Off Ice.

Chapter Forty-Three.

Avery

When I think about my time in LA, I have an array of different emotions and memories that all flood in at once.

I think about my first week here, when I moved into UCLA. Finn flew in and spent some time here, he helped move me in and get myself situated. We went to Disneyland that weekend, just like he promised we would, and I was on cloud nine. But then he left and although I was still bright eyed and bushy tailed about the long distance, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel deflated once he was gone.

The times we visited one another were good ones, we always had an amazing time but that always led to hard goodbyes. After we broke up, I often thought about our last one. I thought a lot about our last kiss and how he tasted, how he felt. I savored it for so long and I was crushed when I was starting to forget what it felt like.

That's obviously when the negative memories and emotions come in. Living in that tiny ass dorm with a roommate who I wasn't really close too while I was beyond heartbroken was fucking miserable. I barely left my bed, I barely ate, I barely showered. I never understood why or how people could be so torn up over a breakup until then. When you feel in your soul that that person is a piece of you, and then they're gone, it's fucking debilitating. I just wanted to talk to him. I just wanted to call him and ask him about his day, even though he didn't deserve it - even though he's the one who left. It hurts to think about that time of my life.

And then there was Theo. Although my relationship with Theo isn't one that I would ever, ever go back too - I can't lie and say I don't have fond memories with him, especially in the beginning. I wouldn't of dated him for so long if I didn't have a good time.

We did a lot of cute and fun stuff together and he was easy to fall for. I think it's okay to appreciate and take a relationship for what it was before shit went south - I think it's okay to not hate everything about it. But don't get me wrong, I'd never give that man the time of day again. No matter how cute the dates were, no matter how many times he managed to make me laugh - that relationship is absolutely nothing compared to mine with Finn.

Not even just because Theo cheated on me, or because of how he manipulated me. Even at the relationship's best, it fell drastically short in comparison with what I have with Finn.

But now being here doesn't bring me the comfort it once did. It's really upsetting, but I just don't like living here anymore. Being here means I'm away from Finn, it means that I'm most likely being watched every single place I go. I don't have a home anymore.

There's something really strange about that, about the fact that I just don't have a place to call my own. I'm so grateful and lucky that I have Grace and Casey and that they're opening up theirs to me and Cam, but I don't know. Everything in LA is kind of crumbling around me every time I'm here.

But I also feel better today than I did the last couple of days. What Casey said about how I'm not a price to pay to get out of this hit me exactly where I needed it. I was seeing myself as a bargaining tool and it made me realize that not only would I be so fucking upset if that's how any of them saw themselves, but that I wouldn't be doing them any real favors by leaving. I guess I just like to tell myself that I'm replaceable, but yesterday they all got me to realize that I'm not.

Weird concept, but I'm working on trying to believe them.

Now I'm coming to the end of my shift at the library, my book in my hand as I read. I feel safe in here. I told Joyce about everything and she told the building security, who has sent guys down here almost every hour to check in on us. There's even one of them roaming the area every now and then to make sure. I feel like I can breathe in here and I have a feeling I'll be picking up more shifts once I go a bit stir crazy inside the house.