymore, but who said that Elliot's marriage had to be for very long? I'm sure he could get a divorce if things got bad.

I wonder if Alex ever thinks about our marriage. I know that when we first got married, my dad told me to make it look good for a few years and then it could all be over. That thought keep me going for a while, but now I almost dreaded it. What if after a few years, Alex got tired of all this and asked for a divorce? Gay marriage would be legal, and he would have fulfilled his side of the bargain. Lots of marriages fell apart, it would be easy to make it look like that to the world. But now the idea of divorce scared me. I've gotten used to having Alex around.

I didn't see him for much of the day after breakfast, but when we first got in bed, a few hours ago, we lay facing each other for the first time. Neither of us said anything about laying that way, we just both knew that it was the right time.

We talked for so long, but all that I can think of now is his eyes. I can't even begin to describe them, but this is the first night I've just looked at them. Looked at them, and not felt the need to look away, or the urge to pretend I didn't want to look at them.

We talked about us for probably the first time ever. At least the first talk that I remember being completely open. He didn't want to be played with. Didn't want something like yesterday to happen and then nothing after that. Were we a couple or weren't we? Was kissing going to be normal from now on?

He asked me both of those questions, and i didn't even hesitate to answer in the affirmative. Then he did probably the cutest thing ever. He asked me if I would be his boyfriend. Not husband, we already knew that you could be that and have no feelings involved. But this would be different.

I'm not going to lie, I teared up when he said that. It was so sincere, and so sweet. Even now, a few hours later, I could still feel his hand on my cheek. Still can feel where his fingers had traced in my hair. And still remembered exactly how his lips felt against mine when we kissed.

He fell asleep with his head on my chest, my arm wrapped around him. I still haven't been able to sleep. I ran a hand through his hair, kissed his forehead, his steady breathing warm against my chest. It felt so good to hold him close to me. Finally I fell asleep, with only one thought in my mind. The man I was holding this close to my heart was mine. My boyfriend. My husband. My Alex.