Off Ice.

Chapter Seventeen.

Finn

I think I've had the worst couple of games I've had since being in the majors. We left for two back to back Alberta games, one in Edmonton and one in Calgary, on the 27th. Now it's the 30th and I got back to San Jose early this afternoon.

Jack went straight to the apartment and took my things with him, but I went to our practice rink. I know I should probably rest after back to backs but I seriously underperformed.

To put it bluntly, I sucked.

And because I sucked and was so aggravated at myself, I've been really aggravated at everyone else. It's not taking much for my temper to go off and I took the most amount of penalties I've ever had.

I'm just fucking angry at everything now. I'm angry at how much I've sucked on the ice of course, but I'm obviously wrapped up on Avery.

I'm fucking heartbroken, man.

It's only been four days but it feels like it's been weeks because of how much traveling I've done. Well, that and because of the lack of sleep and how long the days feel when I'm not talking to Avery.

It seems like she's actually gone. I think I really fucked it up this time. I scared her away. I kept telling myself that being friends with her was better than never seeing her again and I fucking ruined that.

I won't take off the bracelet she gave me and the rose scent from her essential oil is fading more and more everyday. I desperately want it to stop, I never want the scent to leave. It's the only thing I've got left.

I hope she's okay. I think what's making this hurt more is knowing that I ruined whatever boost of happiness she had the last couple weeks. I never want her to be sad yet I'm the one doing it to her.

My legs are sore from the circle to circle laps I'm pushing on myself. I was so slow in the last two games and the puck was jumping all over the place. My eyes feel strained as I skate from one side to the other with them trained on the puck I have on the blade of my stick.

When I get to the other side of the ice after finishing God knows what lap number, I lean my back against the boards and let out a heavy breath, closing my eyes as I do so.

My chest is tight as I struggle to breathe, the cold air seeping into my lungs as I pant. I am very, very sweaty.

Usually doing laps or drills clears my mind but it's doing next to nothing right now. I can't imagine anything being able to do that though, the task seems next to impossible.

All I want to do is go to sleep but I know my dreams will be filled with her too. I've only caught a couple hours of sleep within the last few days and each time I close my eyes, shes there. Half of me wishes the dreams were nightmares - images of her leaving or something. But no. They're all so realistic; they're all of her in my arms as we sleep. I wake up thinking she's going to be beside me when in reality the bed is cold. It's been cold since the last time she laid in it.

I miss holding her while we sleep more than anything else. There was such a sense of security in those moments. Even when shit was going down, we were able to escape into a deep sleep together. I would always be in pure bliss when I woke up - no matter what was happening.

I often think back to the night after Hughes took her to that shed - after she cried in my arms while in the shower. She had a nightmare and although it was short, I was afraid she would have another. I stayed up all night so that I could wake her up if she had another and I didn't mind in the slightest. I loved just watching her sleep peacefully with me. She was hurt and although she had a crease between her brows from whatever was plaguing her mind, she held onto me tightly and felt safe enough to sleep throughout the night.