Why the Straight One? | Book 1 | bxb

Entry 45 - Flares

"And Elliot..." His eyes shone in the half light of dawn that filtered through the curtained windows. He was no longer crying, but his eyes looked tired. Utterly exhausted by the emotions his memories had dragged him relentlessly through.

"Well, he's the youngest, and as such was treated a lot differently than the rest of us. He saw our father quite a bit more, was allowed things that we couldn't even imagine, and when he told our parents that he was gay, was accepted almost instantaneously.

I....well, when he got a little older and was his happy, carefree self, I resented him. He was everything I could never be. He was happy, accepted, and had nothing keeping him back from falling in love with a man. I hated him.

So, when Jasper first started suggesting to my father that he was interested in him, I...was almost happy. A sick version of the emotion that disgusts me now. I wanted...fuck...I wanted him to feel like me. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and yet something that I momentarily considered for my brother.

So I didn't stand up for him until too late. By that time, too many wheels were in motions." He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as he collected his thoughts. I squeezed his hand a little tighter, and he reciprocated the movement. While he talked, we had moved to be laying facing each other, my hand in his the only comfort I had been able to offer thus far.

"But you did stand up for him near the end and thats what matters. Don't beat yourself up about this. I don't think it would have changed much even if you had argued with your dad from the very beginning." I placed my hand that wasn't held in his on his cheek, and he leaned into it, closing his eyes.

"But it's not too late, right? Can't we do something for him now?" His eyes snapped open, and not even the darkness of night could hide the determination that shone from them.

"Yes we can! We are going to get him away from the bastard very soon."

"Then that's settled." He nodded, but his eye still held the guilt and pain that I didn't know how to take away.

"You know, for all the protesting and speeches I made throughout the years, I'm shit at getting my emotions across. At least, not when it counts. Will you let me show you a song that says everything I've been wanting to tell you?" His eyebrows rose in surprise, but he nodded softly.

I had get out of the bed to find my headphones, and I felt the reluctance in the way his hand left mine. I wanted nothing more than to hold onto him and never let him go, but i knew that would be too much for him right now. All I wanted was to know I was there.

"Does that mean I have to use your headphones?" He asked when I slid back into bed next to him, his hand slipping into mine as soon as I was settled into place.

"Just one of them." He tried to lighten the mood with his expression, but the burden of so many years of sorrow still shone from his eyes, his face still showing all the signs of the grief he had been through.

After putting the headphone in his ear, he lay back against the pillow, waiting for the music to start. My hand shook as I looked through my music, afraid that perhaps this wasn't the best plan, but really, it was all I could think to do. Something to show him what I felt without weighing him down with my attempts at consolation.

The soft piano of the intro flooded my senses, and I kept my eyes on his face as he closed his, letting the music fill his mind.

"Did you lose what won't return?" His eyebrows drew together, and for a moment I thought that I had taken it too far. But the song was playing and there was no going back now.

"Did you love but never learn?
The fire's out but still it burns
And no one cares, there's no one there

Did you find it hard to breathe?
Did you cry so much that you could barely see?
You're in the darkness all alone
And no one cares, there's no one there