𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝, shawn mendes

5.6

THE FIRST MONDAY OF MAY

shawn mendes
07/05/18
1:34pm
new york city, usa

"Today's the day!" Hailey exclaims down the phone, as if I wasn't already aware from the crippling nerves I felt. It's not just the met gala. It's the place I'll come face to face with Aurora again. "How are you feeling?"

"Scared. But I've got you, haven't I?"

"You have. I'm excited, more than anything. It's gonna be so fun. And the afterparty too!"

"The excitement is there, but I'm still nervous." I chuckle. "Are you starting to get ready?"

"Yep, I have been for the past hour. It's a process, let me tell you." She chuckles, "What about you?"

"My team are on their way to my hotel room, and then I'll start getting ready."

"I've always said, it's like getting ready for a wedding. The atmosphere is crazy."

I chuckle nervously, "Yep. Well, I'll see you in the hallway 6pm?"

"Sounds perfect. See you then." She replies, ending the phone call. I flop down on my bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Fuck my life." I whisper, earning a questioning glance from Brian. "I'm not ready to see her again."

"Hailey?"

"No, dufus. Aurora." I state, "I've basically removed any reminder of her from my life. I've deleted her number from my phone, I've muted her on everything, I don't even let myself think about her. But seeing her in person?"

"You're worried it might bring all those feelings back?"

"Exactly. And if she's with Kal." I pause, picturing it in my head. "Oh god. I hadn't even thought about that."

"But you're walking with Hailey?" Brian points out.

"That's different. She encouraged me to find a girl. But she left me for him." I remind him. "Not the same."

"Well, whatever. You're just gonna have to suck it up and see her."

"Harder than it sounds." I mumble, catching his eye. He does a double take when he looks at me, a shocked look on his face.

"Oh my god. You still love her, don't you?" He asks suddenly, sitting up straight.

"Yes. Feelings like that don't just go away like that." I snap my fingers to demonstrate and he rolls his eyes. "Please don't tell Hailey."

"Shawn, I think she knows you're using her. You can't even properly look her in the eye."

"Because all I see is someone who isn't Aurora." I confess, completely guilty. "Someone who doesn't run her hands through my hair, or bite my lip when we kiss, or sing like an angel when she's doing simple tasks. Someone who doesn't fit perfectly in my arms, or look at me with adoration that was previously reserved for her closet and her cat, or smile like an idiot whenever I tell a joke. When I look at her, all I see is what I lost."

"Shit, Shawn. Sounds like you shouldn't be walking with Hailey." He says. "Seriously, dude. It's not fair, on her or on you."

"I can't just cancel on her now." I snap. "Like you said, I'm just gonna have to suck it up and see her. She's happy with him, and I'm gonna be happy with Hailey."

"Even if you have to force yourself to feel something?" Brian speculates, pursing his lips once he sees my reaction. "Sorry, but it's true."

I'm about to respond, but there's a heavy knock at the door. Brian reaches to open it, and my team of stylists spill in, all rushing to fuss over me. I shower first, wetting my hair to allow my stylists to comb it however they please. They style my hair and everything else, until I'm completely ready.

The whole process takes at least three hours, an obscene amount of time even for me. I laugh to myself sadly, imagining what Aurora is doing right now. Knowing her, she's probably fussing around as well, stressing over a single thread on her dress being out of place. She's completely neurotic, but that's what I love about her.

"You look great." Tiffany, my stylist, declares as she stands behind me in the mirror. "They're gonna love it. And Hailey will too." She adds a wink onto the end of that sentence, making me laugh. I try to look at myself in the mirror, but all I see is Aurora. The time she poured into designing this suit, making it look perfect for me. The alterations she made, all for this day. I should've been walking up those stairs with her tonight, not with Hailey. Telling her how beautiful she looked, not saying that to Hailey.

My team exits again after fussing over me some more, leaving me and Brian alone. "You feeling any better now you're ready?"

"Eh, kinda." I reply, "I've sorta prepared myself, y'know. To see her."

"Yeah." He slaps his hands onto his knees, standing up. "I'm just gonna head to the bathroom."

He leaves the room, leaving me alone. I touch the fabric of my suit, still thinking about the girl who helped design it. My fingers touch a pocket, one Aurora had added in the meeting after that night, feeling a piece of folded up paper. My heart drops as my hand reaches in and pulls it out, seeing a little handwritten note in Aurora's perfect cursive handwriting.

dear shawn,

i hope you're not too nervous about tonight. i know it's your first gala, and i wish i could be with you, giving you advice and telling you to stop being so awkward and fidgety. but i know you'll be fine without me. besides, i'm still gonna be there tonight. look for me, and when you find me give me a smile to let me know you've read this note. even if it is a little bit pointless.

treat her like you treated me, and never change the way you love. that's all i have left to say.

- yours, rory x

ps. don't trip up. i'd die of second hand embarrassment if you did x

I chuckle at the ending, blinking twice at the way she signs the note off. Yours. Except she's not mine, she told me that. She's Kal's girl.

Unless she's not, anymore?

I shake the thought off and tuck the note into my pocket with a smile. I wasn't gonna overthink, I'd done far too much of that in the past few weeks. Tonight was about having fun, and new beginnings with Hailey. But how could I begin something else if I wasn't sure it had ended with Aurora?

Closure. I thought I had it, I thought I could move on. But that note, and its cryptic tone, made me question everything I'd told myself over the past week.

Brian emerges from the toilet and I stand up, knowing it's getting close to the time we're supposed to be meeting Hailey in the hallway. We walk through the door and surely enough she's there, in the dress she told me she was in love with.

She's right, it looks beautiful. She looks beautiful, as I expected. But even with her hair perfectly styled and her makeup applied expertly and her dress designer, it's nothing compared to the way I felt when Aurora walked out of the bedroom on our first night in Italy in no makeup, no shoes, braids and a simple red dress.

Because that was love. And this is lust, and that's all it'll ever be.

a/n;

the gala is finally here!! i'm so excited for these chapters omg